THE BEASMAN cats crushed by florida radio sketch for MONDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2017

TOM BRADY GOT FIVE RINGS BUT COACH CAL ONLY GOT ONE. DADGUMMIT, LE’T’S GIT TOM BRADY TO COME COACH THE CATS BEFORE WE TURN INTO ROBERT MORRIS THE 2ND.

(cry) WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE, YOU BALD HAIRED SLICK RICK BUTTKISSIN CARDINAL FRAUD. Y’ALL CAN ACT ALL BIGTIME RIGHT NOW BUT THE NC2A BOUT TO BRING Y’ALL THE DEATH PENALTY FOR VALENTIME’S DAY. SO QUIT YOUR SMIRKIN ABOUT U UH KAY’S BOWLIN GREEN MASSACRE. ME AND ALL MY WILDCAT BUDDIES IS BOUT TO POP A VEIN OVER THIS BIMBARRASSMENT.

AIN’T NOBODY HAPPY IN WILDCAT COUNTRY, LARRY, SO SHUT YOUR SNAGGLE TOOTH LYIN MOUTH.

I TELL YOU WHAT; U OF SMELL AIN’T GOIN TO NO FINAL FOUR. Y’ALL GONNA GIT PUNKED TONIGHT BY VIRGINNY. SLICK WILL JUST CALL ‘EM KRYPTONITE AND Y’ALL STUPID U OF SMELLERS WILL JUST BUCEPT THE FACT THAT Y’ALL IS LITTLE BROTHER NOBODIES. BUT THAT AIN’T HOW WE ROLL IN WILDCAT COUNTRY! WE DEE-MAND CHAMPERCHIPS AND COACH CAL AIN’T GITTIN ‘ER DONE. YEAH! I DONE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH COACH CAL AND HIS SNAKE OIL SALESMAN TRICKERATION. ALL WE DO IS LOSE, LOSE, LOSE SO THAT MEANS WE GONNA FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! HIM LIKE BILLY CLYDE IF HE DON’T GIT IT GOIN.

I SEEN HIS EXPN 30 FOR 30 SHOW WHERE COACH CAL LOOKS AT THE CAMERY AND SAYS “You’re gonna hate me because we come to your town and beat your team.” DADGUMMIT! WHAT KIND OF FAKE NEWS IS THAT, COACH CAL? OUR KENTUCKY WILDCATS CAINT WHOOP THEIR WAY OUTTA WET PAPER SACK. THEM FLORIDA BOYS WAS RUNNIN LIKE THEY STOLE SOMETHIN AND WE JUST STOOD THERE AND WATCHED EM GO BY.

AND MALIK MONK SHOOTIN AIRBAWS OUT THERE LIKE A FIVE-YEAR-OLD ON A PLAYGROUND, THEN HE SETS ON THE BENCH AND IS LAUGHIN LIKE HE’S AT A COMEDY SHOW. GIT SERIOUS, MONK! WE IS THE CATS, DADGUMMIT! WE POSED TO BE RESPECTERCATED BUT NOW OTHER SCHOOLS MOCK US. AND COACH CAL JUST SETS ON THE BENCH TAWKIN ON THE PHONE TO HIS NEXT PODCRAST GUEST. “HEY DRAKE, YOU WANNA REE-CORD MY PRODCAST RIGHT NOW? YEAH, I AIN’T DOIN NOTHIN BUT SETTIN HERE WATCHIN MY TEAM LEAK OIL.” LARRY, HAS WE DONE LOST OUR MINDS?

THE ONLY GUY COACH CAL SHOULD BE INNERVIEWIN FOR HIS PRODCAST IS THE GHOST OF ADOLPH RUPP, AND ASTIN HIM HOW TO COACH! WHY IS U UH KAY PAYIN ANOTHER SLICK-HAIRED I-TALIAN MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO PRODCAST, AND GIT ON INNERVIEWS, AND GO BOOK TOURIN’ WHEN HE OUGHTA BE A-COACHING? AT CHRISTMAS, OUR BOYS POSED TO GO TO CAMP CAL TO GIT BETTER. ALL THEY LEARNT THIS YEAR WAS HOW TO GIVE UP. LET’S CALL IT “CAMP DO IT NO MORE.”

BIG BLUE NATION GOT THE #1 REE-CRUITIN CLASS EVER YEAR AND SOMEHOW COACH FOLD-UP-YOUR-TENT TURNS ‘EM INTO A BUNCH OF PLAYGROUND NOBODIES. COACH CAL ALWAYS SAYS AIN’T NO CRYIN ON THE YACHT. THIS AIN’T NO YACHT! IT’S A GARBAGE BARGE ON FIRE THAT’S ABOUT TO SINK TO THE BOTTOM OF THE KENTUCKY RIVER! WAKE UP, CALIMARI! THIS HERE ONE-AND-DONE VOODOO AIN’T WORKIN. DADGUM U OF SMELL GITS A BUNCH OF NOBODIES AND LOOK WHERE THEY IS IN THE PO. GIT US SOME GUYS WHO WANT TO STAY HERE THREE YEARS AND ACTUALLY GO TO CLASS.

AND QUIT ALL THAT STUPID PRODCASTIN AND BOOK SIGNIN…LET’S GIT BACK TO CRUSHIN FOOLS AND MOCKIN U OF SMELL LIKE WE DONE IN THE GOOD OL DAYS! LITTLE CHILDREN ALL ACROSS KENTUCKY IS CRYIN ABOUT THE NO-COUNT CATS…AND NOW LOTS OF ‘EM IS SWITCHIN OVER TO SOCCER, A DADGUM COMMUNIST GAME FOR BEARDED TATTOOED HIPPIES WHO AIN’T TEACHIN THEIR YOUNG-ENS TO LOVE THE CATS! THIS HERE WORLD IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL, DADGUMMIT. COACH CAL GOES TO MASS EVER DAY AND WE KEEP LOSIN SO THAT SHOWS YOU THAT CATHLICKS IS HERETICS WHO AIN’T GOT NO REAL GOD. TRUMP OUGHT TO BUILD A WALL AROUND CATHLICK COACHES SO THEY CAINT INVADE BIG BLUE NATION TO BRING A WALK OF SHAME AFTER EVER GAME!

COME ON, CATS! FIGGER IT OUT! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY &… NAW WAIT…THIRTY FIVE & FIVE! THIRTY FIVE & FIVE!…OR IS IT THIRTY FOUR & SIX? I DONE LOST FAITH AND LOST COUNT!