THE BEASMAN cats lose (1)
(crying) I HOPE YOU DIE SOON, LARRY. (crying) I HEAR YOU A-S-S-S-S-SMIRKIN BOUT U UH KAY’S P-P-P-PAIN. ONLY A LOWDOWN, TOOTHLESS, B-B-B-B-BRAINLESS U OF SMELL SAGGY PANTS, NECK TATTOO THUG LIKE YOU HAS THE AUDACERATION TO MOCK US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS WHILE WE IS DOWN. (crying) YOU SUCK, LARRY. (crying) POOR LITTLE WILDCAT KIDS COULDN’T GO BACK TO SCHOOL THIS MARNIN CUZ THEY’S DEE-PRESSED. (crying) MOST OF THE GROWED UP WILDCAT FANS BEEN DRUNK SINCE HALFWAY THROUGH THE THIRD QUARTER WHEN WE ALL LEFT THE STADIUM TO CRY IN THE PARKIN’ LOT.

(crying) NOBODY BURNT UP NO COUCHES. NOBODY GOT TO SPRAYPAINT CUSS WORDS ON THE SIDE OF THE U OF SMELL TEAM BUS. (crying) WE JUST HAD TO SET THERE AND WATCH GAY-MAR JACKSON RUN AROUND LIKE A JITTERBUG AND NOT LETTIN NO WILDCATS TACKLE HIM.

(crying) I’M SETTIN HERE AT MY PSYCHIA-TRISTER OFFICE TRYIN TO GIT A SUBSCRIPTION TO DEE-PRESSION PILLS SO I CAN GIT MY HEAD THANKIN STRAIGHT AGIN, DADGUMMIT. IF THAT DON’T WORK, I’M GONNA LET ‘EM GIMME SHOCK TREATMENTS TO MAKE THIS HERE HARRIBLE MEMORY DISINCINERATE IN MY HEAD. (crying) THE DOCTOR SAYS HE WILL SEE ME NOW. LARRY, JUST IN CASE HE GIVES ME ONE OF THEM ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO NEST LOBOTORIES AND I CAINT NEVER TAWK NO MORE, I WANT MY LAST WORDS TO YOU TO BE THIS: YOU SUCK, YOU IS A TRAITOR TURNCOAT BENNERDICK ARNOLD AND I HOPE YOU GIT SHOT IN THE FACE BY ONE OF YOUR SCUMBAG THUG U OF SMELL CONVICT FANS. OH…AND GO BIG BLUE! (crying) TAKE ME IN TO SEE THE DOCTOR! AND TELL THE CHIEF TO SMOTHER ME WITH A PILLER IF MY BRAINBOX GITS TURNT OFF. (crying)

THE BEASMAN cats lose (2)
(crying) LARRY, I BEEN AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE ALL DAY GITTIN SUBSCRIPTIONS FOR ALL THEM DEE-PRESSION DRUGS SO I CAINT FEEL THE PAIN OF MY WILDCATS LOSING TO YOU DEVIL-WORSHIPPIN CARDINAL HEATHENS. (crying) IT AIN’T RIGHT, LARRY, IT JUST AINT RIGHT! U UH KAY POSED TO WIN SO ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS CAN TAUNT Y’ALL CARDINAL CRIMINALS AND BURN COUCHES AND WEAR BOBBY PETRINKO NECK BRACES…BUT NAW. U OF SMELL COME OUT THERE LIKE A BO-DOZER AND RUN US DOWN FROM THE START! STOOPS GOT TO GO, DADGUMMIT! ALL THEM OTHER TEAMS IS GU-NOUNCIN THEIR NEW COACHES BUT U UH KAY JUST STICKS WITH STOOPS AND HIS STOOPID “WAIT TIL NEXT YEAR” NONSENSE. I SAY WE RUN HIM OUTTA TOWN RIGHT NOW AND HIRE NICK SABAN.

