THE BEASMAN 30 for 30
AINT NO SECRET I BEEN SLEEPIN IN A TENT ON THE SIDEWALK OUTSIDE MEMORIAL COLLER-SEUM WAITIN ON NEXT SEASON’S MIDNIGHT MADNESS TICKETS. WELL I AINT THERE NO MORE BUT NOT MY FAULT. THEM EASTER STARMS COME RUMBLIN THROUGH HERE AND THIS COP COMES ALONG AND SAYS “BEASMAN, I CAINT LET YOU KEEP THIS TENT HERE CUZ IF A LIGHTNIN BOLT HITS THAT K-FLAG UP ON TOP YOU GONNA GIT FRIED LIKE BACON.” SO HE SENT ME HOME AND TODE ME TO COME BACK IN SEPTEMBER WHEN THEY HAND OUT THE TICKETS. SO I COME HOME AND GOT CAUGHT UP ON EVERTHANG. DADGUMMIT, I WATCHED ME THAT 30 + 30 THING ON COACH CAL AND WHEN HE STARTED CRYIN AT THE END, I STARTED CRYIN TOO.

EVEN YOU SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, OBAMA PHONE, BACKWARDS CAP, NECK TATTOO, SNAGGLE TOOTH CARDINAL FANS GOTTA LIKE COACH CAL NOW. HE JUST CARES ABOUT THE PLAYERS. HE DON’T CARE ABOUT THE MONEY, THE FAME, THE PRIVATE JETS, THE PEOPLE LINED UP TO DO WHATEVER HE WANTS…HE JUST DOES IT ALL FOR THE PLAYERS. THAT’S SO BEAUTIFUL TO SEE IN A WORLD WHERE COACHES LIKE SLICK RICK, DADGUM ROY, AND MIKE SHIT-SHETSKI JUST CARE ABOUT THEIR BIG EGOS. COACH CAL DON’T EVEN HAVE A MIRROR. HE JUST GOES TO MASS EVER DAY AND THINKS ABOUT WHAT HE CAN DO TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE.

ALL THEM OTHER COACHES STAY IN THEIR MANSIONS WHILE COACH CAL DRIVES AROUND TO FEED THE HUNGRY, WARSH PEOPLE’S FEET, GIVE ‘EM TUITION TO GO TO BEAUTICIAN SCHOOL OR C0-SIGN CAR LOANS FOR WAYWARD GIRLS TRYIN TO GET A START IN LIFE. HE DOES THAT AND COACH CAL GOES INTO THE POOR PART OF TOWNS PROMISING TO MAKE MILLIONAIRES OUT OF TALL PEOPLE. HE’S THE 13TH APOSTLE, LARRY. I SEEN IT ON THE COACH CAL 30 + 30 SPECIAL. I THINK THEY OUGHT TO SHOW THAT TO SCHOOL CHILDREN ALL ACROSS AMERICA, EXPECIALLY TO THE TALL ONES WHO CAN JUMP REAL GOOD.

ON EASTER WE GO TO CHURCH TO HONOR THE BIG GUY FOR HIS SACRIFICE BUT ALL THE OTHER DAYS US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS PRAY FOR COACH CAL TO WIN US ANOTHER CHAMPERCHIPS. DADGUM ROY AND NARTH CARAMALINER IS CATCHIN UP WITH US. AND LARRY, THE OTHER GREAT NEWS I JUST LEARNT ABOUT IS THAT LOSERVILLE IS OUT OF MONEY. I LOVE IT. U OF SMELL IS ALWAYS BRAGGIN ABOUT HOW MUCH MONEY THEY STEAL OUT OF THAT CHICKEN BUCKET ARENER AND THAT’S WHY THEY CAINT PAY THE MORTGAGE ON THE YUM YUM. TURNS OUT THAT U OF SMELL SPENDS ALL THAT MONEY LIKE A DRUNK MONKEY.

AT THE BOARD MEETING, PAPA JOHNSON THE PIZZA KING SAID U OF SMELL IS BROKE AND THE LEADERSHIP AIN’T DOIN NOTHIN BUT LIGHTIN HUNDERD DOLLAR BILLS ON FIRE. AND AT U UH KAY, EVER DOLLAR IS SPENT ON IMPORTANT STUFF LIKE CHECKERBOARD BASKETBAW UNIFARMS, FANCY COAL LODGE DARMITORY FURNITURE, AND LOTS OF NETS CUZ THE CATS DUNK SO MUCH THEY GIT TORE UP QUICK. AND PAPA JOHNSON THE PIZZA KING IS GOOD BUDDIES WITH COACH CAL SO I BETCHA THEY BOTH HAD A GOOD LAUGH TAWKIN ABOUT U OF SMELL BEIN BROKE.

LARRY, I HOPE THEY SHUT DOWN YOUR DEN OF SIN SCHOOL ONCE AND FOR ALL SO WE DON’T GOTTA HEAR NO MORE ABOUT THE STUPID L SIGN OR THE ROTTEN SCANDALS Y’ALL DONE DID TO EMBARRASS THE GREAT STATE OF KENTUCKY WITH. GOOD RIDDANCE, U OF SMELL. AT LEAST Y’ALL DON’T GOTTA WORRY ABOUT TAKIN DOWN THAT BANNER NOW CUZ I’M SURE URBAN RENEWAL MEANS THEY GONNA KNOCK DOWN ALL YOUR BUILDINGS AND REPLACE ‘EM WITH MORE GHETTO APARTMENTS FOR CARDINAL CRIMINALS TO ROB AND SHOOT EACH OTHER EVER NIGHT. WE NEED TRUMP TO BUILD THAT WALL AROUND LOSERVILLE RIGHT DADGUM NOW! BUT YOU KNOW COACH CAL. HE HAS A SUCH A PURE HEART OF GOLD I’M SURE HE’S GONNA GU-NOUNCE THAT SLICK RICK CAN COME BE ON HIS STAFF AS THE HEAD LAUNDRY BOY OR MAYBE WORK AT THE AIRPORT WHERE WE SEE COACH CAL PULL UP TO THE PRIVATE JET TO FLY AROUND COLLECTIN MORE MAC-DONALD ALL-AMERICANS FOR THE CATS.

SLICK RICK CAN TOTE COACH CAL’S LUGGAGE OR MAYBE ROLL OUT THAT LITTLE RED CARPET FOR WHEN COACH CAL WALKS OFF THE AIRPLANE AND STRAIGHT INTO HIS FANCY CAR. SLICK CAN BE THERE AND SALUTE HIM LIKE THE U.S. MARINES DO WHEN THE PRESIDENT GITS OFF AIR FORCE ONE. I LOVE ME SOME COACH CAL. HIS TV SPECIAL WAS WATCHED BY MORE PEOPLE THAN THE SUPER BO, THE WORLD SERIES, THE NBA FINALS, AND THE “O.J. DIDN’T DO IT” VERDICT COMBINED. WE LOVE YOU, COACH CAL. HOPEFULLY IT’LL RAIN SOME MORE TODAY SO WE CAN SEE YOU WALK ON WATER AGAIN! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!