THE BEASMAN duke trounces cats
(crying) D-D-D-D-DADGUM D-D-D-DOOKIES! (crying) WH-WH-WHAT IN THE S-S-S-SAM HILL IS C-C-C-COACH CAL DOIN? RATFACE MIKE SHIT-SHETSKI WAS GRINNIN LIKE A CHESTER CAT CUZ HE KNOWS HE GOT LUCKY LAST NIGHT. (crying) I WAS BITIN MY PILLER ALL NIGHT WONDERIN HOW ALL THESE GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT UPPERCLASSMEN GOT THEIR JAW JACKED BY A BUNCH OF YOUNG PUNK D-D-D-DOOKIE FRESHMANS. (crying)
WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR VET-TRENS? IS THEY A BUNCH OF CANDY APPLE SISSIES WHO DON’T DEE-SERVE TO WEAR THE KENTUCKY UNI-FARM? DADGUMMIT, THE GHOST OF CHRISTIAN LAETTNER GOT US AGAIN.
HOW DID THEM DUKE PUNKS BEAT, KICK, AND PULVERIZE US LIKE A BUNCH OF STREET THUGS IN A ANGELA LEET TV COMMERCIAL? WE GOT MURDERED, LARRY MINNER! THEY HAD TO PUT PO-LEECE TAPE AROUND THE U UH KAY TEAM BUS CUZ IT LOOKED LIKE A CRIME SCENE. (crying) U UH KAY IS CURSED AGAINST THESE FILTHY, RICH BOY, SMARTY PANTS D-D-D-DOOKIE DOUCHE NOZZLES. IT’S GOD’S FAULT, TOO. COACH CAL PRAYS TO THAT FAKE CATHLICK GOD WHO DON’T DEE-LIVER FOR THE CATS. WE GOTTA GIT COACH CAL BAB-TIZED AS A BABDIZ AND SO THEN THE REAL PROTESTANT GOD WILL HELP U UH KAY, NOT NO FAKE BEER DRINKIN, DANCIN, BINGO PLAYIN CATHLICK GOD.
WAKE UP, COACH CAL, OR WE’LL RUN YOU OFF LIKE WE DONE TO TUBBY. NO MORE CATHLICK PRAYIN FOR A BABDIZ STATE OF KENTUCKY OR ELSE THE REAL GOD GONNA KEEP SMITIN US! (crying) HOW CAN (crying) HOW CAN THE C-C-C-C-CATS LOSE BY 34 POINTS, DADGUMMIT? I WAS LIKE ELVIS AND SHOT OUT THE TV SET (crying) WHICH IS BAD CUZ I WAS WATCHIN AT MY BUDDY’S HOUSE. NOW I GOT TO GO DOWN TO K-MART AND GIT HIM ANOTHER TV SO HIS OLD LADY CAN WATCH “THE VIEW.”
I BETCHA OL WHOOPIE GOLDBERG WAS MAKIN FUN OF THE CATS TODAY CUZ SHE DONE SAID SHE’D LIKE TO MAKE THE TWO BACK BEAST WITH THAT DUKE PLAYER ZEE-ONN WILLIAMSTON. (crying) ZEE-ON WAS POSED TO COME TO KENTUCKY BUT NIKE PAID HIM MORE TO GO TO DUKE! THIS HERE IS HARRIBLE, LARRY.
ONE WEEK AGO, ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS WAS SO HAPPY MAKIN FUN OF LOSERVILLE FOOTBAW AND TAWKIN ABOUT STOOPS TROOPS GONNA TAKE ON BAMA FOR THE S.E.C. CHAMPERCHIP. (crying) NOW STOOPS WORRYIN ABOUT LOSIN TO NOBODY TENNERSEE AND COACH CAL GOT HIS BUTT WHOOPED LIKE A BOY WHO STOLE MONEY FROM HIS MAMA’S PURSE. (crying)
YOU GO AHEAD AND SMIRK, YOU CARDINAL CONVICT, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, NECK TATTOO, CASHIN FOOD STAMPS FOR METH, GODLESS, BRAINLESS, SPINELESS, HOPELESS U OF SMELL CARDINAL DUMPSTER FIRE…US GOOD AND CLASSY CATS IS STILL COMIN FOR YOU IN A FEW WEEKS AND IT AIN’T GONNA BE PURDY! (crying) I F-F-F-FEEL LIKE BURNIN A COUCH WITH COACH CAL STILL SETTIN ON IT! (crying) THIS HERE IS A KENTUCKY TRAGEDY! WE AIN’T PERFECK AFTER ALL. FARDY & OH MINUS ONE! FARDY & OH MINUS ONE! FARDY & OH MINUS ONE! THE ONLY BLUE WAVE TURNT OUT TO BE A DUKE BLUE DEVIL WAVE. STOP TARMINTIN US, GOD! WE IS KENTUCKY!