HEY Y’ALL. IT’S CANDY ANDY, HANDING OUT TREATS TO THE ONES I LOVE. MY KENTUCKY POWER IS HUUUUUGE CUZ I’M STOMPIN OUT THE RONA! IF I LIKE YOU, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER IT IS YOU DO TO MAKE MONEY. IF I’M NOT A FAN, WELL, WE AIN’T GONNA LET YOU BE DOIN’ THAT. CANDY ANDY DECIDES THE WINNERS AND LOSERS. IF YOU DON’T WANT YOUR BIDNIZ TO DIE, YOU BETTER LET US KNOW YOU SUPPORT OUR DEMOCRAT TEAM! AND BY SUPPORT, SURELY YOU KNOW TO HIT THAT DONATE BUTTON ON OUR WEBSITE! DOUGH-NATE! REPEAT AFTER ME: WE GONNA GIT THROUGH THIS. WE GONNA GIT THROUGH THIS TOGETHER. Y’ALL NEED TO WEAR A MASK, STAY HOME, NOT LOOK OUT THE WINDOW, AND DON’T ANSWER THE DOOR UNLESS IT’S THE CENSUS TAKER. IF IT IS THE CENSUS PERSON, TELL ‘EM THE NAMES OF EVERBODY IN THE HOUSE AND INCLUDE THE PETS AS PEOPLE. AND GIVE THE CENSUS TAKER THE NAMES OF EVER ONE OF THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD. THEY ALL COUNT AS KENTUCKIANS, AND THE MORE KENTUCKIANS WE CLAIM, THE MORE MONEY MITCH MCCONNELL AND TRUMP HAVE TO SEND FOR ME TO SPEND HOW I SEE FIT. BUT THIS AIN’T ABOUT POLITICS. THIS IS ABOUT BEING GENTLE WHILE PEOPLE ARE GOING INTO FI-NANCIAL RUIN.

JUST SO YOU DON’T GIT MADDER ABOUT BEIN TOLD WHAT TO DO, LEMME READ ANOTHER LETTER. 14-YEAR-OLD SHELLY SAYS: “GOVERNOR…I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE DOIN A GREAT JOB NOT SENDIN US BACK WHERE SCHOOL IS AT. I HOPE WE AINT NEVER GOIN AND STUFF. ME AND MY FRIENDS IS SOCIALIZIN DISTANCE AND GIVIN EACH OTHER TATTOOS THAT SAY ‘ANDY IS MY BOO.’” WELL SHELLY, I DON’T KNOW WHAT A BOO IS BUT I HOPE IT WEARS A MASK.

HERE’S ANOTHER LETTER FROM LITTLE JIMMY, AND HE SAYS: “CANDY ANDY! WHEN IS MY MAMA GOIN BACK TO WORK? WE USUALLY STAY WITH GRAMMAW BUT NOW WE CAN ONLY KISS HER THROUGH THE WINDOW. MAMA MAKES US CLEAN OUR ROOMS AND PICK UP OUR DISHES OFF THE FLOOR. GRAMMAW USED TO SET ON THE TARLIT ALL DAY AND YELL AT US TO MIKE-UR-WAVE OUR OWN PIZZA FOR BREAKFAST. THEN WE PLAY GRAND THEFT AUTO ALL DAY. CAN YOU MAKE MAMA GO TO WORK AGAIN?” WELL JIMMY, ODDS IS THAT YOUR MAMA IS GITTIN MORE MONEY STAYING HOME WITH YOU THAN GOIN TO SOME JOB SOMEWHERE. SO SHE’S PROLLY GONNA STAY HEALTHY AT HOME. WHY DON’T YOU STICK SOME BREAKFAST PIZZA IN HER MOUTH WHILE SHE’S ASLEEP AND THEN SHE’LL LEARN HOW GOOD IT IS! WELL…I’D LIKE TO STAY ON YOUR RADIO AND T.V. FOR TWO MORE HOURS TELLIN YA THAT SICK PEOPLE DIE AND IT’S SAD AND THAT I DEE-CIDE WHAT YOU GIT TO DO NEXT BUT IT’S TIME FOR ME TO GO WRITE DOWN LICENSE PLATE NUMBERS OF ALL THEM HARRIBLE CONSERVATIVES BUYIN TRUMP SAMWICHES AT CHICK-FIL-A. PUT ON YOUR MASK. AND IF YOU AIN’T A DEMOCRAT, WEAR IT IN THE SHOWER TO WATERBOARD YOURSELF TIL YOU LEARN HOW TO BE A ANDY FANDY! DOWN WITH RONA! DOWN WITH RONA! BUH-BYE!