radio sketch for Tuesday, May 10, 2016

RONNIE O’BRYAN b level derby celebrity departure

(sing) “WE CAN’T GO ON TOGETHER…WITH SUSPICIOUS MINDS!” >>>>>>>>> HEY MAN, IT’S AMERICA’S #1 ELVIS IMPERSONATOR, COMIN OFF A DERBY HIGH OF BEING TREATED LIKE A BIGTIME CELEBRITY! YOU KNOW WE ATTRACT ALL THE FADED STARS LIKE THE DUDE FROM THAT SHOW AND THE LADY WHO WAS IN THAT VIDEO AND THE KID WHO SAYS THE FUNNY THING IN THAT COMMERCIAL.

AIN’T NOBODY WHO KNOWS THEIR NAMES BUT WHEN THEY SEE ‘EM THEY SAY, “AIN’T YOU THAT GUY WHO WAS ON THAT SHOW?” AND THE B-TEAM CELEBRITY SAYS “NAW, I WAS THE DUDE FROM THAT MOVIE IN 19&78 AND I KEEP MILKING IT TO GET FREE DERBY TICKETS AND SIT AT THE FANCY TABLE BEHIND THE ROPES WHERE TOTAL STRANGERS PAY A THOUSAND DOLLARS TO STAND BACK AND WATCH ME EAT.”

PRETTY EXCITING STUFF, MAN. WHAT’S THE BUZZ, CUZ? HOW’S IT HANGIN? WATCH ME NAE NAE, WATCH ME WHIP. THIS HERE IS RONNIE O’BRYAN, WITH THE DERBY OVER I AM TRYIN TO STAY COOL LIKE ALL THE OTHER HAS-BEEN CELEBRITIES WHO WAS HERE AND TREATED LIKE ROYALTY AND NOW AIN’T GOT NOTHING TO DO UNTIL NEXT YEAR.

SERIOUSLY, MAN. THEY DON’T MAKE A BIG WHOOPTY DO ABOUT FADED CELEBRITIES AT THE FINAL FOUR OR THE SUPER BO OR THE NBA FINALS. NAW, YOU GOT TO BE A CURRENT SOMEBODY TO GIT TICKETS TO THEIR FANCY PARTIES BUT NOT DERBY TIME. NAW, IN LOUISVILLE WE FORM A CROWD AROUND ANY NITWIT WHO GOT MORE THAN A HUNDRED CLICKS ON A YOU TUBE PRANK VIDEO. WE IS DESPERATE FOR ENTERTAINMENT.

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THE BIGGEST STARS WE HAD THIS YEAR WAS KATE UPTON AND TED CRUZ SO WHAT’S THAT TELL YOU? NOW IS THE SAD PART WHERE I GOT TO LOAD ALL THEM HAS BEENS UP ON A GREYHOUND AND SEND EM BACK TO OBSCURITY UNTIL WE BEG THEM TO COME BACK NEXT YEAR.

OH LOOK…IT’S LARRY BIRKHEAD, THE SPERMINATOR WHO GOT ANNA NICOLE PREGNANT! LET’S TREAT HIM LIKE HE IS PRINCE WILLIAM GITTIN KATE MIDDLETON PREGNANT TO MAKE MORE FUTURE KINGS! WOW! WHAT A STAR! THE REST OF THE YEAR LARRY AND JOEY FATONE JUST LIVE IN THEIR MOM’S BASEMENTS LIGHTING FARTS AND PLAYIN VIDEO GAMES ONLINE AGAINST ISIS TERRORISTS.

WHO ELSE DO I GOTTA TAKE TO THE BUS STATION? IT’S THE ONE GIRL FROM THE SUPREMES THAT NOBODY REMEMBERS. I HOPE SHE CAN REMEMBER WHICH FLOPHOUSE SHE LIVES IN CUZ I DON’T KNOW WHICH BUS TO PUT HER ON.

AND I ALSO GOT TO TAKE CARE OF POOR TED CRUZ. EVER SINCE HE DONE DROPPED OUT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE HE JUST WANDERS AROUND SMELLING LIKE A VODKA TONIC AND MUMBLING ABOUT SHAVING A STRIPE DOWN THE MIDDLE OF TRUMP’S HEAD AND THEN SHOOTING HIM IN THE FACE WITH A NAIL GUN. THEY TOLD ME THE NEXT BUS FOR TED CRUZ’S HOMETOWN IN CANADA DON’T LEAVE UNTIL NEXT WEEK SO DON’T ACT SURPRISED IF YOU SEE HIM TURNING TRICKS AT FOURTH STREET LIVE. EVEN KIM DAVIS DIDN’T WANT HIM AT HER HOUSE BECAUSE HE SANG THAT SONG THAT SAYS “TIS SUMMER, THE PEOPLE ARE GAY.”

WELL, I BETTER GO. THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY AND THAT WELCOME BACK, KOTTER GUY WANT ME TO WALK ‘EM THRU OXMOOR MALL TO SEE IF ANYBODY NOTICES THEM. AND IF THEY DON’T, THEN THEY GONNA SHOPLIFT SOME NEW CLOTHES SO THEY CAN TRY TO GET MODELING JOBS IN THE NEXT FONZIE COMMERCIAL FOR REVERSE MORTGAGES! TERRY, IT’S TOUGH GETTING OLD, MAN.