THE BEASMAN uk wins, u of l loses
(quiet voice) LARRY? I DON’T WANNA TAWK TOO LOUD IN CASE YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK IS SLEEPING TO FORGET THE DEPRESSION. (laffs) OH, I DON’T CARE IF I WAKE UP YOU LOVEBIRDS! OPEN UP THE WINDERS AND SHOUT IT OUT: U-UH-KAY-GOIN-ALL-THE-WAY! SAY IT OUT LOUD, LARRY, YOU TRAITOR TURNCOAT, SLICK RICK BUTTKISSIN, TWO-BIT, WENT-TO-U-UH-KAY-BUT-ACTS-LIKE-YOU-LOVE-CARDINAL-BIRD FRAUD!

U UH KAY IS YOUR LARD AND MASTER! IT DON’T MATTER THAT Y’ALL CHEATED TO BEAT US BACK IN DEE-CEMBER IN THE CHICKEN BUCKET FORECLOSURE ARENER. WHAT MATTERS IS WHAT YOU DO IN MARCH! AND WHAT YOU DO IS LOSE AND WHAT KENTUCKY DO IS WIN! ALL WE DO IS WIN! WIN! WIN! (laffs) I AIN’T EVEN GONE TO BED YET FROM DOIN MY HAPPY DANCE ALL NIGHT. ONCE MICH-ER-GUN TOOK CONTROL AND SHUT DOWN THE CARDINAL BIRDS I THUNK TO MYSELF, I SAYS, “EVEN IF THE CATS LOSE TO THEM WICHER-TAWS AT LEAST WE DON’T GOTTA TAKE NO GUFF OFF NO SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, G.E.D. FLUNKIN CARDINAL FANS CUZ THEY ALREADY LOSTED.”

AND THEN U UH KAY COME ON THE T.V. AND I WAS NERVOUS AS A PROSTERTUTE IN CHURCH. I WAS PACIN AROUND AND NERVOUS CUZ THEM SHOCKERS WAS PLAYIN PURDY GOOD WITH THAT BIG BOY SHAQ CAUSIN TROUBLE AND THAT LITTLE BALD GUY HITTIN THEM BOMBS. FOR A MINUTE THERE I THUNK THAT BALD GUY WAS YOU TRYING TO HELP OUT THE ENEMA. BUT THEN I MEMBERED YOU IS A PENCIL-NECK, NO TALENT, CROSS-EYED, SLICK RICK FAN BOY AND SO THAT WICHERTAW BALD GUY PROBLEE GROWED UP NEAR A NUKE-U-LER PIRE PLANT. HOW ELSE CAN A TWENTY YEAR OLD BE BALD? BUT ONCE DE-ARNOLD FOX THROWED DOWN THAT DUNK I KNOWED MY WILDCATS WAS GONNA WIN! AND IT WAS EXTRY SPECIAL CUZ THEM FILTHY ROTTEN U OF SMELL CARDINAL FANS WAS STILL CRYIN IN THEIR SEATS FROM LOSIN AND HAVIN TO WITNESS THE MIGHTY WILDCATS WIN RIGHT THERE IN THE SAME ARENE-ER.

A LOT OF THEM CARDINAL FANS WAS HANGIN AROUND CHEERIN FOR WICHER-TAW HOPIN TO HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF JOY BUT NAWWW. U UH KAY DONE SHOWED Y’ALL WHO IS BOSS OF BASKETBAW IN KENTUCKY AGAIN! THE WILDCATS! GO BIG BLUE! WE IS THE CATS! AND THE HIGH SCHOOL SWEET 16 WAS ALSO GREAT CUZ WE GOT RID OF THE GANGSTER LOSERVILLE SCHOOLS AND EVERBODY IN RUMP ARENER WAS CHEERIN LIKE CRAZY! US GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT FANS LOVE THE “WAR ON LOSERVILLE” WHETHER IT’S BASKETBAW OR CUTTIN OFF YOUR TAX MONEY.

