THE BEASMAN reads the ncaa infractions letter

BOY I AM ONE TIRED WILDCAT, LARRY MINNER. I WAS UP ALL NIGHT TRYING TO READ A HUNDERD EIGHTEEN DADGUM PAGES OF THAT NC2A CONVICTION LETTER TO U OF SMELL AND I JUST FINISHED IT UP. I EXPECIALLY ENJOYED THE LAST PART WHERE THEY TODE SLICK RICK WHEN HE GOTS TO GO UP TO INJINAPLISS TO TESTERFY, HE NEEDS TO LEAVE HIS FANCY GOLD CHAINS AND DIAMOND EARRINGS AT HOME CUZ PRISONERS AIN’T ALLOWED TO HAVE ‘EM WHILE THEY IS LOCKED UP IN THE STOCKADE! BUT THEY TODE HIM TO BRING THAT 2013 CHAMPERCHIPS RING CUZ IT’S NOW FAKE AND THEY GONNA MELT IT DOWN AND TURN IT INTO SPECIAL MEDAL TO GIVE COACH CAL FOR ALL HIS GREAT CHARITY WORK! (laffs) I LOVE IT! YOUR GOOSE IS COOKED, LOSERVILLE! PROSTERTUTES IN THE DARMS AIN’T BUZACKLY WHAT YOU CALL QUALITY LEADERSHIP. LACK OF INSTERTURTION CONTROL! FAILURE TO MONOGRAM YOUR EMPLOYEES! DEATH PENALTY! DEATH PENALTY! U OF SMELL IS THE ONLY BASKETBAW PROGRUM WHERE PEOPLE SING HO, HO, HO THIS FAR AWAY FROM CHRISTMASTIME. YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE FUNNY IS IF SLICK RICK WENT TO INJINAPLISS TO TESTERFY AND HE SET UP A STRIPPER POLE AND SWUNG AROUND WHILE HE GIVE HIS ANSWERS! (pause) OH COME ON, LARRY. LAUGH A LITTLE AT MY FUNNY JOKES! I BEEN WORKIN ON EM FOR TWO YEARS EVER SINCE THE FIRST NAKED GIRL FELL OUT OF THE CEILING AND ONTO THAT NC2A INVESTERGATOR’S LAP! AND SHE JUST LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID, “OH, YOU MUST BE NEXT!” GIMME ONE GIGGLE, LARRY, CUZ THESE HERE IS GOOD COMEDY JOKES ABOUT YOUR CARDINAL BIRDS GITTIN SHUT DOWN FOR GOOD! AND JUST IN CASE SLICK RICK DOES HIS USUAL THING OF SAYIN HE AIN’T READ THE REPORT CUZ HE DON’T READ NO NEWSPAPER OR NO BLOGS OR HE DON’T WATCH NO TV NEWS, WELL WE DONE HIRED A GUY FROM THE TRUMP RALLY TO WIRETAP INTO SLICK RICK’S WIFI SO THAT WHATEVER HE TRIES TO LOG ONTO TURNS INTO THAT HUNDERD EIGHTEEN PAGE REPORT. LARRY, IF I WEREN’T IN MEMPHIS GITTIN READY TO CHEER ON MY WILDCATS THEN I’D BE PUTTIN TOGETHER A PARADE OF PICKUP TRUCKS FULL OF CAT FANS TO DRIVE A CIRCLE AROUND SLICK RICK’S HOUSE HONKIN’ THEIR HORNS AND SHOUTIN’ “LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP!” YEAH…WE LEARNT THAT AT THE TRUMP RALLY THE OTHER NIGHT, TOO. BUT BEFORE I COME DOWN HERE TO MEMPHIS I GIVE ALL THE LOSERVILLE CATHLICK CHURCHES NEW BINGO CARDS FOR TONIGHT’S FRISH FRIES! I KNOW YOU ROSARY BEAD, STATUE RUBBIN, HOLY WATER THROWIN, KNEEL DOWN, STAND UP, KNEEL DOWN CATHLICK HEATHENS LIKE TO GIT TOGETHER ON FRIDAY NIGHTS TO DRINK BEER, DANCE, EAT FRISH FRIES, AND PLAY BINGO! AND YOU GONNA LIKE THESE HERE FANCY BINGO CARDS I HAD PRINTED UP. THE SPACES DON’T GOT NUMBERS, THEY GOT THE NAMES OF DIFFERENT STRIPPER GIRLS THAT WORKED FOR