THE BEASMAN cats bowl and cards lose
GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! DOUBLE DIPPIN’ WILDCATS ON DEE-CEMBER 29, CAT FANS! TWO BIG BLUE BLOWOUTS IN ONE DAY! WE GONNA DESTROY THE CRIMINAL CARDINAL BIRDS AT 1 O’CLOCK AND THEN LATER THE STOOPS TROOPS GONNA PUT A SMACKDOWN ON ONE OF THEM DIE-RECTIONAL COLLEGES…SOMETHIN CALLED THE NARTHWESTERN. AIN’T THAT A AIRLINE?

ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS GIT TO DRIVE TO NASHVILLE FOR OUR BO GAME BUT THE DIRTY BIRDS GOT TO GIT ALL THE WAY TO FLARIDER FOR THEIRS…WHERE THEY GONNA LOSE TO ANOTHER S.E.C. SCHOOL. AND THEN BOBBY PETRINKO GONNA GIT FIRED NO MATTER IF HE WINS OR LOSES CUZ THE NEW U OF SMELL BOSSES IS PRESSURE WARSHING ALL THE SCUMBAGS OUTTA TOWN FOREVER! (laffs)

AWWWW…POOR LITTLE CARDINAL BASKETBAW BIRDS. THEY DONE LOSTED TWO IN A ROW. LITTLE BITTY SEATON HALL DONE GOT ‘EM YESTERDEE IN THE EMPTY CHICKEN BUCKET. TOO BAD, SO SAD. BUT LARRY, THEM FEW CARDINAL FANS WHO STILL GO TO YOUR GAMES CAN AT LEAST STRETCH OUT OVER FOUR OR FIVE SEATS CUZ AIN’T NOBODY ELSE IN THEIR ROW. Y’ALL OUGHT TO HANG LAUNDRY ON ALL THEM EMPTY SEATS, LITTLE BUDDY. ON TV, IT LOOKS LIKE THEY IS SHOWIN THE PREGAME SHOW CUZ AIN’T NOBODY IN THEIR SEATS.

WHERE IS THEY ALL…UP ON THE CONCOURSE TRYIN TO GIT STUB HUB TO BUY THE REST OF THEIR WORTHLESS U OF SMELL SEASON TICKETS? (laffs) TELL LITTLE BOY PADGETT TO NOT HANG NO PITCHERS ON THE WALL IN THE HEAD COACH’S OFFICE CUZ HE AIN’T KEEPIN THAT JOB. BY THE TIME U OF SMELL GITS THE NC2A DEATH PENALTY, LOSES ALL THEIR SCHOLARSHIPS, HAS THEIR RECORD BOOKS COMPLETELY WIPED OUT, AND THE ONLY TV CHANNEL Y’ALL CAN BE ON IS THE PRISON NETWORK, THE ONLY COACH Y’ALL CAN ATTRACT WILL BE A PURSE…AND A FAKE ONE AT THAT! (laffs) YOU PROBLEE DINT THINK I KNOWED WHAT A COACH PURSE IS BUT THAT’S HOW WE SNEAKED MONEY TO GIT SAM BOWIE (laffs) OOPS! DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?

DON’T MATTER NOW. COACH CAL IS IN CHARGE AND HE’S STRAIGHT UP. AIN’T NO SHERNANNER-GANS GOIN ON NO MORE AT U UH KAY NOW THAT YOUR CHEATIN BOYFRIEND LEFT THE STATE FOREVER! I LOVE IT! SLICK RICK FILES A LAWSUIT ASKIN FOR FARDY MILLION DOLLARS. HE AIN’T GOT A SNOWBALL’S CHANCE OF WINNIN A PENNY. PURDY SOON, YOUR BOYFRIEND GONNA HAVE TO COME BACK TO KENTUCKY TO LIVE IN YOUR BASEMENT CUZ HE’S BROKE FROM PAYIN OFF STRIPPERS, HIS BOOKIE, AND HIS LAWYERS. (laffs)

TELL LITTLE BOY PADGETT THAT LOSIN TO PURDUE AIN’T AS BAD AS SEATON HALL. BUT THEM CATHLICKS IS POSED TO CARE ABOUT THE POOR AND U OF SMELL IS SPIRITUALLY BANKRUPT. PADGETT BETTER NOT LOSE YOUR NEXT GAME AGAINST CUPCAKE COLLEGE CUZ U UH KAY IS COMIN UP SOON AND THAT AIN’T GONNA BE PURDY. (laffs) THEM DIRTY BIRD FEATHERS GONNA BE FLYIN ALL OVER RUMP ARENER AFTER OUR BIG BLUE SUPERSTARS SHOW Y’ALL CHEATERS HOW THE BIG BOYS PLAY. CATS BY FIDDY.

TELL THE CARDINAL BUS DRIVER TO KEEP THE ENGINE RUNNIN CUZ LITTLE BOY PADGETT AND HIS BAND OF NOBODIES GONNA WANNA RUN AWAY BY HALFTIME. DADGUMMIT, THEN Y’ALL CAN RUN DOWN TO FLORI-DER AND SAY BYE BYE TO LAY-MAR JACKSON CUZ AIN’T NO WAY HE’S COMIN BACK TO YOUR GHETTO TOWN NEVER AGAIN. SLICK RICK GONNA HAVE TO COME BACK TO GO TO COURT AND HEAR ABOUT ALL HIS SINS AGAIN. THEM LAWYERS GONNA PUT HIM ON THE STAND AND REMIND HIM ABOUT ALL HIS RESTRUNT LOVIN, STRIPPER POLE PARTIES, AND PRETENDIN LIKE HE DON’T KNOW NOTHIN ABOUT SHOE PIMP MONEY BUT A FIVE-STAR RECRUIT JUST FELL OUT OF THE SKY. OH SURE, SLICK RICK. TELL YOUR TAILOR TO MAKE YOU A PRISON SUIT.

BUT LEMME TELL ALL YOU SNAGGLE TOOTH, SAGGY PANTS, GANG BANG, HEROIN BREATH, GUN TOTIN, LIQUOR FOR BREAKFAST, NECK TATTOO, MAKIN BABIES OUTTA WEDLOCK, ATHEIST CARDINAL FRAUDS SOMETHIN. THE ONLY GUY NEVER STEPPIN FOOT IN KENTUCKY AGAIN IS LAY-MAR JACKSON. HE GONNA GO GIT NFL RICH AND TELL PEOPLE HE’S FROM FLORIDA. HE DON’T WANNA BE ASSOCIATED WITH NO U OF SMELL SCUMBAGGERY. HE ONLY SHAKES HANDS WITH HIS COACH IF HE’S WEARIN TWO SETS OF GLOVES! (laffs)