TELL YOU WHAT, ME AND OTHER CLASSY CAT FANS GONNA GO TO THE DONAL TRUMP RALLY TONIGHT AND CHEER FOR HIM TO BUILD A DADGUM WALL AROUND LOSERVILLE TO SEPARATE Y’ALL FROM THE DECENT PEOPLE WHO LIVE OUT IN OUR STATE. GO TRUMP GO! LARRY, YOU STAY AWAY FROM DONALD TRUMP’S BIG RALLY TONIGHT CUZ HE DON’T LIKE NO CRYBABY MEDIA SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU. TRUMP SAYS YOU IS THE ENEMA OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE SO DON’T EVEN COME AROUND CHEAT-EM HALL. YOU AND ASHLEY JUGGS CAN JUST PUT ON YOUR GIANT VAGINA SUITS AND DANCE AROUND AT THE N.I.T. AIN’T NOBODY WANTS NEITHER ONE OF YOU REPPER-SENTIN OUR GREAT STATE WHEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE U-NITED STATES HONORS US WITH A VISIT.

I HOPE THEY RIDE TRUMP AROUND IN A SAFE POPEMOBILE CUZ YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT KIND OF CRAZINESS GONNA HAPPEN NEXT IN LOSERVILLE. WE GONNA GIVE TRUMP A U UH KAY JERSEY AND INVITE HIM TO COME TO MEMPHIS WITH US WHERE WE GONNA BEAT UCLA AND NARTH CARAMALINER AND THEN OFF WE GO TO THE FINAL FOUR! IS YOU AND SLICK RICK GONNA WATCH UP ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN? LARRY, YOU JUST HUG SLICK RICK AND KEEP PUTTIN SHOE POLISH ON HIS BALD SPOT AND BOTOX IN HIS FOREHEAD. MAKE HIM FEEL GOOD, LARRY, CUZ AS LONG AS HE’S AT LOSERVILLE, US KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS ALWAYS GONNA DOMMERATE THE STATE! CATS ALL THE WAY! DOWN GOES LOSERVILLE! DOWN GOES LOSERVILLE! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH!

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THE BEASMAN uk to sweet 16
LARRY MINNER…Y’ALL WAS RIGHT ABOUT THAT WAR ON LOSERVILLE! Y’ALL JUST LOST IT! (laffs) THEM MICHER-GAN PEOPLE DONE STOMPED ON YOUR CARDINAL BEAKS, STOLE YOUR RICHES, BURNED YOUR BIRD’S NEST, AND BURIED Y’ALL IN DUSTY ‘OL HAS-BEEN CEMETERY. IT’S OVER, LARRY. O-V-U-R – OVER FOR YOU AND YOUR CARDINAL FRAUDS. AND NOW Y’ALL GOTTA SET HOME AND WAIT FOR THE OTHER WAR ON LOSERVILLE FROM THE NC2A. DEATH PENALTY! Y’ALL BOUT TO GIT THE DEATH PENALTY AND NOT GO TO THE MARCH MADNESS FOR ABOUT FIVE MORE YEARS!

I THINK YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK HAD HIS MIND ON THE NC2A STRIPPERGATE PENALTY DURING THAT SECOND HALF AND THE MICHER-GAN GUY OUTCOACHED HIM JUST LIKE THE LAST TIME SLICK RICK GOT OUTCOACHED IN INJINAPLISS. MEMBER THAT? IT WAS MICHER-GAN STATE AND SLICK RICK WAS GITTIN EXORTED BY THAT CRAZY BLONDE SKANK. HE DINT HAVE HIS MIND ON THE GAME BACK THEN JUST LIKE HE DINT HAVE HIS MIND ON IT YESTERDAY. MICHER-GAN WAS ON THE ROPES, LOSERVILLE CRUSHED EM RIGHT UP TO HALFTIME. BUT MICHERGAN MADE SOME CHANGES AND SLICK RICK DINT MAKE NO CHANGES TO ANSWER. HE JUST CAINT GAME COACH.

MEANTIME, A FEW HOURS LATER WHEN COACH CAL WAS UNDER PRESSURE AGAINST THEM SHOCKERS, CAL MADE THE RIGHT CHANGES TO HOLD ‘EM OFF. SO WHO KNOWS HOW TO COACH AND WHO CAINT GAME COACH NOW, LARRY? YOU GOT NOTHIN TO SAY NOW. TAKE A SEAT, LOSERVILLE. STICK A FARK IN YOUR POINTY CARDINAL HEADS! MEANTIME, AIN’T NO CRYIN’ ON THE YACHT! COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – HE IS TAKIN HIS UNBEATABLE KENTUCKY WILDCATS RIGHT INTO MEMPHIS TENNERSEE TO SHOW THEM NITWIT MEMPHIS TIGERS THEY NEVER SHOULDA LET HIM LEAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE. HEY MEMPHIS—HERE COMES COACH CAL AND HIS WIFE ELLEN IS DABBIN’ JUST LIKE IT’S 2012 ALL OVER AGAIN!