U OF SMELL. SO WHEN THE GUNNOUNCER SHOUTS OUT “BERTHA BUTT CHEEKS” THEN YOU LOOK FOR BERTHA BUTT CHEEKS ON YOUR BINGO CARD AND PUT THE LITTLE MARKER ON IT. THEN THE GUNNOUNCER WILL CALL OUT THE NAMES OF OTHER U OF SMELL STRIPPERS LIKE “CATHY CLEAVAGE” AND “NAUGHTY NATASHA” AND “TWO TIME TAMMY” THEN YOU MARK THEM SPACES. AND WHEN YOUR CARD MARKERS GO IN THE SHAPE OF A L, THEN YOU HOLLER OUT “PAY ME ANDRE!” AND THEN YOU GET PAID IN WRINKLY ONE DOLLAR BILLS. IF I WAS YOU, I WOULDN’T TOUCH THAT MONEY LESS YOU GOT GLOVES ON. PUT SOME CLOROX ON EM WHEN YOU GIT HOME. ANYHOO, HAVE FUN AT YOUR CATHLICK BINGO TONIGHT YOU BUNCH OF HEATHENS. THE REAL GOD-FEARIN WILDCAT FANS WILL ALL BE IN MEMPHIS HELPIN OUR WILDCATS BEAT THEM CALLYFORNIA DOPE SMOKIN HIPPIES FROM U.C.L.A. AND THEN BURN US SOME COUCHES IN THE STREET OUT IN FRONT OF ELVIS’ HOUSE. CATS BY 12! NO CRYIN ON THE YACHT BUT LOTS OF CRYIN IN THE GHETTO STREETS OF LOSERVILLE…THE LITTLE TOWN THAT COULDN’T. U OF SMELL IS A LOSER. BELLARMINE IS A LOSER. WE BEAT BOBBY PETRINKO’S LOSER FOOTBAW TEAM, AND NOW Y’ALL GOTTA SET BACK AND WATCH THE CATS WIN IT ALL WHILE Y’ALL WAIT FOR THE NC2A DEATH PENALTY! THIS THE GREATEST TIME IN A CAT FAN’S LIFE, CEPT FOR WHEN THEIR BABIES IS BARN AND THEY ARGUE WITH EACH OTHER OVER WHETHER TO NAME THEIR CHILD BAM, MONK, FOX, OR ADOLPH. AWWWWWW C-A-T-S! CATS! CATS! CATS! NO CRYIN ON THE YACHT! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! CATS! CATS! CATS!

THE BEASMAN uk over ucla tonight
(sing) “WELL I WAS WALKING IN MEMPHIS…GOT MY WILDCAT SHOES TEN FEET OFF OF BEALE.” GO CATS! GO BLUE! BEAT THEM CALLYFARNIA DOPE SMOKIN HIPPIE FREAKS U.C.L.A. SWISHY BOYS! CATS GOIN ALL THE WAY AND Y’ALL BETTER KNOW IT, U.C.L.A. WE GONNA GIT YA BACK FOR HAVIN THE AUDACERATION TO BEAT US IN RUMP ARENER AT CHRISTMASTIME. AND PURDY BOY STEVE ALFRED CAN PACK HIS BAGS TOMORRY AND HEAD TO INJIANNER TO BE THEIR NEW COACH AND U UH KAY WILL GLADLY BEAT HIM THERE, TOO! GO CATS! FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS! BLUE ALL NIGHT! NO CRYIN ON THE YACHT! COACH CAL IS BACK IN MEMPHIS BUT HE AIN’T GONNA BE LIKE ELVIS AND CROAK SETTIN ON THE TARLIT. NOPE! COACH CAL DONE WENT TO MASS TODAY AND SO YOUR FAKE CATHLICK GOD IS GONNA WORK HIS CATHLICK MOJO TO MAKE SURE THE CATS WIN! I LOVE IT! STOP YOUR WHININ LARRY. TONIGHT IS GAME NIGHT FOR THE BIG BROTHER SCHOOLS ONLY! Y’ALL LITTLE BROTHERS NEED TO AST YOUR MAMA IF YOU CAN STAY UP LATE TO WATCH HOW THE BIG TEAMS PLAY. (laffs) I LOVE HAVIN A WHOLE WEEK TO BRAG ABOUT MY KENTUCKY WILDCATS WHEN ALL YOU FILTHY CARDINAL FANS CAN DO IS HANG YOUR HEADS IN SHAME. GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT FANS BEEN PARTYIN AND DANCIN AND TRYIN TO PICK OUT WHICH