THE BEASMAN cats on fire as cards fold
(unaired portion of script) THEY DISSED US, LARRY! THEY DINT SHAKE OUR HANDS SO THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS HAD TO CRUSH THEIR SOUTH CARAMALINER SOULS FOR THE FOURTH TIME IN A ROW! WE ARE UK! WE ARE BIG BLUE! KENTUCKY PROUD! STOOPS TROOPS! AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! WE LOVE US SOME KENTUCKY WILDCATS! BENNY SNELL SAID IT BEST: WE BE 3 AND OH! WE BE 3! WE BE 3! WE BE 3! I ARE A COLLEGE STUDENT! I ARE A COLLEGE STUDENT.

GOOOOO BIG BLUE! BUT THE STOOPID TOP 25 PO STILL DON’T GOT NO U UH KAY IN IT. WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS WRONG WITH THEM LUNKHEADS WHO VOTE? IS THEY ALL ON DRUGS? WELL ONCE WE BEAT UP THEM FLORIDER GATORS COME SAIRDEE NIGHT THEN WE WILL SEE WHO BLONGS IN THE TOP 25 AND WHO IS A FRAUD! WHAT A WEEKEND! CATS WIN! CATS WIN! CATS WIN! AND GAME DAY AINT NEVER COMIN BACK TO Y’ALL’S GHETTO TOWN CUZ YOU CAINT GIVE EM A GOOD GAME. CARDINALS GOT BLOWED OUT AND US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS WAS LOVIN EVER MINUTE OF IT! FIRE HONEST BOBBY! FIRE HONEST BOBBY! HIRE JEFF BROHM! HIRE JEFF BROHM! (laffs) I LOVE STIRRIN THE POT, LARRY.

Y’ALL PATHETIC U OF SMELL FANS GOT TO TAKE YOUR LUMPS AND ADMIT THAT U UH KAY IS YOUR MASTER IN FOOTBAW AND BASKETBAW! WE BEAT YOU LAST FALL AND WE BEEN ON A ROAD WINNING STREAK EVER SINCE! Y’ALL SNAGGLE TOOTH CARDINAL FANS LAUGHED AT US WHEN WE SAID BEATIN U OF SMELL IN THE PIZZA OVEN WAS THE TURNAROUND FOR U UH KAY FOOTBAW. WELL LOOK AT BOTH OF US NOW, YOU FRUIT LOOP! THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS AMERICA’S TEAM AND U OF SMELL JUST GOT ANOTHER BEATDOWN ON NATIONAL TELLERBISION.

OL LEE CORSO PUT ON THAT CARDINAL HEAD AND THE CLEMZER DINT TAKE TOO KIND TO IT. LEE CORSO MUST BE SEE-NILE! BETTER GIT HIM A FULLTIME NURSE CUZ HE’S OUTTA HIS MIND. THE ONLY THING Y’ALL DID RIGHT WAS WEAR BLACK CLOTHES BECAUSE IT WAS A CARDINAL FUNERAL! (laffs) AND POOR OL SLICK RICK PUT ON LAY-MAR JACKSON’S TIGHT JERSEY LIKE HE THUNK HE WAS A NEW YARK FASHION MODEL. WHAT A JOKE! THE ONLY PASS SLICK RICK KNOWS HOW TO THROW IS TO SOME STRUMPET TO SNEAK IN THE DARM AND COMMIT SINS WITH HIS PLAYERS.

ADMIT IT, LARRY! IT IS ALL OVER FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK AND HIS SINFUL SIDEKICK BOBBY PETRINKO. Y’ALL JUST NEED TO PIRE WARSH ALL THEM CRIMINAL COACHES OUTTA YOUR GHETTO TOWN AND START OVER. I BETCHA THE STATUE OF JOHNNY UNITAS WOULDA PLAYED BETTER THAN ANYBODY ON YOUR TEAM! MEANTIME U UH KAY IS THE TOAST OF AMERICA. WE GOT US COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY. AND WE GOT US MARK STOOPS, WHO USED TO BE STOOPID BUT NOW THAT HE’S WINNIN WE ALL LOVE HIM. KENTUCKY IS THE GOLD STANDARD AND LOSERVILLE IS THE MOLD STANDARD. Y’ALL IS CRUSTY, MOLDY, TIRED HAS BEENS THAT IS THE LAUGHING STOCK OF AMERICA.

PUT ME ON HODE FOR THE MARK STOOPS CALL-IN SHOW. HE TAWKS TO HIS FANS WHILE BOBBY PETRINKO DON’T TAKE NO CALLS AND GITS AST QUESTIONS THAT HIS STAFF MEMBERS WRITE IN ADVANCE. LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL! U UH KAY GONNA FINALLY WHOOP FLARIDER AND ALL THE CURSES WILL BE AS DEAD AS LOSERVILLE’S 2013 BANNER! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! YOU SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, WHISKEY FOR BREAKFAST, FOULMOUTH, STINKBREATH, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, UNCHRISTIAN, UNHINGED, UNAMERICAN SCUMBAG U OF SMELL THUGS IS FINALLY GITTIN WHAT’S COMIN TO YOU….A BIG, FAT TRIP TO NOBODYLAND.

GAME DAY AINT COMIN BACK. BOWL BIDS AINT COMIN BACK. MARCH MADNESS AINT COMIN BACK. THE ONLY THING COMIN BACK TO LOSERVILLE IS NC2A INVESTERGATORS BRINGIN A BIG TALL LADDER TO CLIMB UP IN THE DEADBEAT YUM YUM ARENER TO CUT DOWN THAT FAKE NEWS BANNER, AND THEN THEY GONNA REPO THAT FRAUD HEISMAN TROPHY! BETTER SET YOUR GPS FOR BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, LARRY.

YOU AND YOUR TIGHT JERSEY WEARIN BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK ABOUT TO GIT RUN OUTTA TOWN WORSE THAN CLEMZER DONE TO YOUR OVERRATED FOOTBAW TEAM. BETTER PUT SOME FRESH LIGHTBULBS IN YOUR SCOREBOARD FOR NEXT SAIRDEE WHEN Y’ALL GIT TROUNCED BY CUPCAKE STATE! AWWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH!