SLICK RICK’S BOOK OF LIES as read by The Beasman

CHAPTER ONE

I, SLICK RICK BUTEENER, DO SOLEMN-TY SWEAR THAT EVERTHANG I WROTE DOWN HERE IS A HUNDERD TEN PERCENT TRUE. BACK IN OCTOBER TWO THOUSAND FIFTEEN, I WAS IN MY OFFICE PRAYIN’ THE ROSARY, MAKIN DONATIONS TO CHARITIES, AND SEWING AMERICAN FLAGS FOR DISABLED VETRENS WHEN THE PHONE RINGS. I PICK IT UP AND MY BALD FAN BOY LARRY MINNER IS A-SCREAMIN SOMETHIN ABOUT THERE’S THIS FLOOZY NAME OF KATRINER POWELL AND SHE’S A-GOIN ON MATT JONES LECTRIC RADIO SHOW TAWKIN BOUT STRIPPERS SEXIN’ UP THE U OF SMELL BASKETBAW PLAYERS IN THE DARM. AND I SAYS “LARRY, SHE’S LYIN. AIN’T NOBODY HAS SEX IN THEM LITTLE DARM BEDS. WILD WOMEN ONLY HAS SEX IN RESTRUNT BOOTHS OR PAPA JOHN’S FRONT YARD HOT TUB.” THEN I HUNGED UP THE PHONE AND STARTED THINKIN ABOUT ADOPTING MORE ORPHANS WHEN A KNOCK COME TO THE DOOR AND IN WALKS A COUPLE OF F.B.I. AGENTS. I SAYS TO ‘EM, “YOU WANT ME TO AUTER-GRAPH YOUR WALKIE TALKIES?” AND THEY SAYS NAW, THEY NEED TO TAWK TO ME ABOUT SOME OF MY PLAYERS FAMILY’S GITTIN MONEY FROM ADIDAS. AND I SAYS TO THEM, I DON’T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT NO SHOE MONEY. BRIAN BOWEN JUST FELL OUT OF THE SKY AND MADE ME THE LUCKIEST COACH IN THE WORLD. AND THEM F.B.I. AGENTS PLAYED A TAPE OF MY ASSISTANT COACH TAWKIN TO THE SHOE GUY AND A GANGSTER ABOUT PAYIN MORE MONEY TO SOME OTHER U OF SMELL RECRUIT. AND SO I TELLS THE F.B.I. THAT I DIDN’T KNOW THAT ASSISTANT COACH, THAT HE WAS FAKE NEWS, JUST WEARING OUR CARDINAL SHIRT AND ACTIN LIKE HE KNOWED ME. THEN MY LAWYER TODE ME TO SHUT UP SO I IGNORED HIM AND CALLED MY BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN BOYFRIEND LARRY MINNER AND TODE HIM TO PUT ME ON THE RADIO RIGHT NOW SO I COULD DECLARE MY INNER-SENCE. LARRY THROWED ME SOFTBAW QUESTIONS SO I COULD ACT LIKE I DIDN’T DO NOTHIN WRONG AND DINT KNOW NOTHIN ABOUT NO FLOOZYS OR BAGS OF MONEY GOIN TO NO BRIAN BOWEN’S DADDY. AND THEN I SAID COACH CAL WAS BEHIND ALL THIS FAKE F.B.I. CHARGES AND THAT GOVERNOR MATT BLEVINS WAS LOADIN UP THE U OF SMELL BOARD WITH HIS PUPPETS SO THEY WOULD FIRE ME AND TOM JORDACHE AND PUT A BUNCH OF BOOTLICKIN HOLY ROLLERS IN THEIR PLACES.

CHAPTER TWO

PAPA JOHN WAS STILL ON THE BOARD NOT CUZ HE IS A HOLY ROLLER BUT BECAUSE GOVERNOR BLEVINS NEEDS HIS MONEY TO HELP HIM GIT RE-ELECTED AFTER HE MADE ALL THEM TEACHERS MAD. SO PAPA JOHN HOPPED IN HIS HELICHOPTER AT HIS PIZZA PLANTATION AND FLOWED TO THE BOARD OF TRAITORS MEETING WHERE HE GIVE ALL THE OTHER BOARD MEMBERS LARGE 5-TOPPING PIZZAS FOR FREE. THEN HE GIVE SMALL PIZZAS WITH NO TOPPINGS TO THE AFRO AMERICAN BOARD MEMBERS. AFTER THEY STARTED CHEWING ON THEM PIZZERS, PAPA JOHN SAID “I WANT ALL Y’ALL BOARD MEMBERS TO VOTE WITH ME TO FIRE SLICK RICK TODAY CUZ HE IS WARSHED UP, JUST LIKE COLONEL SANDERS WAS IN HIS DAY.” AND SO ALL THEM PEOPLE EATIN FREE PIZZA SAID THEY WOULD DO AS PAPA JOHN WANTED AS LONG AS HE KEPT BRINGING FREE PIZZA TO THE MEETINGS. SO THEY FIRED ME FOR NO REASON WHATSOVER, AND THEN PAPA JOHN LAUGHED, STOOD UP AND TORE OFF HIS RED PIZZA BOY SHIRT AND HE WAS WEARING A BLUE BBN SHIRT UNDERNEATH. AND THEN HE SHOUTED “GO BIG BLUE” AND JUMPED IN HIS HELICHOPTER AND FLOWED TO COACH CAL’S HOUSE FOR DINNER. AND HE TOOK DAVID GRISSOM WITH HIM, WHO TODE PAPA JOHN THAT HE HAD TO PEE SO THEY FLEW OVER RICK BUTEENER’S HOUSE AND THEY BOTH WHIZZED DOWN ON IT FROM THE HELICHOPTER. I DIDN’T LET IT BOTHER ME. I KNEW I HADN’T DONE NOTHIN WRONG WITH NO CRAZY LADY IN THE RESTRUNT. I DINT KNOW NOTHIN ABOUT NO STRIPPER FLOOZYS SQUIRTIN ON THE CEILINGS, AND THEM F.B.I. PEOPLE IS A BUNCH OF LIARS ACCORDING TO PRESIDENT TRUMP, SO MY FACTS IS ALL TRUE AND EVERBODY ELSE IS OUT TO GIT ME.

COMING UP IN THE NEXT CHAPTER: HOW I TAUGHT CHARLIE STRONG AND BOBBY PETRINO HOW TO BE FAITHFUL HUSBANDS.