The Beasman says U of Smell is getting soccer’d into irrelevance

THE BEASMAN soccer town

LARRY, WHEN Y’ALL GONNA HAVE ANOTHER PEPPER RALLY FOR U OF SMELL FOOTBAW? I WANNA BE THERE TO BOO MY SON-IN-LAW MIKE. DADGUMMIT, I WOULD RATHER MY DAUGHTER’S IDIOT HUSBAND TAKE A JOB AS A DRUG DEALER OR A TATTOO ARTIST BEFORE GOING BACK TO U OF SMELL…BUT HE DONE IT!

THE MAN WHO MARRIED MY DAUGHTER IS BACK IN GHETTOVILLE WORKIN FOR THAT COMMUNIST CARDINAL BOBBY PETRINKO. IT TURNS MY STOMACH TO THINK ABOUT MY LITTLE GIRL HAVIN TO CASH FILTHY CARDINAL PAYCHECKS AND BEIN EXPOSED TO ALL THAT CRIME AND CURSIN THAT LOSERVILLE PRIDES ITSELF ON. I HOPE MY DAUGHTER’S HUSBAND DON’T REALLY WANT U OF SMELL TO WIN AND THAT HE IS STILL A WILDCAT FAN CUZ HE USED TO WORK FOR THE BIG BLUE.

Mike Summers coaching at UK (photo: kentucky.com)

BUT I SEEN HIM ON TV WEARIN A UGLY RED SHIRT AND IT MADE ME MADDER THAN A BUNCH OF HORNETS IN A BLENDER. DADGUMMIT, I HOPE HE’S WEARING LUCKY WILDCAT UNDERSHARTS SO CAINT NO U OF SMELLERS KNOW HE’S REALLY BIG BLUE. HE AIN’T ALLOWED TO COME IN MY HOUSE AS LONG AS HE WORKS FOR “THE SMELL.” THAT’S WHAT I LIKE TO CALL U OF SMELL – THE SMELL. AIN’T THAT GOOD, LARRY? Y’ALL KNOW U UH KAY GONNA BEAT Y’ALL AT THE END OF THE SEASON BUT I BETCHA BOBBY PETRINKO IS LEAKIN OIL LONG BEFORE THAT.

THEM BROHM BOYS GONNA SMACK BOBBY AROUND ON THE OPENIN GAME AND THEN CLEMSON IS GONNA COME TO YOUR LITTLE PIZZA OVEN STADIUM AND THROW Y’ALL AROUND LIKE A RAG DOLL. I LOVE IT. I BETCHA BY THE TIME Y’ALL GIT TO LEXINUN YOU GONNA BE 2 AND 9. AND THEN THE CATS CAN KILL YOU OFF LIKE WE DONE LASS YEAR. YOU AIN’T GITTIN NO BO GAME BUT WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO HAVE L.S.U. BEAT YOUR BRAINS IN LIKE LASS YEAR? THE S.E.C. IS WHERE BIGTIME SCHOOLS LIKE ALABAMMER AND KENTUCKY PLAY. JUST STAY IN YOUR LITTLE BROTHER A.C.C. AND ACT LIKE Y’ALL IS BIGTIME.

HEY YOU GOT THE HEISHMAN TROPHY WINNER AND YOU IS BARELY RANKED…AND NOBODY GOT YOUR QB ON THE HEISHMAN TROPHY LIST. WHAT’S THAT TELL YOU? THEY ALL FEEL LIKE THEY GOT SNOOKERED INTO VOTIN FOR HIM LASS YEAR BUT THEY AIN’T GONNA MAKE THAT MISTAKE TWICE. U UH KAY’S QUARTERBACK STEVEN JOHNSTON IS GONNA WIN THE HEISHMAN THIS YEAR…AND WE WILL GIT TO KEEP IT CUZ THE NC2A IS TAKIN Y’ALLS AWAY WHEN THEY COME TO TOWN TO TAKE DOWN THAT BANNER. COME ON, NC2A…TAKE ALL THEIR SWAG! CHEATERS DON’T DESERVE NO TROPHIES! THEY NEED TO GO TO PRISON AND HAVE THEIR STADIUM SOLD TO THAT PROFESSIONAL SOCCER TEAM THAT’S MORE POP-A-LAR THAN U OF SMELL.

THAT LOSERVILLE CITY FC NAMED THEIRSELF THATAWAYS BECAUSE THE F.C. STANDS FOR “FAILED CARDINALS.” THEM SOCCER TEAM OWNERS KNOW THAT U OF SMELL’S DAYS IS NUMBERED AND SO THEY IS SWOOPIN IN TO GIT ALL THESE BEARDED MILLENNERALS TO COME TO THEIR GAMES AND QUIT GOIN TO U OF SMELL GAMES. SOCCER IS A SISSY SPART BUT MILLENNERALS HATE FOOTBAW BECAUSE IT EXPLOITS THE MARGINAL PEOPLES…WHATEVER THAT MEANS. SO U OF SMELL MIGHT AS WELL JUST HANG IT UP. BASKETBAW IS GITTIN THE DEATH PENALTY. FOOTBAW DONE BEEN PASSED UP BY LOSERVILLE CITY F.C. SOCCER.

AND Y’ALLS FOUNDATION KEEPS HIRING THIEVES AND LIARS SO AIN’T NOBODY WANTIN TO DONATE TO NO SCANDAL U. (sing) TURN OUT THE LIGHTS…THE PARTY’S OVER. LARRY, WHAT IS YOU GONNA DO FOR FUN NOW…CHASE PARKED CARS? IT’S OVER FOR YOU AND YOUR BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK. MY SON-IN-LAW CAN GET A MORE HONORABLE JOB AS A HEROIN SALESMAN INSTEAD OF REPPERSENTIN SCUMBAG U OF SMELL SCANDAL COLLEGE.

ALL YOU SMART PEOPLE NEED TO GIT YOU A BLUE SHIRT AND START CHEERIN FOR THE ONLY DECENT SCHOOL IN KENTUCKY…THE WILDCATS! GO BLUE! GO CATS! HEISHMAN TROPHY FOR STEVEN JOHNSON, DADGUMMIT, OR IT’S RIGGED! AWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!