COUCH WE GONNA LIGHT ON FIRE LATE TONIGHT. AND ALL YOU U OF SMELLERS WANNA START ON FIRE IS THAT NC2A SCANDAL REPORT THEY JUST HANDED DOWN. BUT THE ONLY ONE GITTIN BURNT IS SLICK RICK. THE TRAITOR TURNCOAT WHO STABBED U UH KAY IN THE BACK IS IN DEEP DOO DOO AND HE AIN’T GONNA WIGGLE OUTTA THIS ONE. THE NC2A SAYS “WE DON’T BLEEVE YOU, SLICK SO STICK A FARK IN YOU!” MEMBER HOW SLICK RICK FLIPPED THE BIRD TO US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS? WELL THAT’S WHAT THE NC2A JUST DONE TO HIM. DEATH PENALTY! DEATH PENALTY FOR THE CARDINAL CONVICTS! THEM ROTTEN CARDINAL COACHES WAS LOOKIN THE OTHER WAY WHILE YOUR PLAYERS AND RECRUITS WAS HAVIN SEX PARTIES WITH PROSTERTUTES! I STILL CAINT BLEEVE IT! SLICK RICK SAYS HE DINT KNOW NOTHIN AND HE GITS BUTTKISSERS LIKE YOU TO GO ON NATIONAL TV AND SWEAR THAT SLICK DINT KNOW NOTHIN. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE KNOWED, LARRY? YOU CAINT KNOW WHAT SOMEBODY ELSE CLAIMS THEY DON’T KNOW. SLICK RICK DONE GOT CAUGHT CHEATIN AND YOU IS LYIN FOR HIM. I HEAR TELL SLICK RICK JUST GOT A PROCTOLOGY EXAM AND THE DOCTOR SAID YOU FELL OUT OF THERE. AIN’T YOU GOT NO PRIDE, LARRY? YOU IS THE SEAN SPICER OF SLICK RICK APOLOGISTS…ALL YOU DO IS COME OUT THERE AND LIE, LIE, LIE EVER DAY. HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN LARRY IS LYIN ABOUT HIS BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK? HIS LIPS IS MOVIN. QUIT COVERIN UP FOR A NC2A RULES VIOLATER! THAT 118-PAGE REPORT THEY COME OUT WITH WAS LIKE A LOVE LETTER TO U UH KAY AND HATE MAIL TO U OF SMELL. JUST ACCEPT IT THAT SLICK RICK GONNA HAVE TO SIT OUT FOR ABOUT 10 GAMES AND Y’ALL GONNA LOSE MORE SCHOLARSHIPS! COACH CAL SAID TODAY THAT U UH KAY SHOULD BE CLASSY AND SEND U OF SMELL A SYMPATHY GIFT. SO THEY JUST SENT Y’ALL A BIG TALL BLUE LADDER WITH A NOTE THAT SAYS “CLIMB UP THERE AND TAKE DOWN THE FRAUD CHAMPERCHIPS BANNER.” (laffs) TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! (laffs) THIS HERE IS LIKE CHRISTMAS AND MY BIRFDAY AND MARCH MADNESS ALL ROLLED INTO ONE WITH U UH KAY SOARING AND U OF SMELL FLAMIN OUT! THE CATS IS GITTIN READY TO JACK THEM U.C.L.A. JAWS TONIGHT AND THEN WE GONNA BEAT ANYBODY ELSE WHO GITS IN OUR WAY! FINAL FOUR! FINAL FOUR! MEANTIME BACK IN LOSERVILLE, Y’ALL GOT A DIFFERENT BRACKET WHERE THEY PICK THE “FINAL WHORE!” BURN THAT BANNER! BURN THAT BANNER! BURN THAT BANNER! AWWWWW C-A-T-S! CATS! CATS! CATS! I HOPE SLICK RICK GITS TO WATCH OUR GAME TONIGHT! SURELY THEY GOT A TV SET IN THE NC2A STOCKADE, RIGHT? LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP! TAKE THAT BANNER DOWN! TAKE THAT BANNER DOWN! NO CRYIN ON THE YACHT! NO CRYIN ON THE YACHT! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH!