You’d better stay away from this guy for a few weeks. The vaunted Kentucky Wildcats basketball team lost to Wisconsin, ending a streak of 38 straight wins on a path to what seemed to be perfection.

RADIO SCRIPTS FOR MONDAY, APRIL 6, 2015

THE BEASMAN #1 buy all the tickets
WHY, GOD, WHY? (sniffing and crying) I AINT GOT OUTTA BED YET CUZ MY HEART DONE BEEN BROKE WHEN THE PATH TO PERFECTION WENT OVER A CLIFF. (cry) THEY TELL ME EASTER SUNDEE CHURCH SERVICES ACROSS KENTUCKY WAS LIKE A GHOST TOWN. NO CAT FANS NOWHERE. WE’S ALL SICK TO OUR BONES WITH ANOTHER FINAL FOUR MELTDOWN.

I WAS BUXPECTIN TO CALL UP HERE TODAY AND MAKE FUN OF YOU AND YOUR BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK…BUT I GOT NOTHIN NOW. IT’S OVER. COACH CAL IS COACH CAN’T. HE’S JUST ANOTHER I-TALIAN LOUDMOUTH WHO TRICKED US COUNTRY FOLK INTO GIVIN HIM MILLIONS OF DOLLARS FOR A SACK OF NOTHIN. GO ON AND MOVE TO CLEVELAND, CAL. YOU CAINT CLOSE THE DEAL. LARRY, THEY GIMME SOME NYQUIL TO MAKE ME SLEEP SO I MIGHT BE TAWKIN OUTTA MY HEAD. THEM CATS POSED TO GO FARDY & OH SO ALL US GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS COULD TAWK SMACK TO YOU SNAGGLE TOOTH, HAS BEEN LOSERVILLE CARDINAL CRIMINALS, BUT NOW Y’ALL IS LAUGHIN AT US CAT FANS AND IT JUST SHOWS THAT Y’ALL AINT GOT NO CLASS.

WHEN U OF SMELL LOSTED LAST WEEK, US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS DINT TAUNT Y’ALL. NAW. WE SAID “CONGRATULATIONS OF GOIN FARTHER THAN YOU DESERVE, YOU BUNCH OF N.I.T. WANNABE FRAUDS.” SEE, THAT’S JUST TELLIN THE TRUTH, THAT AIN’T SMACK TAWK. SO WHY Y’ALL U OF SMELLERS GOTTA KICK US WHEN WE IS DOWN NOW? WE IS THE CATS. SOME GUY ON TV SAID THE PATH TO PERFECTION WAS NOW PEFECTION REJECTION. HE OUGHTA BE FIRED. ALL OUR LITTLE WILDCAT FAN CHILDREN IS WALKIN AROUND CRYIN AND SAYIN THEY CAINT GO TO SCHOOL NO MORE CUZ THEY IS DEE-PRESSED. WE NEED THE GUMMIT TO PARACHUTE IN PALLETS FULL OF ZOLOFT FOR ALL OUR DEE-SPONDENT KENTUCKIANS. PEOPLE IS BUG-EYED CRAZY WITH TEARS AND BLOOD POURING OUT OF THEIR FACES LIKE A EPISODE OF THE WALKING DEAD.

I SEEN THAT INNERNET PITCHER OF COACH CAL AS PICCOLO GIRL, CRYIN ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE LOCKER ROOM. THAT AIN’T FUNNY, LARRY MINNER. I AGREE WITH ANDREW HARRISON WHEN HE SAID “F THAT N.” ANYBODY WHO LAFFS ABOUT U UH KAY LOSIN IS A TROLL, AND ANDREW HARRISON’S WORDS IS WHAT US GOOD CLASSY CATS SAY TO OUR TAUNTERS: F THAT N. (cry) THIS ONE HURTS REAL BAD, LARRY MINNER.

MATT JONES TODE US GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS TO HODE OUR HEADS UP HIGH BUT HOW CAN WE DO THAT KNOWING THAT WE WAS BEAT BY A BUNCH OF WHITE BOY DAIRY COW MILKIN WESS-CONSIN CHEESEHEAD FRAUDS? SO IF THEY WIN THE NATIONAL CHAMPEENSHIP IT MEANS THAT DAIRY COW MILKERS TOOK OUR TROPHY. AND IF DUKE TAKES OUR TROPHY, THAT’S EVEN WORSER. THEM DUKE PUKE RICH BOY TRUST FUND BRATS CAN’T WIN ANOTHER ONE OR ELSE COACH RATFACE SHIT-SHETSKI IS GONNA MAKE COACH CAL LOOK LIKE A AMATUER. AINT NOTHING GOOD CAN COME OUTTA THIS CHAMPERCHIPS GAME TONIGHT.

