THE BEASMAN cats lose
(cry) I WOULDN’T A-SHOOK THEIR HANDS, NEITHER. BUNCH OF STREET THUG, SCRAPPING, LYIN, CHEATING, BRASS KNUCKLE, CAT O NINE TAILS, BASEBAW BAT SWINGING, PUNK, HIPPIE, SNOWFLAKE, M.M.A., FACE KICKIN, NOBODY, KANSAS WHEAT FIELD TRASH.

(cry) I AIN’T SLEPT A DADGUM WINK, LARRY MINNER. THIS CAINT BE REAL. (cry)

WE IS THE CATS! AIN’T NOBODY POSED TO PUSH US AROUND AND DO ALL THAT BALL SLAPPIN, REACH-IN, SHAWNEE PARK DIRT BOWL, RUMBLIN’, GUN TOTIN, DRIVE-BY SHOOTIN, NECK TATTOO, 8-ON-5, GANG BANG, BRAWLER BALLIN AGAINST THE GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCATS! WHO DO THEY THINK THEY IS, SOME PRISON PLAYGROUND TEAM?

(cry) THEM REFFERMARIES WAS LETTIN THEM KANSAS STATE THUGS CLAW AWAY AT OUR HANDSOME, GOD-FEARIN, MAMA-LOVIN, PURDY, GRACEFUL, HIGH-STEPPIN, SMOOTH SAILIN, WORLD CLASS KENTUCKY WILDCATS!

I KNOW THEY CALLED 30 FOULS ON THEM BUT THEY SHOULDA CALLED A HUNDERD THIRTY FOULS ON ‘EM…IN THE FIRST HALF! (cry) AND NOW IT’S ALL OVER. I BET CBS IS GONNA CANCEL THE REST OF THE TOURNEYMINT CUZ AIN’T NOBODY GONNA WATCH WITHOUT NO KENTUCKY WILDCATS PLAYIN IN IT. MARCH MADNESS IS NOW LESS POP-A-LAR THAN WATCHING PING PONG ON EXPN AT 3 O’CLOCK IN THE MARNIN. RATINGS GO IN THE TARLIT.

CAT FANS IS ALL DRIVIN HOME FROM CATLANTA ON FLOODED HIGHWAYS FILLED WITH TEARS OF CAT FANS ROLLIN OUT OF THE PICKUP TRUCKS AND RUSTY R.V.s. (cry) WHO WANTS TO LIVE IN A WORLD LIKE ISS? COACH CAL IS A FAILURE AGAIN.

HE GITS THE #1 RECRUITIN CLASS YEAR AFTER YEAR AND ALL WE DO IS FIZZLE OUT COME MARCH MADNESS! COACH CAL SHOULDA HAD 9 CHAMPERCHIPS BY NOW, BUT ALL HE GOT IS A MEASLY ONE AND THE F.B.I. IS MAKIN THAT ONE LOOK SHAKY. (cry)

I GUESS COACH CAL IS THE LINDSEY VONN OF COACHES. HE LOOKS GOOD COMIN OUT THERE BUT THEN HE WINDS UP SNAPPIN HIS LEG LIKE A PRETZEL ONCE THE GAME GITS STARTED. HE DON’T KNOW HOW TO COACH! THAT MUST BE WHY HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – TO ASK GOD TO TEACH HIM HOW TO COACH.

AND NOW YOU KNOW GOD IS GONNA SEE TO IT THAT SMART ALECK OLD NUN IS GONNA WIN IT ALL. I SEEN HER ON THERE GRINNIN ALL NIGHT WHILE U UH KAY WAS LOSIN. HER ONLY JOB IS TO PRAY ALL DAY SO NATURALLY GOD GONNA BUTTER HER BISCUIT MORE THAN COACH CAL. THEY TELL ME HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY BUT I HEARD HE SLEEPS THROUGH MOST OF IT. WELL NOW ALL US CAT FANS AIN’T GONNA SLEEP NO MORE TIL NEXT SEASON GITS HERE AND WE GIT TRICKED BY COACH CAL’S FOOL’S GOLD ONE MORE TIME. (cry) I KNOWED IT WAS A BAD SIGN WHEN RICHIE FARMER GOT ARRESTED ON U UH KAY’S GAME DAY.

THEN ASHLEY JUGGS SHOWED UP AND BROUGHT HER BAD MOJO. SHE AIN’T HAD A HIT MOVIE SINCE THAT SHARK ATE HER RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING OF “JAWS.” WE GOT TO CHANGE IT ALL UP, CAT FANS. LET’S GIT RID OF COACH CAL, HIRE KINNY SKY WALKER, GIT RID OF THEM DUMB CHECKERBOARD UNI-FARMS, AND WHEN THESE SHOE COMPANIES GIVE OUR PLAYERS’ FAMILIES A HUNDERD THOUSAND, MAKE ‘EM SIGN A CONTRACT TO PLAY AT LEAST THREE YEARS FOR THE CATS….AT A HUNDERD THOUSAND A YEAR, OF COURSE! (cry)

AND DADGUMMIT, DON’T TAKE NO TIME OFF. GIT OUT THERE AND TAKE A HUNDERD THOUSAND PRACTICE FREE THROWS, YOU BUNCH OF NITWITS! (cry)