THE BEASMAN it’s over
(weep) IT CAINT BE REE-REE-REAL, CAT FANS! (weep) IT JUST C-C-C-C-CAINT. THE CATS DONE GOT SKEERED AND FOLDED LIKE A TENT TO THEM F.B.I. CHEATIN, SWEATY BRUCE PEARL AUBURN TIGER NOBODIES. WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS A-GOIN ON ROUND HERE? COACH CAL SUCKS! (weep) I AINT SLEPT A WINK, LARRY MINNER, CUZ I KNOW YOU AND ALL THEM CROSS-EYED, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, FACE TATTOO, FILTHY CARDINAL FANS IS SMIRKIN. DADGUMMIT!

WE IS IN PAIN AND ALL YOU HEARTLESS LOSERVILLE CHEATERS GOT THE CAHONES TO LAUGH AT OUR MISERY? WHAT KIND OF SICK-IN-THE-HEAD WHACK JOBS IS YOU? (weep)

I’LL CALL YOU BACK LATER. I NEED TO TAKE ANOTHER FISTFUL OF NERVE PILLS AND TRY TO NAP. SENATOR MATT JONES SAID HE’S GONNA COME OVER AND WATCH MY VCR OF THE TWO THOUSAND TWELVE U UH KAY NATIONAL CHAMPEENS…YOU KNOW, BACK WHEN COACH CAL KNOWED WHAT HE WAS DOIN. (weep)

call 2) (weep) I STILL AIN’T GOT OVER IT, CAT FANS. I LAYED AWAKE ALL NIGHT THINKIN ABOUT SADNESS IN BIG BLUE NATION. (weeps) LITTLE KIDS CAINT GO TO SCHOOL CUZ THEY DEE-PRESSED. MAMAS ABANDONIN THEIR BABIES TO GO CRY IN THE WOODS. DADDIES STILL SETTIN IN THE MAN CAVE STARIN AT THEIR WILDCAT DECORATED TV, HOPIN IT WAS ALL A BAD DREAM. (weep)

BUT NAW. DAN ISSEL AND KINNY SKY WALKER AND COW MACY AND GOOSE, THEY AIN’T WALKIN THRU THAT DOOR TO REPPERSENT U UH KAY. WE STUCK WITH ALL THESE FRAIDY CATS, LARRY. THAT’S THE NAME I GIVE THIS TEAM…A BUNCH OF SKEERED FRAIDY CATS.

THEY DON’T DEE-SERVE TO WEAR THE UNI-FARM CUZ THEY DON’T LOVE THE BIG BLUE ENOUGH TO LAY DOWN THEIR LIFE FOR THE CATS. (weep) REAL WILDCATS GIVE THEIR ALL. LIKE COW MACY AND GOOSE. AND JOHN WALL AND BOOGIE. AND CLIFF HAGAN BUT NOT ASHTON HAGAN. HE’S GOT HANDS OF STONE. WHERE DOES COACH CAL GIT THESE NANCY BOYS WE GOT NOWADAYS? DUKE LOST WITH ALL THEM SUPERSTARS BUT U UH KAY RECRUITS IS ALWAYS #1 SO HOW COME WE DON’T WIN?

THESE FRAIDY CATS IS A-RUNNIN ROUND LIKE CHICKENS WITH THEIR HEAD CUT OFF, DADGUMMIT. COACH CAL THINKS HE’S DIE-RECTIN’ A CLOWN CAR IN A 5 RING CIRCUS! (weep) WHATEVER HAPPENED TO DISCIPLINE? EVER SINCE THEY ALLOWED FACIAL HAIR ON U UH KAY PLAYERS WE BEEN SUCKIN. (weep) COACH CAL NEEDS TO STOP PEEIN ON CHARLES BARKLEY’S STATUE AND START SALUTIN ADOLPH RUPP’S STATUE! BRING BACK DISCIPLINE, DADGUMMIT! (weep)

