THE BEASMAN January 19. 2017

I BEEN SICK TO MY STOMACH ALL DAY LISSENIN’ TO COACH CAL’S PRODCAST TAWKIN TO THAT LOWDOWN U OF SMELL TRAITOR TURNCOAT SLICK RICK. HERE I WAS ALL BUCITED THAT COACH CAL WAS FINALLY GONNA GIT ON THE PRODCAST RADIO STATION AND RIP A NEW ONE INTO THAT NO COUNT U OF SMELL COACH BUT NAWWWWW….THEY WAS TAWKIN ALL SWEETY-PIE TO EACH OTHER. “YOU IS SO GREAT.” “THANK YOU, AND YOU IS SO GREAT, TOO.” BARF!

I TUNED IN HOPIN IT WAS GONNA BE COACH CAL LAUGHIN AT SLICK RICK’S BALD SPOT AND HOW U UH KAY DOMMERATES THEM LITTLE BROTHER CARDINAL CRYBABIES ALMOST EVER TIME! AND COACH CAL DINT EVEN TAUNT SLICK RICK FOR THE STRIPPER SCANDAL. ALL HE SAID IS HOW TOUGH IT IS TO KNOW WHAT ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE ON YOUR STAFF AND YOUR PLAYERS IS UP TO SO HE WAS HELPIN’ SLICK RICK’S DEE-FENSE TO THE NC2A THAT HE DINT KNOW NOTHIN. WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS A-GOIN ON HERE?

THE COACH OF THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS DONE SAID LAST SUMMER THAT COACHES KNOW WHAT GOES ON ON THEIR CAMPUSES BUT ON THE PRODCAST COACH CAL BACKED UP SLICK RICK SAYIN COACHES CAINT POSSIBLY KNOW EVERTHANG. LARRY, I THINK SLICK RICK DUMPED YOU AND NOW HIM AND COACH CAL IS BOYFRIENDS! THIS HERE IS CRAZY TAWK!

COACH CAL COULDA THROWED SLICK RICK IN THE GREASE AND MOCKED HIM AND IT WOULDA BEEN NATIONAL NEWS JUST LIKE WHEN DONALD TRUMP GOES AFTER ENEMIES ON TWITTER. BUT THIS PRODCAST IS A LOVEFEST! THEY SOUNDED LIKE A COUPLE OF MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRLS CALLIN EACH OTHER B.F.F.s. WHAT IS COACH CAL AND SLICK RICK GONNA DO NEXT, EXCHANGE FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS OR GET MATCHING TATTOOS?

ME AND ALL MY WILDCAT BUDDIES LIKE IT WHEN THE U UH KAY COACH MOCKS U OF SMELL LIKE WHEN EDDIE SUTTON CALLED ‘EM LITTLE BROTHER OR WHEN BILLY GLISPEE THROWED A VODKA BOTTLE AT DENNY CRUMMY. ALL THIS “I LOVE YOU – WELL, I LOVE YOU MORE” STUFF GOT TO GO. COACH CAL SAID HE WANTS TO BEAT U OF SMELL’S BRAINS IN NEXT YEAR BUT OTHERWISE HE WISHED ‘EM WELL AND SAID THEY PROBLEE GONNA BE FINAL FOUR. WHAT KIND OF CRAZY TAWK IS THIS? CAT FANS DON’T WANT THEIR COACH SAYIN THAT! WE WANT COACH CAL TO SAY HE HOPES LOSERVILLE GOES TO THE N.I.T. AND GITS WHOOPED IN THE FIRST ROUND BY ROBERT MORRIS. AND THEN THE NC2A HANDS DOWN ITS RULIN’ GIVIN U OF SMELL A PERMANENT DEATH PENALTY AND THAT SLICK RICK SHOULD DO 20 YEARS HARD LABOR IN THE NC2A PENITENTIARY IN INJINAPLISS.

AND COACH CAL SHOULD FOLLOW UP WITH THAT HE HOPES THE CITY OF LOSERVILLE GITS ATTACKED BY TORNADOES, FLOODWATERS, AND KILLER BEES AND THEIR NEW BRIDGES FALL DOWN AND THE YUM YUM CHICKEN BUCKET FORECLOSURE ARENER GETS REPOSSESSED AND THAT ALL CARDINAL FANS DIE PENNILESS AND INSANE. THAT’S WHAT I WOULDA SAID TO SLICK RICK ON THE PRODCAST, BUT NAWWWW, THEY TAWKED LIKE LOVESICK SCHOOL GIRLS. WHO’S COACH CAL GONNA TAWK SWEET TAWK WITH NEXT WEEK, SATAN? “OH HI, SATAN. I DON’T THINK YOU IS SUCH A BAD GUY CUZ I LIKE DEVIL’S FOOD CAKE.”

I’M SO SICK AND TIRED OF COACH CAL TRYIN TO BE A EMPTY-HEADED RADIO MORON LIKE YOU LARRY MINNER THAT HE AIN’T SPENDIN ENOUGH TIME COACHING OUR WILDCATS ON HOW TO HIT FREE THROWS. PUT DOWN THE PRODCAST MIKE-ER-PHONE, CAL, AND GIT YOUR MIND BACK WHERE IT BLONGS: COACHING THE CATS AND TRASH-TAWKIN LOSERVILLE. IF YOU WANT US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS TO LISTEN TO THE NEXT PRODCAST THEN INNERVIEW SOME OF THEM LOSERVILLE PROSTERTUTES WHAT’S GOT EM CLOSE TO THE DEATH PENALTY! THAT WOULD BE WORTH LISSENIN TO!

GO CATS! GO BLUE! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARD….OH WAIT….THIRTY EIGHT & TWO! THIRTY EIGHT & TWO! THIRTY EIGHT & TWO! YOU’RE GAY, LARRY. AND I’M STARTIN TO THINK COACH CAL IS TOO…HE’S JUST ANOTHER KNOW-NOTHIN WITH A MIKE-ER-PHONE AND A CRUSH ON SLICK RICK! NO CRYIN ON THE YACHT! NO CRYIN ON THE YACHT! IF SUCCESS IS A CHOICE, HOW COME NEITHER ONE OF THEM I-TALIAN CARPET BAGGERS AIN’T CHOOSIN TO WIN IT ALL EVER YEAR?