NICK WANTS TO COACH U UH KAY CUZ EVERBODY LOVES THE CATS! (crying) AND Y’ALL CHEATED, LARRY. HOW DOES THAT LAY-MAR JACKSON GIT TO RUN AROUND PUNCHIN OUR GOOD AND CLASSY LINEBACKER AND NOT GIT THROWED OUT? JORDAN JONES WAS JUST OUT THERE PRAYIN’ THE ROSARY AND LAY-MAR JACKSON JUST WALKS UP AND PUNCHES HIM RIGHT UPSIDE HIS HEAD BUT THE CHEATIN REFFERMARIES DINT THO HIM OUT!

(crying) ANYBODY ELSE WOULDA GOT INJECTED FROM THE GAME BUT NOT THE UNTOUCHABLE LAY-MAR. NAW! THEM TV BU-ZECUTIVES SAID “WE GOTS TO HAVE LAY-MAR OR EVERBODY WILL SWITCH THE CHANNEL!”

SO THEY LET CHEATIN LAY-MAR STAY IN. LARRY, YOU KNOW LAY-MAR RUBS VASSER-LEAN ALL OVER HIS PANTS SO THE WILDCAT BOYS’ HANDS SLIDE OFF WHEN THEY IS TRYIN TO GRAB HIM. BUT NOBODY THROWS A FLAG. AND U OF SMELL DONE PASS INNER-FERENCED OUR WILDCAT RECEIVER BUT NOBODY THROWED THE FLAG. I BETCHA THAT ROTTEN BASKETBAW REFFERMARIE HIGGINS PICKED OUT THEM FOOTBAW REFFERMARIES JUST TO GIT BACK AT US. NO MORE STOOPS! NO MORE STOOPS! NO MORE STOOPS! US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS DONE WATCHED U OF SMELL FOOTBAW GO FROM PEE WEE LEVEL TO BUXPECTACLE BUT ALL WE DO AT U UH KAY IS STAY DOWN IN THE CELLAR WITH VANDERSMELT. HIRE NICK SABAN! HIRE NICK SABAN! HIRE NICK SABAN!

Time for some of this. #GoToWork pic.twitter.com/70iBzKZUJw

— Kentucky Athletics (@UKAthletics) November 25, 2017

MEANTIME, COACH CAL AND THE BASKETBAW CATS AIN’T WINNIN BY BIG ENOUGH POINTS. I KNOW THEY IS GOOD BUT THEY AIN’T GREAT AND U OF SMELL IS SURELY GONNA BE LOOKIN AT THAT KANSAS TAPE TO SEE HOW TO BEAT US. (crying) IF BOY PADGETT GITS THEM RAGTAG DEATH PENALTY CARDINAL BIRDS TO WIN IN RUMP ARENER NEXT MONTH THEN US CAT FANS GONNA RIOT IN THE STREETS! WE CAINT HANDLE TWO U OF SMELL VICTREES AGAINST U UH KAY IN ONE WINTER.

I’M LIABLE TO CLIMB UP ON A CAMPUS WATER TIRE AND START SHOOTIN AT RED CARS AGAIN. (crying) LASS TIME THE JUDGE LET ME OFF CUZ SHE’S A BIG OL CAT FAN BUT SHE SAID IF I EVER DO IT AGAIN I’M A-GOIN TO PRISON FOR LIFE. COME ON, COACH CAL!

DON’T LET THEM SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, JESUS HATIN, HEROIN SNIFFIN, TATTOOED BUTTCRACK, CURSIN AROUND CHILDREN U OF SMELL CARDINAL SCUMBAGS GIT A SWEEP ON U UH KAY! YOU GOT TO GIT OUR BABY WILDCATS TO PLAY TOGETHER SO THEY CAN RIP OUT THEIR CHEATIN HEARTS! AWWWWW C-A-…DADGUMMIT, I CAINT EVEN MUSTER UP A CHEER RIGHT NOW UNTIL I GOBBLE ANOTHER FISTFUL OF ANTI-DEE-PRESSION PILLS. (chew) (long exhale) WELL…SO FAR THEY AIN’T WORKIN. WIN OR LOSE, ONE THING’S FOR SURE…YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK IS STILL UNEMPLOYED, LARRY. AND I CAN ALWAYS SMILE ABOUT THAT.