THE BEASMAN coach cal easter egg recruit hunt
HEY LARRY, YOU BALD HAIRED, SNAGGLE TOOTH, CROSS EYED, SLICK RICK BUTTKISSIN HAS BEEN. I HEARED YOU ON THE LECTRIC RADIO YESTERDEE TAWKIN ALL LOVEY-DOVEY TO YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK. I GUESS Y’ALL IS BACK IN LOVE AGAIN. I JUST ABOUT GOT THE DIA-BEET-US FROM ALL THAT SYRUPPY SWEET TAWKIN.

LARRY, WHEN IS YOU GONNA GROW A PAIR AND TELL SLICK RICK TO PACK HIS BAGS AND LEAVE TOWN FOR BEIN A CRIMINAL? THE NC2A DONE SAID HE WAS A NO COUNT CHEATER AND THAT BANNER IS COMING DOWN SO Y’ALL NEED TO GIT OUT OF DEE-NIAL.

IT’S OVER. TAKE THAT FAKE NEWS BANNER DOWN. TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! YOU AND SLICK NEED TO GO AWAY TO BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN AND LET A HONEST GUY LIKE MATT JONES HAVE YOUR RADIO TIME SLOT. U OF SMELL JUST NEEDS TO SHUT DOWN ITS DISHONEST GRAMMAW STRIPPER BASKETBAW PROGRUM THAT BLONGS IN THE HALL OF SHAME.

MEANTIME, COACH CAL IS OUT THERE WINNIN THE WORLD! EVERBODY LOVES COACH CAL…HE WENT ON THE TWITTER MACHINE SHOWIN A PITCHER OF HIM RIDIN ON A CAMEL IN FRONT OF THE PYRAMIDS. AIN’T THAT SOMETHING? COACH CAL IS THE PHAROAH OF COLLEGE COACHES.

ALL THE GREAT PLAYERS WANNA BE ON HIS TEAM. ALL THE MOMS AND DADS KNOW THEIR KID IS GONNA BE SAFE WITH COACH CAL AND NOT HAVE NO GRAMMAW STRIPPERS AROUND. AND OF COURSE WHEN A KID PICKS U UH KAY FOR HIS EIGHT MONTHS OF COLLEGE, HE KNOWS HE’S GOIN TO THE FINAL FOUR AND THEN STRAIGHT TO THE NBA. I LOVE IT!

THAT ROMEO LANGFORD KID AIN’T INNERESTED IN NO U OF SMELL NO MORE CUZ NOW HE GOT A TASTE OF COACH CAL’S GREATNESS OVER THERE IN EGYPT. COACH CAL GOES TO MASS EVER DAY BUT THEY AIN’T GOT NO CATHLICK CHURCHES OVER THERE SO I GUESS HE PROBLEE FLEW THE POPE IN ON U UH KAY’S PRIVATE JET JUST TO PUT ONE OF THEM VOODOO CATHLICK BLESSINGS ON COACH CAL’S HEAD FOR GOOD LUCK. I KNOW IT’S WORKIN CUZ THEM OTHER YOUNG PLAYERS LIKE IMMANUEL QUICKLEY AND CAMERON REDDISH IS OVER THERE MAKIN THE THREE-GOGGLES SIGN WHICH MEANS THEY WANNA BE WILDCATS! I HEAR TELL TODAY THEY WAS MAKIN THE Ls DOWN SIGN SO THEY IS DEFINITELY FUTURE CATS!

OH, IT’S GOTTA BE KILLIN Y’ALL STUPID CARDINAL FANS TO SEE YOUR BASKETBAW PROGRUM TURN INTO A DUMPSTER FIRE WHILE U UH KAY SOARS WITH COACH CAL! YOUR HEISMAN TROPHY GUY FUMBLED THE VICTORY TO STOOPS TROOPS. YOUR BASEBAW TEAM WENT TO THE WORLD SERIES AND GOT BEAT DOWN BY A SUPERIOR S.E.C. TEAM. AND NOW YOU IS WAITIN FOR THE NC2A TO ROLL THAT GIANT GILLER-TEEN INTO TOWN TO GIVE Y’ALL THE DEATH PENALTY AND TAKE AWAY YOUR CHAMPERCHIPS JUST BECAUSE PEDRO SIVA AND SHANE BO-HANNON LOOKED AT SOME GRAMMAW’S SAGGY BOOBS.

LARRY, LARRY, LARRY. YOU HITCHED YOUR WAGON TO A TRAMP CAMP AND NOW YOU AND ALL THE OTHER CROSS EYED, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, GUN-TOTIN, GANG BANG, WELFARE CHECK, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, NECK TATTOO, G.E.D. FLUNKIN, FLATBILL HAT, HAIRY ARMPIT, MAN WEARIN EARRINGS, U OF SMELL CARDINAL LOSER FANS GOT A BIG BAG OF NOTHIN. (laffs) COACH CAL IS LIKE THE BIG KID AT THE EASTER EGG HUNT. ALL THEM RECRUITS IS OUT THERE WAITIN FOR EVERBODY BUT COACH CAL GOES OUT INTO THE FIELD AND GRABS ALL THE GOOD ONES FIRST! AND IF ANOTHER COACH REACHES FOR ONE OF THE GOOD ONES, COACH CAL KNOCKS HIM DOWN AND TAKES THE TOP RECRUIT RIGHT OUTTA HIS HAND (JUST LIKE HE IS DOIN WITH ROMEO LANGFORD RIGHT NOW)!

IT’S OVER, U OF SMELL. Y’ALL SHOULDA GIVE SCOTTY DAVERPORT THE LIFETIME CONTRACT TO STAY THERE AND MAKE LOSERVILLE THE BEST DIVISION 3 TEAM IN THE COUNTRY. BUT NAWWW, Y’ALL WANTED TO BE BIG TIME AND NOW ALL YOU IS IS BIGTIME CRIMINALS! BACK UP THAT GARBAGE TRUCK, CHUCK SMRT. YOU GOTTA THROW 123 GAMES, A FINAL FOUR, AND CHAMPERCHIP IN THERE! AND BRING THAT SOILED TRASH TO LEXINUN. WE’LL MAKE A BIG OL BONFIRE OUT OF IT! GO BIG BLUE! CATS! CATS! CATS!