radio sketch, Monday, November 6, 2017

SHUT YER SNAGGLE TOOTH MOUTH, LARRY MINNER. DON’T MATTER IF U UH KAY BLOWED THAT FOOTBAW GAME WITH 5 SECONDS LEFT. DON’T MATTER IF OUR PUNTER GOT ARRESTED FOR D.U.I. DON’T MATTER IF COACH CAL DON’T WIN IT ALL EVER MARCH MADNESS. ALL US GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS IS STILL ENJOYIN U OF SMELL HELL.

AS LONG AS THE NC2A IS COMIN WITH THE CARDINAL DEATH PENALTY, AIN’T NOTHIN BUT LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IN THE AIR FOR KENTUCKY WILDCAT FANS! (laffs) EVER DAY IS ANOTHER U OF SMELL TRAGEDY. Y’ALL TRYIN TO ACT LIKE IT’S ALL GOOD NOW AND Y’ALL JUST GONNA ZIPPITY DO DAH ALONG LIKE YOU AIN’T GOT NO TROUBLES BUT YOU AIN’T FOOLIN ME. YOU MAKE ME SICK, LARRY MINNER. WHEN IS YOU GONNA REE-TAR AND LET MATT JONES HAVE THE AFTERNOON SHOW ON WH&S?

I HEARED YOU TAWKIN TO TOMMY TURTLENECK LAST WEEK. “OH TOMMY. YOU IS THE WALT DISNEY OF LOSERVILLE.” NEWSFLASH! WALT DISNEY IS DEAD AND TOMMY AIN’T COMIN BACK TO U OF SMELL, LARRY MINNER. FACE IT, YOU AIN’T GOT NO FRIENDS IN CHEATERVILLE NOW THAT YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK AND TOMMY TURTLENECK DONE GOT RUN OFF AND SO NOW THEY’S UP ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. QUIT YOUR JOB SO WE CAN HEAR MATT JONES.

YOU CAN BE THE POOL BOY FOR SLICK AND TOMMY WHILE THEY SET AROUND COUNTIN HOW MUCH MONEY THEY STOLE FROM U OF SMELL. YOU’RE SUCH A SUCKER, LARRY. HERE YOU GOT TOMMY TURTLENECK ON THE RADIO WITH YOU AND HE SAID LOTS OF OTHER SCHOOLS WAS CHECKIN TO SEE IF HE IS INNERESTED. HOW COME YOU DINT AST HIM TO NAME THE SCHOOLS? CUZ YOU AND ME BOTH KNOW HE’S A-LYIN. AIN’T NO HONORABLE SCHOOL WANTS TOMMY TURTLENECK, SLICK RICK, OR BOBBY PETRINKO.

HOW LONG TIL THE NEW SHERIFF OF CARDINAL COUNTRY RUNS OFF YOUR CHEATIN FOOTBAW COACH? YOU KNOW IT’S COMIN, LARRY. PAPA JOHN RUNS U OF SMELL AND HE IS GREAT FRIENDS WITH COACH CAL SO I BETCHA COACH CAL WAS BEHIND GITTIN RID OF SLICK RICK JUST FOR LAUGHS. I LOVE IT!

COACH CAL IS STILL THE KING OF COLLEGE BASKETBAW WHILE SLICK RICK JUST GOTTA SET HOME AND FILL OUT UNEMPLOYMENT FORMS. WHAT KIND OF JOB CAN HE GIT…AS THE HOST OF THAT TV SHOW CALLED CHEATERS? THAT’S THE ONLY PLACE THAT’LL HAVE HIM!

AND DON’T THINK Y’ALL GONNA GIT BRIAN BOWEN TO COME PLAY NOW THAT THE FBI SAYS THEY AIN’T INVESTERGATIN HIM. THE NC2A AIN’T GONNA LET Y’ALL HAVE HIM. HIS DADDY DONE PIMPED HIM OUT FOR A HUNDERD THOUSAND! DADGUMMIT, ALL WE DID IN MY DAY WAS HUNDERD DOLLAR HANDSHAKES BUT U OF SMELL GOES A HUNDERD THOUSAND DEEP FOR B-LEVEL PLAYERS. Y’ALL AIN’T VERY GOOD WITH MONEY, LARRY! BUT YOU SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, GHETTO SPRAYPAINT, STREET MURDERIN, NECK TATTOO, FOULMOUTH, STINKBREATH, GENDER BENDER, OBAMA LOVIN, DOPE SMOKIN, TARC BUS ROBBIN, GRAMPA PUNCHIN U OF SMELL THUGS CAN KEEP PRETENDING LIKE YOUR DUMPSTER FIRE IS ALL OVER NOW.

LARRY, IT’S JUST STARTIN. THE NC2A IS COMIN TO GIVE Y’ALL THE DEATH PENALTY! DEATH PENALTY! TAKE DOWN THAT FAKE NEWS BANNER! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! THE FBI AIN’T FINISHED INVESTERGATIN SLICK RICK OR JORDAN FAIRY OR THAT KENNY WHAT’S-HIS-NAME. THEY IS ALL GUILTY AS SIN CUZ THEY KNOWED THIS HERE BRIAN BOWEN WOULDN’T JUST DROP OUT OF THE SKY. NONE OF ‘EM AST QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW COME HE SUDDENLY WANTED TO BE A CARDINAL BIRD? CUZ THEY WAS CHEATIN. U OF SMELL FOOTBAW CAINT BEAT NOBODY NO MORE. AND THE PRO SOCCER TEAM IS THE BIG STAR IN TOWN NOW SO U OF SMELL IS OLD NEWS.

THANKSGIVIN MEANS STICK A FARK IN THE CARDINAL BIRD CUZ HIS GOOSE IS COOKED. Y’ALL IS LITTLE BROTHER AGAIN, LARRY. SAY HI TO THE SMALL TIME CUZ THAT’S WHERE Y’ALL GONNA SPEND THE NEXT DECADE. N.I.T. N.I.T. N.I.T. SEE YOU IN MARCH MADNESS…BUT ONLY IF U OF SMELL PLAYERS BY A TICKET CUZ THEY AIN’T PLAYIN IN IT!