AND WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT IDIOT HANGED UP A SHEET WITH A PITCHER MAKIN FUN OF THE CRIPPLED AUBURN PLAYER. THAT MADE ‘EM MAD SO THEY COME OUT THERE LIKE A NEST OF HORNETS LOOKIN TO STING A FAT BOY. (weep) I DON’T KNOW IF I’LL EVER GIT OVER THIS ONE, LARRY, CUZ WITH NO DUKE AND NO NARTH CARAMALINER AND NO GONZAGGER IN THERE, IT WAS U UH KAY’S CHAMPERCHIP FOR THE TAKIN.

Game day. Let’s dance.😼 #WeAreUK #DreamBIG #MarchMadness pic.twitter.com/NY2cmyZ7Ts

— Kentucky Athletics (@UKAthletics) March 31, 2019

AIN’T NOBODY BLEEVES THEM WHITE BOYS FROM VIRGINNY GONNA STOP NOBODY GOOD. THEY PLAY SLOW LIKE SOME GRANDMA LEAGUE. BUT COACH CAL IS TOO BUSY EATIN RUMP ARENER ICE CREAM CONES INSTEAD OF TEACHIN OUR BOYS HOW TO HIT FREE THROWS. AND HOW TO NOT BE SKEERED WHEN THE BIG LIGHTS COME ON.

TYLER HERRO DON’T DEE-SERVE THAT NAME. COACH CAL OUGHT TO MAKE HIM CHANGE HIS NAME TO TYLER ZERO TIL HE LEARNS HOW TO PLAY IN PRIME TIME. I KNOW HE HIT THAT GAME WINNER AGAINST HOUSTON BUT THAT’S OLD NEWS. HE WAS MISSIN LIKE THAT WARSHINGTON POST REPORTER FOR THE EN-TIRE AUBURN GAME. (weep) NOW WE GOTTA HEAR ABOUT THE FINAL FOUR ALL WEEK AND IT’S JUST SALT IN OUR KENTUCKY WILDCAT WOUNDS, YOU CRUEL PEOPLE ON TV. SHUT UP ABOUT THE CATS LOSING. IT’S ON EVER CHANYEL.

I WISH ELVIS WAS STILL AROUND TO SHOOT OUT THE TV SETS CUZ HE HAD THE MONEY TO BUY NEW ONES…I DON’T. SO I’M JUST GONNA STAY HERE IN MY BEDROOM FOR A COUPLE WEEKS TIL MATT JONES NEEDS ME TO STUFF ENVERLOPES FOR HIS SENATE CAMPAIGN. (weep) I CAINT STOP CRYIN. AT LEAST WHEN BRUCE PEARL CRIES WE ALL KNOW IT’S CUZ HE KNOWS THE F.B.I. IS COMIN FOR HIM AND THEY GONNA YANK DOWN HIS BOGUS FINAL FOUR BANNER JUST LIKE THEY DONE TO LOSERVILLE. (weep) SEE…I CAINT EVEN MAKE MYSELF LAUGH ABOUT THAT!

I BETTER SWALLER ANOTHER HANDFUL OF THESE NERVE PILLS AND GO BACK TO BED FOR A FEW DAYS. LARRY, IF I DON’T NEVER TAWK TO YOU NEVER AGAIN…I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I NEVER LIKED YOU. YOU SUCK, YOU CROSS-EYED, BALD-HAIRED, BENNER DICK ARNOLD, WENT-TO-KENTUCKY-BUT-THEN-STABBED-US-IN-THE-BACK TRAITOR TURNCOAT FRAUD. IF I DIE FROM SADNESS, I’M GONNA BEG SAINT PETER TO PUT OUT A WHAMMY THAT MAKES YOUR CARDINAL BIRDS SO BAD THAT THEY DON’T EVEN MAKE THE N.I.T. NEVER AGAIN. GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!