THE BEASMAN sick of everthang
I’M GLAD IT’S THE WEEKEND, LARRY MINNER, CUZ THIS HERE WEEK SUCKED REAL BAD. U OF SMELL KEEPS WINNIN WHILE OUR KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS STILL LOOKIN LIKE THEY’S IN QUICKSAND HALF THE DADGUM TIME. COACH CAL KEEPS SAYIN’ THE U UH KAY BASKETBAW PLAYERS IS YOUNG AND THEY IS GITTIN BETTER BUT I CAN SEE WITH MY OWN EYES THEY AIN’T! DO Y’ALL FISHBREATH, BEER DRINKIN, ROSARY BEAD RUBBIN’ CATHLICKS JUST LIE ALL THE TIME TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL BETTER?

COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – HOW COME HE LIES TO BIG BLUE NATION ALL THE TIME TAWKIN BOUT HOW WE GONNA GIT BETTER? WE DON’T! AND U OF SMELL JUST GITS BY AND STAYS RANKED IN THE TOP TIN! DADGUMMIT THE CATS GIT THE #1 RECRUITIN CLASS EVER YEAR SO HOW COME THEY SUCK COME TOURNEYMINT TIME? IT’S ALL A BIG FARCE TO MAKE US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS KEEP PAYIN HIGH TICKET PRICES FOR A BUNCH OF NOTHIN. AND TODAY THEY SAID ONE OF OUR PLAYERS IS TRANSFERRIN. KHALIL WHITNEY IS RUNNIN AWAY FROM U UH KAY SO COACH CAL AIN’T DOIN SOMETHIN RIGHT.

DADGUMMIT, CATS! I’M FRUSTER-PATED! LARRY, MAYBE I JUST GOT THEM JAM-YOO-ARY BLUES. THEM SHRINKS SAY SOME PEOPLE GIT DEE-SPONDENT RIGHT ABOUT THIS TIME OF YEAR CUZ THE HOLIDAYS IS OVER AND MARCH MADNESS IS STILL FAR AWAY. I MIGHT GIT MY GRANDSON TO GIMME SOME SHOCK THERAPY. HE’S GOT ONE OF THEM TAZER GUNS LIKE THE PO-LEECE GOT. HE USED IT ON ME ONE TIME A FEW YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS CON-STER-PAY-DID. HE SHOT ME RIGHT IN THE BEE-HIND AND I’LL BE DADGUM IF I DIDN’T POOTY ALL OVER MYSELF TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM. SO IF U UH KAY LOSES TO THESE REDNECK TEXAS TECH FREAKS TOMORRY, I’M PROLLY GONNA GIT TAZERED AGAIN TO SEE IF IT SNAPS ME OUT OF MY DOLDRUMS.

I ONCE TRIED TO GIVE MYSELF SHOCK THERAPY BY USING MY CAR BATTERY JUMPER CABLES ON MY NIPPLES BUT THAT KNOCKED ME THROUGH THE BACK OF MY GAY-RAJ, SO NEVER AGAIN ON THAT ONE. LET’S JUST TRUDGE ON THROUGH TOMORRY AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. I HEAR TELL THAT THEM TEXAS TECH PUNKS IS GITTIN FREE BEER DURING THE GAME AGAINST KENTUCKY SO I HOPE THEY STRING UP SOME CHICKEN WIRE AROUND THE VISITORS BENCH TO KEEP REDNECKS FROM THROWIN BEER BOTTLES ON OUR GOOD AND CLASSY CATS!

BEER DRINKIN, LOUDMOUTH, SAGGY PANTS, BACKWARD CAP, NECK TATTOO, G.E.D. FLUNKIN, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, WELFARE QUEEN TEXAS TECH FANS IS GONNA MAKE US FEEL LIKE WE’S PLAYIN LOSERVILLE. AND I GUESS THAT’S GOOD CUZ WE ALWAYS BEAT LOSERVILLE! (laffs) HEY…I’M STARTIN TO FEEL BETTER ALREADY WITHOUT NOBODY STRAPPIN A SEARS DIE HARD BATTERY TO MY GONADS! MAYBE THIS HERE IS THE WEEKEND THAT GITS IT ALL TURNT AROUND FOR US GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCATS! GO BLUE! GO CATS! LET’S GO MESS WITH TEXAS! IF THEY’S DRUNK, THEY CAINT STOP THE GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCATS!

AND LET’S ALL SAY A PRAYER FOR CLEMSON TO BEAT U OF SMELL SO US CAT FANS CAN START A-TAUNTIN THEM SNAGGLE TOOTH, CROSS-EYED, SISTER-KISSIN U OF SMELL TRAILER TRASH CARDINAL FANS! THEY IS HONORIN THEIR 19&75 FINAL FOUR TEAM AT THE U OF SMELL GAME. I BETCHA THEY WON’T MENTION THAT U UH KAY WAS IN THAT FINAL FOUR, TOO, CUZ THEY IS JEALOUS OF THE BIG BLUE!

IF DENNY DUMMY’S STOOPID GUARD DINT THROW A BAD PASS THEN THEY WOULDA BEAT U.C.L.A. AND THEN U UH KAY WOULDA BEAT U OF SMELL FOR THE NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIP, BUT NAW…U OF SMELL SCREWED THE POOCH AGAIN! IDIOT CARDINALS! (laffs) AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! IF YOU DON’T WIN….DON’T COME HOME!