THE BEASMAN cats crush cards
TOUCHDOWWWWWWNNNNNN KENTUCKY! (laffs) THE CATS IS STILL OUT THERE SCORIN, YOU BUNCH OF SAGGY PANTS, CROOKED TEETH, CROWN ROYAL FOR BREAKFAST, BRAINLESS, SPINELESS, GUTLESS LOSERVILLE THUGS! TOUCHDOWWWWNNNN KENTUCKY! AND THEY IS GOIN FOR TWO AFTER EVER TOUCHDOWN CUZ LOSERVILLE CAINT STOP A TODDLER FROM GETTING TO THE END ZONE! (laffs) I HOPE YOU U OF SMELLERS FINALLY ACCEPT YOUR FATE AS LITTLE BROTHER NOBODIES. Y’ALL COULDN’T BEAT A DIVISION 3 TEAM OF CROSS-EYED COMPUTER NERDS. (laffs)

I HEARD JEFF BROHM JUST KISSED HIS PURDUE BOSS ON THE MOUTH AND SAID “PLEASE LET ME STAY. I CAINT DO NOTHIN TO FIX THAT LOSERVILLE DUMPSTER FIRE!” SO THEN PURDUE CUT JEFF BROHM’S PAY IN HALF AND ALL HE SAID WAS “THANK YOU! THAT’S STILL BETTER’N HAVIN TO COACH U OF SMELL! I WANNA BOILER UP FOR MINIMAL WAGE!” (laffs) LARRY, I GOTTA TELL YOU HOW MUCH I ADMIRE YOU. SERIOUS BIDNIZ. MOST OF US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS FIGGERED YOU WOULDA CALLED IN SICK TODAY BUT HERE YOU IS, READY FOR BIG BLUE NATION TO RIP YOU TO SHREDS LIKE STOOPS TROOPS DONE TO U OF SMELL. (laffs)

56 TO TIN. AND IT COULDA BEEN TWO HUNDERD FIDDY SIX TO TIN. (laffs) DADGUMMIT, I TODE YOU TO PUT FRESH LIGHTBULBS IN THE U UH KAY SCOREBOARD CUZ BENNY AND TERRY TOUCHDOWN WAS GONNA LIGHT IT UP LIKE A CALIFARNIA WILDFIRE! (laffs)

AIN’T YOUR HEAD HURTIN FROM GETTIN IT SMASHED IN BY MY WILDCATS? WE WAS LOOKIN ALL OVER FOR YOU AFTER THE GAME BUT A BUNCH OF PEOPLE SAID YOU JUMPED OFF THE TOP OF THE SECOND DECK TO TRY TO KILL YOURSELF. (laffs) BUT YOU LANDED ON A SOFT PILE OF LOSERVILLE CRYIN TOWELS AND JUST HAD TO WALK HOME TALKIN TO YOURSELF. (laffs) MATT JONES DROVE THE TEAM BUS HOME TO LEXINUN BUT FIRST HAD TO SOD VINCE TY-ROID’S YARD. HE’S A U UH KAY TRAITOR JUST LIKE YOU, LARRY MINNER.

MEMBER HOW I TODE YOU NOT TO GO TRAITOR TURNCOAT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK BUT LOOK AT YOU NOW. SLICK DUMPED YOU. TOMMY TURTLENECK DONE GOT RUN OFF. BOBBY PETRINKO HOPPED ON HIS MOTOR-SICKLE WITH A TALL BLOND AND NOW U OF SMELL GOT NOTHIN. VINCE TY-ROID GOT NO MONEY IN THE BANK SO INSTEAD OF HIRING A COACH, Y’ALL GONNA USE PLAYSTATION TO CALL YOUR WEAK SAUCE OFFENSE. BROHM AIN’T COMIN, YOU BUNCH OF CARDINAL NITWITS.

RONDALE MOORE DON’T WANNA GO TRAITOR TURNCOAT TO PURDUE. Y’ALL AIN’T GITTIN HIM TO BE YOUR BINNY SNELL, SO SHUT YOUR CAKEHOLE ABOUT RONDALE. Y’ALL DEAD TO HIM. LOSERVILLE IS RADIOACTIVE, LARRY. ALL THE RATS IS JUMPIN SHIP. THE ONLY IDIOT THEY COULD FIND TO COACH BASKETBAW IS YOUR TWIN, OBVIOUSLY WITH THE SAME LOW I.Q. AS YOU.

WHY DON’T YOU GO BACK TO THAT CURSED STADIUM AND TRY TO JUMP OFF THE SECOND DECK AGAIN? I THINK THEY MOVED THEM SOGGY CRYING TOWELS SO THIS TIME YOU CAN SPLATT AND END IT ALL, YOU PENCIL NECK LOSERVILLE FRAUD! (laffs)

MY KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS GOIN BOWLIN! ONE OF THE BIGTIME NEW YEAR’S DAY BOWLS IS GONNA COME CALLIN THE CATS CUZ BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN! THE BLUE WAVE FINALLY ARRIVED! KENTUCKY WILDCAT FANS IS LIKE CHILDREN OF DIVORCE…WE GIT TWO CHRISTMASES. STOOPS GIVE US THE FIRST ONE BY BASHIN U OF SMELL AND COACH CAL GONNA GIVE US A SECOND CHRISTMAS BY PUTTIN A BEATDOWN ON BALDY AND HIS F.B.I. SUSPECTS! (laffs)

OH LARRY, I AIN’T BEEN THIS HAPPY SINCE ME AND ADOLPH RUPP TODE TEXAS WESTERN THEY COULDN’T STAY IN OUR HO-TEL BACK IN 66. (laffs) BUT THEN THEY BEAT US AND I AIN’T NEVER FELT REAL JOY AGAIN SINCE SAIRDEE NIGHT IN THE CARDINAL GHETTO STADIUM. (laffs) GIT READY FOR BIGTIME BOWLIN, CAT FANS! WE GONNA LOAD UP THE TRUCKS AND GO SHOOT UP WHATEVER TOWN THEY GIVE US! TELL MOM & EM TO PACK UP THE STYROFOAM COOLERS AND MASON JARS. WE GONNA SELLER-MA-BRATE NEW YEAR’S WILDCAT STYLE…KISSIN SIS AT MIDNIGHT AND WHOOPIN ALABAMMER ON NATIONAL TEEVEE!

AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN! GO CATS! GO BLUE! DUCK YOUR HEADS, CARDINAL FANS! WHEN WE DROVE HOME TO LEXINUN, WE SEEN A BUNCH OF F.B.I. CARS HEADIN TOWARD LOSERVILLE! THEY COMIN TO ARREST MORE OF YOU FOR WELFARE CHEATIN, DRUG RUNNIN, OR TAKING SHOE COMPANY MONEY! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! LET’S BURN A COUCH!