How did unranked UCLA beat #1 UK so decisively? Sports Illustrated’s Gregory Habeeb explains.

RADIO SCRIPT: THE BEASMAN ucla breakdown
(crying) I’M BACK IN MY BED WITH THE COVERS PULT UP OVER MY HEAD, LARRY MINNER. (cry hard) IT AIN’T POSED TO BE LIKE ISS, DADGUMMIT. YESTERDEE I WAS LAUGHIN AND CARRYIN ON ABOUT HOW SLICK RICK AND THE LOSERVILLE FRAUDS GOT CLOWNED BY MICHERGAN STATE BUT TODAY THEM CALIFARNIA ILLEGAL ALIEN WELFARE MOOCHERS IS DOIN ALL THE LAFFIN BECAUSE THEY BEAT AMERICA’S TEAM, THE CATS.

(cry) DON’T YOU SMIRK, LARRY MINNER. I HEAR YOU SMIRKIN. I BET YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK WAS UP ALL NIGHT LAUGHIN ABOUT UCLA WHOOPIN COACH CAL BECAUSE Y’ALL IS SKEERED. YOU JUST WAIT, COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVERY DAY, YOU KNOW – COACH CAL GONNA START TRAININ THESE WILDCATS TO GIT READY FOR LOSERVILLE CUZ WE PLAYIN A BUNCH OF NOBODIES TIL THEN. I WONDER IF COACH CAL FORGOT TO GO MASS BECAUSE THE CATS WAS TRAVELING AND HE DINT HAVE TIME.

(cries) THIS CAINT BE HAPPENIN. WE BEAT THEM UCLA FOOLS BY ABOUT 75 POINTS LAST YEAR BUT LAST NIGHT THEY LOOKED LIKE STEPH CURRY’S TEAM. MY BIG BLUE HEART CAINT TAKE ALL THIS PAIN. U OF SMELL FOOTBAW AND SINFUL MOTOR CYCLE NECK BRACE WEARIN COACH BOBBY PETRINO DONE EMBARRASSED STOOPY POOPY AGAIN, AND THEN PATRICK TOWLES QUIT BUT WE CAINT AFFORD TO GIT RID OF THE COACH. AND ALL THEM SNAGGLE TOOTH, BAD BREAT, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, GOLD TEETH, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, OBAMA PHONE, TARC BUS RIDIN, TEENAGE MURDERIN, NECK TATTOO U OF SMELL FANS IS RUNNIN AROUND SWIGGIN OUT OF THEIR ROYAL CROWN BOTTLES POPPIN OFF ABOUT GOIN TO A BIGTIME BO GAME.

MEANTIME THE CATS FOOTBAW TEAM IS DONE. STICK A FARK IN US. AND NOW COACH CAL IS A FAILURE. DADGUMMIT, LARRY. CHRISTMAS TIME POSED TO BE ABOUT JOY TO THE WORLD, NOT PUKIN IN MY STOCKIN AND KICKIN THE TREE OVER WATCHIN U UH KAY GIT DUNKED ON BY A BUNCH OF CALIFORNIA HIPPIE PUNKS. HO HO HO IS U OF SMELL’S CHEER, NOT U UH KAY’S. IF COACH CAL IS WARSHED UP, THEN HE NEEDS TO STEP DOWN. HOW COME YOU DON’T PUT HIM ON YOUR LECTRIC RADIO SHOW LIKE YOU DONE TO SLICK RICK AND AST COACH CAL: “AINT IT TIME FOR YOU TO RESIGN?” COME ON, LARRY. I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>ALL US GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS NEED TO KNOW IF COACH CAL IS ALL IN OR HE’S JUST FAT AND HAPPY NOW AND DON’T CARE ABOUT GOIN FARDY AND OH NO MORE. WE IS THE CATS, DADGUMMIT! WE DON’T LOSE TO NO DOPE SMOKIN CALIFARNIA HIPPIES AND WE SURE AINT GONNA LOSE TO NO PROSTERTUTE WING MEN LIKE U OF SMELL. (cries) I’M GOIN BACK TO SLEEP AND CRY AWAY THE PATH TO PERFECTION. THE SHUTTERS IS ALL CLOSED AND I’M STAYIN IN BED TIL DEE-CEMBER 9TH WHEN THE CATS PLAY AGAIN. IF COACH CAL DON’T WANNA GIT CHASED OUTTA TOWN BY A GANG OF VIGILANTE CAT FANS BURNIN COUCHES AND TORCHES, HE BETTER BEAT THEM NOBODIES BY A HUNDERT POINTS. NO MORE SLACKER WILDCAT BASKETBAW, DADGUMMIT.

YOU U OF SMELLERS BETTER ENJOY THIS MOMENT CUZ YOU AINT NEVER GONNA SEE IT AGAIN. YOUR BEATDOWN IS THREE WEEKS AWAY AND IT CAINT GIT HERE SOON ENOUGH. GO CATS! GO BLUE! THIRTY NINE & ONE! THIRTY NINE & ONE! THIRTY NINE & ONE! THIRTY NINE & ONE! THIRTY NINE & ONE!