THIS HERE IS THE WILDCATS TEAM THAT WE WAITED FOR ALL SEASON. FOX AND MONK AND BAM AND WILLIS AND ALL THEM OTHER GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCATS HAS FINALLY GOT THEIR HEARTS POINTED TOWARD THE CHAMPERCHIPS TROPHY, AND ALL YOU LOSERVILLE FRAUDS CAN DO IS WATCH! OR GO TAKE ANOTHER 11 MILLION FREE THROWS TO PRACTICE FOR THE SUMMER Y.M.CA. LEAGUE. I LOVVVVVVVVE IT! MEANTIME, COACH CAL AND THE CATS IS GONNA HAVE A HAPPY BLUE WEEK OF TAWKIN ABOUT OUR NEXT GAME AND HOW THE CATS GONNA GIT REE-VENGE ON THEM CALIFARNIA DOPE-SMOKIN HOLLYWOOD U.C.L.A. HIPPIE FREAKS.

ME AND MY BUDDIES GOIN OVER TO PRESIDENT TRUMP’S RALLY AT CHEAT-EM HALL IN A FEW MINUTES. WE GONNA TELL HIM TO PUT U UH KAY ON HIS SCHEDULE FOR TWO WEEKS FROM NOW CUZ THE CATS IS GOIN TO THE WHITE HOUSE AND HANG A BIG OL K FLAG UP ON THE FLAGPOLE. TRUMP LOVES COACH CAL CUZ THEY IS BOTH BILLIONAIRES AND BOTH OF ‘EM IS SILVED-TONGUED LEADERS. I KNOW TRUMP WISHES COACH CAL HAD TIME TO BE HIS SPOKESMAN CUZ THEN SAIRDEE NIGHT LIVE WOULDN’T HAVE NOTHIN TO JOKE ABOUT.

BUT COACH CAL’S JOB IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN BEIN PRESIDENT CUZ COACH CAL IS IN CHARGE OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE OF COLLEGE BASKETBAW. THE WORLD ENJOYS SEEING COACH CAL WIN CUZ HE MADE BASKETBAW GREAT AGAIN. A.C.C. LOSERS LIKE SLICK RICK, JIM BLOW-HEIM, TOM IZZO, TONY BENNETT, AND THAT WICHER-TAW SHOCKERS COACH WITH HIS CRAZY WIFE, THEY IS ALL ABOUT THEIRSELFS.

COACH CAL’S WIFE STAYS QUIET ON THE SIDELINE. SHE AIN’T HANGIN OVER THE RAIL CUSSIN AT THE REFFERMARIES. COACH CAL AND HIS WIFE ALWAYS BAKE BIRFDAY CAKES, HELP WITH HOMEWORK, AND KNIT SOX FOR THE WILDCAT PLAYERS. THEY’S A FAMILY, NOT NO STRIP JOINT PIMPS AND FOUNDATION MONEY THIEVES. THE CALIPARIS IS LIKE SAINTS NO MATTER WHAT THE FAKE NEWS MEMPHIS MEDIA TRIES TO SAY. AND THAT’S WHY GOD IS PULLIN FOR U UH KAY.

MEANTIME, THE DEVIL GOT ALL KINDS OF IDLE TIME FOR THEM WAYWARD CARDINAL BIRDS. WE’LL SEE YOU AT THE SWEET 16…IF YOU CAN FIND A TICKET! (laffs) DON’T ASK ME FOR ONE! AIN’T NO ROOM ON THE BANDWAGON FOR A BACKSTABBIN TRAITOR TURNCOAT FRAUD LIKE YOU, LARRY. YOU AND SLICK RICK JUST CUDDLE UP ON THE COUCH AND WATCH THE CATS, THINKIN ABOUT WHAT MIGHTA BEEN IF HE HADN’T RUN OFF TO THE PROS TO START HIS STREAK OF EPIC FAILS. TIME TO DO WILDCAT CHEERS AT THE TRUMP RALLY! WE ASKIN TRUMP TO DEPORT ALL CARDINAL FANS. YOU SNAGGLE TOOTH U OF SMELLERS PROBLEE WANNA STAY HOME AND CRY AND MAYBE LOOK AT YOUR STYLE OF BASKETBAW ON TV. WELL…YOU’RE IN LUCK! THE N.I.T. IS ON EXPN ALL NIGHT! GO CATS! GO BLUE! NO CRYIN ON THE YACHT!

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