radio sketch, FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2016, 5:40 p.m.

THE BEASMAN the turnaround starts now
HAS THE WORLD GONE CRAZY? U UH KAY IS ON A LOSING STREAK AND U OF SMELL IS BUILDING THE BIGGEST FOOTBAW STADIUM IN KENTUCKY. EITHER I’M HAVING A HARRIBLE NIGHTMARE OR ELSE SOMEBODY AT U UH KAY IS ASLEEP AT THE SWITCH! WAKE UP, MITCH BARNFART! WAKE UP COACH CAL! WAKE UP, MARK STOOPID!

NOW I HEAR TELL THAT HOTSHOT WIDE RECEIVERS COACH WE JUST SNATCHED FROM U OF SMELL WAS ACTUALLY FIRED FROM LOSERVILLE CUZ HE SUCKS! AND HE DINT BRING LAMAR JACKSON WITH HIM! I THUNK THAT WAS THE WHOLE PLAN. MEMBER HOW COACH CAL HIRED MILT WAGNER BACK AT MEMPHIS JUST SO HE COULD GIT HIS SON TO PLAY FOR THEM?

YOU DON’T HIRE SOME COACH UNLESS HE’S BRINGIN A SUPERSTAR WITH HIM AND THEN AFTER THE SUPERSTAR GOES TO THE PROS YOU FIRE THE COACH. BUT NAW, LOSERVILLE JUST PUT THEIR RECYCLING OUT TO THE CURB AND US U UH KAY DUMMIES PICK IT UP AND GAVE IT A BIG RAISE AND WE DINT GIT LAMAR JACKSON WITH IT. DADGUMMIT, WE GOT BAMBOOZLED BY THEM FILTHY CARDINAL BIRDS ONE MORE TIME! AND HOW IS WE GONNA LET THE NEW GOVERNOR ALLOW THEM SNAGGLE TOOTH CARDINAL FRAUDS TO BUILD A BIGGER, BETTER STADIUM THAN U UH KAY GOT?

THAT MATT BLEVINS WOULDN’T GOT ELECTED WITHOUT THE VOTES OF ALL THE GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT FANS BUT THERE HE WAS THE OTHER NIGHT FROLICKING AROUND AT THE U OF SMELL GAME.

WE DONE GOT BAMBOOZLED AGAIN AND ELECTED A FILTHY CARDINAL LOVER AS GOVERNOR! THIS HERE IS A CRIME AGAINST NATURE…THE NATURE THAT SAYS KENTUCKY IS ALWAYS THE BIG BROTHER AND LOSERVILLE IS THE LITTLE NOBODY GHETTO THUG SCHOOL THAT LOSES.

————-BUT THEY KEEP GOIN TO BOWL GAMES AND WHOOPIN THE WILDCATS AND WE JUST SET HERE AND SAY “WAIT TIL NEXT YEAR!” NO, DADGUMMIT, NO! CALLING ALL TRUE BLUE WILDCAT FANS OF U UH KAY. THE TURNAROUND STARTS NOW! DADGUMMIT, I DON’T WANNA SOUND TOO MUCH LIKE THAT CRAZY BERNIE SANDERS, BUT US GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT FANS NEED US A REVOLUTION. RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, WE NEED TO GO IN THE STREETS AND SCREAM OUTSIDE OF COACH CAL’S MANSION THAT WE IS SICK & TIRED OF LOSIN, AND WE AIN’T GONNA TAKE IT NO MORE!

NO MORE LOSIN GAMES AND NO MORE LOSIN GROUND TO THEM FILTHY ROTTEN U OF SMELL CARDINAL BIRDS. FIRST OFF, I SAY WE DON’T PAY COACH CAL UNTIL THE CATS WIN. THEN WE GIVE HIM JUST THAT WEEK’S PAYCHECK. ANYTIME HE LOSES, WE DOCK HIM A MILLION DOLLARS. DADGUMMIT, THIS HERE IS KENTUCKY! WE DON’T LOSE TO NOBODIES LIKE TENNERSEE AND AUBURN. WHY IS WE PAYIN THIS GUY TO GIT US #1 RECRUITIN CLASSES THAT PLAY LIKE N.I.T. HAS BEENS?

DADGUMMIT, US CAT FANS LIKE TO TAWK TRASH ABOUT HOW GREAT THE CATS IS AND SO WHEN WE LOSE, THEN WE GOTTA HIDE IN THE HOUSE FOR THREE DAYS. WE IS KENTUCKY. WE IS POSED TO BE VINCIBLE. COACH CAL SAID NO CRYING ON THE YACHT, BUT DADGUMMIT, THE YACHT IS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE KENTUCKY RIVER. I SAY WE DON’T PAY MITCH BARNFART NO MORE UNTIL HE GITS NICK SABAN TO COME COACH U UH KAY. AND HE GOTTA BRING HIS WHOLE OFFENSE AND DEFENSE WITH HIM.

AND THEN LET’S FIX UP RUMP ARENER AND THE FOOTBAW STADIUM SO THEY IS BIGGER AND BETTER THAN WHAT LOSERVILLE GOTS. STEVE BESHEAR KNOWS WHERE ALL THE MONEY’S HID…AND HE’S A CAT FAN, NOT NO RED LOVIN MATT BLEVINS. AND FOR EXTRA HELP, LET’S GIT THEM GOOD KENTUCKY COAL MINE GUYS TO PAY WHATEVER MONEY IT TAKES TO GIT NICK SABAN, WITH $100 HANDSHAKES, AND POINT SHAVIN FOR GAMBLERS, AND FREE CARS AND ALL THEM OTHER THINGS THAT MADE U UH KAY GREAT BACK IN THE DAY.

THE REVOLUTION STARTS NOW, CAT FANS! FEEL THE BURN! FEEL THE BURN! WILDCAT REVOLUTION STARTS NOW! Y’ALL BRING SOME 2 BY 4s AND A COUPLE TRUCKLOADS OF AMISH PEOPLE OVER TO THE FOOTBAW STADIUM TOMORRY. DADGUMMIT, WE’LL HAVE A END ZONE BARN RAISING THAT’LL GIVE US ONE MORE SEAT THAN LOSERVILLE GOTS AND WE’LL GIT IT DONE IN A DAY. YOU’RE GAY, LARRY!