ASHLEY JUGGS IS BACK ON THE TWITTER MACHINE WITH PITCHERS OF HER TRYIN TO ACT HAPPY BUT I KNOW SHE IS DEE-PRESSED LIKE ME AND ALL MY WILDCAT BUDDIES. WE IS THE CATS. WE IS POSED TO WIN IT ALL AND THEN TALK TRASH TO THE REST OF AMERICA ALL YEAR LONG. ASHLEY JUGGS IS PLAYIN HER LITTLE PICCOLO SAD SONGS, TOO. I HEAR TELL DICK VITALE TRIED TO KISS ASHLEY JUGGS ON THE MOUTH AFTER THE GAME AND THIS TIME SHE KNEED HIM IN THE NADS. IT’S ALL GONE WRONG IN WILDCAT COUNTRY, LARRY. THEM REFFERMARIES WOULDN’T REVERSE THAT SHOT CLOCK CALL THEY MESSED UP. BUT WHEN TREY LYLES SMACKED THAT WESS-CONSIN GUY IN THE MOUTH IT WAS JUST A ACCIDENT SO THAT WAS A GOOD NO-CALL.

THE REAL REASON WE LOST IS BECAUSE SOME OF THOSE D-BAG LOSERS IN THE ARENA WAS CHEERING FOR WESS-CONSIN INSTEAD OF EVERBODY BEIN FOR THE CATS. IT JUST DON’T MAKE NO SENSE TO ME THAT OTHER SCHOOLS HAVE FANS. HOW COME EVERBODY AINT A WILDCAT FAN? IT BOTHERS OUR WILDCAT PLAYERS WHEN SOME OF THE PEOPLE IN THE ARENA CHEER FOR THE OTHER TEAM. THAT’S GOTTA STOP OR ELSE WE AINT GONNA DOMMERATE NO MORE. AND THE WORST THING IS THAT THE LAST NATIONAL TITLE WON BY OUR STATE WAS LOSERVILLE TWO YEARS AGO. TELL GOVERNOR BUSHEAR TO PASS A LAW RIGHT NOW THAT SAYS KENTUCKY TAX MONEY SHOULD BE USED TO BUY UP ALL THE TICKETS TO THE FINAL FOUR SO WHEN THE CATS GIT THERE IT WILL BE JUST LIKE PLAYING IN RUMP ARENER. AND IF THE GOV WON’T DO IT, F THAT N. (cry) FARDY & NO. (cry) FARDY & NO. (cry harder) FARDY & NOOOOOOOOO!

THE BEASMAN #2 riots and hall of fame
LARRY MINNER, TELL ME IT WAS A BAD DREAM. CAINT BE NO PERFECTION REJECTION. WE IS BIG BLUE. THAT’S OUR TROPHY! SO WE LOSTED THE GAME AND THEY ANNOUNCED COACH CAL WAS GOIN INTO THE HALL OF FAME BUT THE WESS-CONSIN COACH WEREN’T GITTIN IN? I HEAR TELL THE WESS-CONSIN FANS WAS PICKIN FIGHTS WITH OUR GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS OUTSIDE THE STADIUM. WE JUST WANTED TO GO OUT THERE AND PLAY OUR BANJO MUSIC TO CHEER UP BUT THEM WESS-CONSIN REDNECKS STARTED TO FIGHT. WE AINT POSED TO BE MOCKED AND BULLIED.

WE IS THE CATS. THAT TROPHY POSED TO BE OURS. EVERBODY ELSE WAS PLAYIN FOR SECOND, MEMBER? US CAT FANS DON’T CARE ABOUT NO HALL OF FAME. WE WANT CHAMPERCHIPS AND WESS-CONSIN STOLE OURS. WHAT ABOUT THAT CAT FAN WHO DONE GOT HIS LEG TATTOOED WITH THE 2015 CHAMPERCHIP LOGO? IS HE POSED TO CUT HIS LEG OFF?

THIS IS ALL TOO MUCH FOR MY HEAD, LARRY MINNER. (cry) I’M STILL CRYIN IN BED FOR TWO DAYS NOW. I DONE GOBBLED DOWN A BOTTLE OF DEE-PRESSION MEDDERCATION SO I CAN COPE WITH THE SADNESS OF FARDY & NO. (cry) FARDY & NO. (cry harder) FARDY & NOOOOOOO! (wail) AINT NO HUNDRED DOLLAR HANDSHAKES CAN FIX WHAT’S BEEN DID? CATS LOST AND U OF SMELL FANS IS WALKIN AROUND SMIRKIN AND MAKIN FUN OF U UH KAY FANS. WE IS HAVIN TO ACT LIKE WE IS PROUD OF GOIN 38 AND 1 BUT THE HATERS, THE MEDIA, AND CHARLES BARKLEY KNOW WE IS LYIN. WE IS REALLY DYIN INSIDE, LARRY MINNER. U OF SMELLERS IS WEARING 38 & ONE SHIRTS AND SAYIN THEY IS BRINGIN PICCOLO GIRL TO PLAY AT TONIGHT’S LEXINUN RIOT. YOU SUCK, LOSERVILLE. QUIT LAUGHING AT OUR PAIN.

