THE BEASMAN saving souls
LARRY, THIS IS MY LAST PHONE CALL TO YOU EVER. AND I MEAN EVER. I DONE HAD WHAT YOU CALL A SPIRITUAL AWAKENER. YEAH. YESTERDEE IN CHURCH, MY PASTOR WAS UP THERE A-PREACHING FROM THE GOOD BOOK AND HE SAID SOMETHING LIKE: “THE LARD SAID DON’T BE UGLY-ETH TO THE POOR OR THE DUMB ONES, FOR THEY IS ALL GOD’S CHILDREN. FOR HE WHO LOOKETH DOWN HIS NOSE AT THE NITWITS WILL BE BANISHED TO HADES FOR ALL ETERNITY.” AND I THUNK TO MYSELF, I SAID BEASMAN, YOU GOTTA STOP JOSHIN LARRY MINNER JUST CUZ HE’S A U OF SMELL SNAGGLE TOOTH BUTTKISSIN’ APOLOGIST. I DON’T WANNA BURN IN ETERNAL HADES JUST CUZ LARRY MINNER GOADED ME INTO REMINDIN HIM THAT ALL U OF SMELL CARDINAL CRYBABIES AIN’T NOTHIN BUT A BUNCH OF SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, FOOD STAMP CASHIN, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, NECK TATTOO, GRAMMAW STRIPPER POLE, LIQUOR FOR BREAKFAST, G.E.D. FLUNKIN, BIG FOUR BRIDGE RIOTIN, GANG BANG, HEROIN SELLIN, GUN RUNNIN CARDINAL CONVICTS. MY PREACHER SAID IT AIN’T RIGHT TO LAUGH AT U OF SMELL GITTIN THE DEATH PENALTY – HE SAID IT WAS OK TO SMILE ABOUT IT ALL DAY BUT TO NOT LAUGH OUT LOUD ABOUT IT. SO I SAYS, OK DADGUMMIT. I WANNA COME TO HEAVEN SOME DAY, LARD, SO STARTIN RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, I AIN’T GONNA SAY NO MORE ABOUT U OF SMELL BEIN A STRIPPER POLE DEN OF SIN FILLED WITH HOOKERS AND LIARS AND A COACH WHO PLAYS LIKE HE DON’T SEE NOTHIN LIKE STEVIE WONDER. THAT’S IT. I’M DONE TAWKIN ALL THAT STUFF. FROM NOW ON, LARRY, PREACHER SAYS MY JOB IS TO SAVE YOUR SOUL FROM THE SINFULNESS OF YOUR WAYS.

PREACHER SAYS THE LARD WANTS US TO SAVE THE LOWEST OF THE LOW AND SO THAT’S GOTTA BE YOU. LOOK AT YOUR PATHETIC LIFE. YOU AIN’T NOTHIN BUT A MATT JONES WANNABE CEPT YOU WENT TRAITOR TURNCOAT WHILE MATT JONES TOOK YOU SLOT AS THE GREATEST WILDCAT BROADCASTIGAOR OF ALL TIME! SO YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS A JOKE NOW BUT PREACHER SAYS I GOT TO SAVE YOU. SO I AIN’T GONNA TAWK NO MORE SMACK…TO YOUR FACE, ANYHOW. AND IF I WANNA SAVE MY SOUL THEN I GOT TO DRAG A LOSER LIKE YOU BACK TO THE LIGHT OF SALVATION. LARRY, I WANT YOU TO COME GIT BAPTIZED IN THE RIVER THIS HERE SUNDEE MARNIN. MY PREACHER GONNA AST THE LARD TO DROWN THE DEVIL IN YOUR SOUL AND THEN HE GONNA DIP YOU UNDERWATER TIL YOU START GURGLIN LIKE THEY IS WATERBOARDIN YOU DOWN THERE TO THE GUANTANAMO BAY. AND AFTER YOU IS KICKING AND WIGGLIN FOR ABOUT 20 SECONDS, THEN THE PREACHER GONNA PULL YOU UP AND AST IF YOU RENOUNCE SATAN AND ALL HIS EVIL WAYS. AND LARRY, I KNOW YOU IS KINDA SLOW SO LET ME HELP YOU – THE CORRECT RESPONSE IS YES! AND THEN THE PREACHER GONNA DIP YOU BACK DOWN IN THE RIVER AND LET YOU WIGGLE SOME MORE AND THEN HE GONNA PULL YOU UP AND AST YOU IF YOU WANNA GO TO HEAVEN. AND I KNOW YOU KNOW TO SAY YES SO SAY IT QUICK LIKE: YES! AND THEN HE DUNKS YOU FOR A THIRD TIME AND PULLS YOU UP TO AST IF YOU IS EVER GONNA TRY TO COVER UP THE SINS OF SLICK RICK OR ANY OF THEM OTHER CARDINAL CRIMINALS AND THIS TIME YOU GOTTA SAY NO. IF YOU SAY YES THEN THEY ALL GONNA HOLD YOU DOWN UNTIL YOU STOP WIGGLIN ALL TOGETHER AND YOU DON’T WANT THAT. JUST RENOUNCE SATAN, SLICK RICK, U OF SMELL, AND ALL THINGS LOSERVILLE AND THEN YOUR SOUL WILL BE SAVED. AND YOU CAINT NEVER MAKE THAT STUPID L SIGN WITH YOUR HAND AGAIN OR THE PREACHER GOT TO TAKE YOU BACK DOWN TO THE RIVER AND DUNK YOU BUT THISE TIME WITH DUCT TAPE OVER YOUR MOUTH SO YOU CAINT LIE ABOUT RENOUNCING SATAN WHEN YOU DON’T REALLY MEAN IT. I’LL SEE YOU SUNDEE MARNIN AT THE RIVER, LARRY. AND IF YOU DON’T SHOW, ME AND A BUNCH OF GOOD CHRISTIAN CAT FANS GONNA DRAG YOU COUCH OUT ONTO THE SIDEWALK AND BURN IT JUST TO GIVE A IDEAL WHAT HADES IS GONNA FEEL LIKE ON YOUR HIND END FOR ETERNITY. DON’T DOUBLE CROSS GOD, LARRY. HE’S PLAYIN FOR KEEPS!