radio script for March 17 2014 5:45 p.m.

THE BEASMAN bracketology
LARRY, LARRY, LARRY. I SURE WISH I OWNED A VIOLIN STORE IN LOSERVILLE. OH BOO HOO HOO! POOR LITTLE BROTHER GOT PUT IN HIS LITTLE BROTHER SPOT AS A #4 SEED EVEN THOUGH SLICK RICK BEGGED ON TV TO BE A #1. CRY ME A RIVER, YOU WHINY SCHOOL GIRLS. WHEN ARE ALL YOU CARDINAL CONVICT, SNAGGLE TOOTH, SAGGY PANTS, GHETTO BLASTER, NECK TATTOO U OF SMELL CRYBABIES GONNA STOP SNIFFLING ABOUT SEEDINGS? YOU OUGHT TO BE RUNNING IN FEAR THAT U UH KAY IS WAITING TO JACK YOUR JAW AGAIN AND SEND YOU HOME TO BE OUR BEE-OTCHES AGAIN. YOU DIDN’T DESERVE NO #4 SEED, YOU BUNCH OF NO-TALENT, CUPCAKE-PLAYIN, LUCKY LOSERS. YOU LOST TO U UH KAY BACK IN DEE-CEMBER AND THAT SET YOUR FATE. WHEN THE COMMITTEE MET TO DEE-CIDE WHAT TO DO, THEY SAID “SLICK RICK ONLY WON IT LAST YEAR BECAUSE KEVIN WARE’S LEG SNAPPED LIKE A TREE BRANCH AND SO ALL THE OTHER TEAMS ROLLED OVER OUT OF SYMPATHY. THIS YEAR, SLICK RICK GOT SLAPPED DOWN BY COACH CAL AND THE DOMMERATIN’ CATS. GIVE ‘EM A #4 AND TELL ‘EM THAT’S A GIFT.” THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED, LARRY, BECAUSE MY COUSIN WAS IN THE ROOM SERVING COFFEE AND HE TWITTER TWEETED IT.

SO SHUT YOUR BALD HEAD ABOUT U OF SMELL GITTIN DISSED. EVER TIME Y’ALL IS ON TV THE STATE OF KENTUCKY GETS DISSED BY ASSOCIATION. NOW LET’S TAWK ABOUT WHAT REALLY MATTERS – THE BIG BLUE DOMMERATION MACHINE IS BACK – THE GOOD & CLASSY WILDCATS DONE BEEN TWEAKED AND FREAKED AND STILL AINT PEAKED. WE IS RAMPED UP AND READY TO ROAR RIGHT TO THE NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS #9 FOR DUNK DYNASTY U UH KAY. WE HAD FLORIDA ON THE ROPES BUT BILLY DONNERVAN THREW ICE ON THE FLOOR AND MADE JAMES YOUNG SLIP & FALL AND SO WE LOST BUT WE WAS ABOUT TO WIN. AND WE WAS DOWN DOUBLE DIGITS IN A GAME AGAINST THE SUPPOSED #1 TEAM AND COME BACK TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT U UH KAY DON’T JUST PLAY COLLEGE BASKETBAW – WE IS COLLEGE BASKETBAW. OH, AND A LITTLE SHOUTOUT TO THE INJIANNER HOOSIERS WHO DINT EVEN GIT INVITED TO THE N.I. FREAKIN T. SO TELL THEM HOOSIER NOBODIES TO STOP WHINING ABOUT U UH KAY NOT PLAYING THEM NO MORE. HEY, WE DON’T PLAY TEAMS THAT CAINT EVEN MAKE THE N.I.T. A LIST OF ALL THOSE NOBODY TEAMS CAN BE FOUND ONLINE AT LOUISVILLE CARDINAL SCHEDULE DOT COM.

OH LARRY, I KNOW YOU’S SCARED. DID YOU AND SLICK RICK CUDDLE UNDER THE COVERS LAST NIGHT AND CRY ABOUT WHICH GAME Y’ALL NEED TO THROW TO MAKE SURE YOU DON’T GOTTA FACE U UH KAY IN THE SWEET 16? AINT NO WAY SLICK RICK CAN LOSE TO LITTLE STEVE MASTERELLO AND MANHATTAN CUZ BALLBOYS CAINT BEAT THEIR FARMER COACHES. SO ME AND ALL MY WILDCAT BUDDIES SAY U OF SMELL GONNA GO DOWN IN THE SECOND GAME TO NARTH CARAMALINER STATE OR SAINT LOUIE. DON’T MATTER. ONCE THEM FILTHY CARDINALS REALIZE THAT A SECOND VICTREE MEANS THEY GOTTA FACE COACH CAL AND THE TWEAKED U UH KAY WILDCATS – YOU GONNA TAKE A DIVE. Y’ALL DON’T WANT NONE OF THIS. CATS IS ON FIRE! WE ALMOST TOOK DOWN BILLY DONNERVAN AND THAT SHOWED THE WORLD THAT THE FARDY & OH CATS IS FINALLY HERE. COACH CAL DONE PRIMED THE PUMP. KANSAS STATE IS FRAUDCATS. THERE IS ONLY ONE WILDCATS AND THAT IS U UH KAY.

FRIDAY NIGHT PRIME TIME U UH KAY SHOWS THE DOMMERATION TO THE NATION. AND SLICK RICK WILL BE SITTIN IN HIS ORLANDO HOTEL ROOM WATCHING THE CATS AND THINKING ABOUT THE DISASTER THAT WAITS IN HIS PATH. GO JUMP OFF SPACE MOUNTAIN, SLICK RICK. YOU DON’T WANT THESE CATS! AND GIT READY, ALL YOU FOULMOUTH, DRUNK, DISGUSTING, OBAMA LOVING, FOOD STAMP CASHING, TARC BUS RIDING, ARENA DEADBEAT, MAKING BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, NECK TATTOO U OF SMELL FANS. THE ONLY RISE AND REPEAT YOU GET IS TO RISE AND SALUTE THE WILDCATS REPEATING AS CHAMPS AGAIN. GO CATS! GO CATS! THE YEAR OF THE CARDINAL JUST TURNT INTO THE YEAR OF THE CAT! WHAT DO CATS DO? THEY EAT BIRDS, DADGUMMIT!