AND PAT FORDE DONE SAID THAT SUCCEED AND PROCEED HAS BEEN CHANGED TO DEE-FEAT AND DEE-PART. I CAN HEAR YOU SMIRKIN, LARRY MINNER. STOP SMIRKIN BEFORE TREY LYLES SMACKS YOU UPSIDE YOUR BALD HEAD. OUR GOOD CLASSY WILDCAT PLAYERS AINT REALLY LEAVIN, PLUS WE STILL GOT THE #1 RECRUITIN CLASS FOR NEXT YEAR. (cry) BUT THAT DON’T MEAN DIDDLY IN THE FINAL FOUR. THEM ARROGANT WESS-CONSIN WHITE BOY DAIRY COW MILKIN, CHEESE WHEEL ROLLIN, BEER BREATH, FRANK THE SKANK, DEKKER D-BAG, BADGER FRAUDS HAD THE AUDACERATION TO SCORE MORE POINTS THAN THE GOOD AND CLASSY #1 SEED KENTUCKY WILDCATS. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? WE HAD ALL THE MAC-DONALD ALL-AMERICANS AND THEY HAD NONE.

COACH CAL WAS POSED TO TAKE THE GREATEST TALENT EVER ASSEMBLED TO STEAMROLL OVER EVERBODY IN OUR PATH, BUT THEM PASTY WHITE BOYS FROM WESS-CONSIN OUTREBOUNDED OUR GIANTS, THEY OUTSHOT US, AND THEY DIDN’T BUCKLE UNDER THE PRESSURE LIKE EVERBODY ELSE. BIG BLUE POSED TO WIN THE NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIP SO WE CAN BE IN YOUR FACE ALL YEAR TELLING YOU THAT YOU IS GAY, AND YOU IS N.I.T. NOBODIES, AND THAT YOU IS WILDCAT WANNABES.

OUR SLOGAN POSED TO BE “WE DON’T REBUILD, WE JUST RELOAD.” WELL DADGUMMIT, COACH CAL KEEPS RELOADING BUT HE’S SHOOTING BLANKS WHEN WE GIT TO THE FINAL FOUR. THEM 38 VICTREES IN A ROW DON’T MEAN DIDDLY SQUAT IF WE DON’T WIN. WE CAINT TEASE LOSERVILLE BECAUSE U OF SMELL IS THE LAST TEAM IN THE STATE TO WIN IT ALL.

TELL COACH CAL TO EITHER WIN IT ALL OR MOVE TO CLEVELAND TO COACH LEE-BRON JAMES. U UH KAY WILL KEEP GITTIN ALL THE MAC-DONALD ALL-AMERICANS CUZ THEY WANT TO BE AT U UH KAY. THE COACH DON’T MATTER. MATTER OF FACT, DON’T HAVE A COACH. JUST LET EM RUN UP AND DOWN ON THEIR OWN AND SUBSTERTUTE WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE IT. THE PLAYERS KNOW HOW TO WIN. COACH CAL SCREWED THE POOCH IN THEM LAST FEW MINUTES OF THE WESS-CONSIN GAME BY NOT THROWIN IT DOWN LOW TO KARL ANTHONY TOWNS. HE WAS HAVIN HIS WAY WITH THEM WESS-CONSIN DAIRY COW MILKIN NOBODIES. BUT NAW. COACH CAL WAS TOO BUSY CHECKIN HIS TEXT MESSAGES TO SEE IF THE HALL OF FAME CALLED YET. THAT’S WHY THE GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT FANS WAS RIOTIN IN THE STREETS, BURNIN COUCHES AND TURNIN OVER CARS. THEY IS SICK OF COACH CAL PROMISIN FARDY & OH AND NOT DELIVERIN.

DADGUMMIT, IF DUKE WINS IT ALL TONIGHT YOU REALLY GONNA SEE SOME RIOTIN IN THE STREETS OF LEXINUN, STARTIN RIGHT IN FRONT OF COACH CAL’S HOUSE. ASHLEY JUGGS DONE TOOK A AX TO COACH CAL’S CAR WHILE HIS DRIVER DRAKE WAS STILL IN IT. IF DUKE WINS, THAT CAR GONNA GIT DROVE OFF THE TOP OF RUMP ARENA. START WINNIN TITLES OR GIT OUTTA TOWN, COACH CAL. WE IS STARTIN TO WONDER IF YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS BILLY CLYDE. FARDY & NO MEANS YOU GOTTA GO!