THE BEASMAN laker cats
YOU ARE A POOR EXCUSE FOR A MAN, LARRY MINNER. I AXEY-DENT-LEE TURNT ON YOUR STOOPID RADIO SHOW AND ALL YOU’S TAWKIN ABOUT IS SWIMMIN WITH DOLPHINS, BREAKDANCING, EATIN AT A PINK RESTRUNT, AND SOME 15-YEAR-OLD TENNIS GIRL NAME OF COCO. WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? A REAL MAN GOES SWIMMIN WITH SHARKS, LINE DANCES, AND THE ONLY 15-YEAR-OLD HE CARES ABOUT IS A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH! (laffs) TURN IN YOUR MAN CARD, YOU PENCIL NECK, PINHEAD!

(laffs) WHERE YOU BEEN, YOU BALD HAIRED FRAUD? IS YOU AND SLICK RICK SPENDING THE SUMMER UP ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN AGAIN? (laffs) “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO QUIT YOU, SLICK!” (laffs) I CAINT BLEEVE WH&S DINT HAVE SENATOR MATT JONES FILL IN FOR YOU WHILE YOU WAS GONE, LARRY! THEY HAD THEM LOUDMOUTH REDNECKS DWIGHT AND TONY VESPUCCI WORKIN INSTEAD OF YOU SO IT STILL SUCKED LIKE IT ALWAYS DOES. MATT JONES IS Y’ALLS ONLY GOOD RADIO DEEJAY, SO PUT HIM ON MORE, YOU CROSS-EYED, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, NECK TATTOO, STINKBREATH U OF SMELL CARDINAL FRAUD! (laffs)

I CAINT WAIT TIL MATT JONES WHOOPS SNITCH MCCONNELL AND SENDS THAT LOSERVILLE TURTLE MAN BACK TO THE SWAMPS. KENTUCKY NEEDS MATT JONES TO BE OUR SENNER-TUR CUZ HE’LL GIT UP THERE IN WARSHINUN AND TAWK UP THE CATS! GO MATT JONES! GO MATT JONES! U-NITER STATES SENNER-TUR! MATTY BANGS SAID HIS FIRST OFFICIAL ACTION WOULD BE TO PASS A LAW DEE-CLARIN THAT U UH KAY ALWAYS GIT A #1 SEED RIGHT HERE IN OUR REGION. AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

THEN SENNER-TUR MATT JONES PROMISES TO PASS A LAW CHANGING THE NAME OF 1400 PENNSURVANIA AVENUE TO THE “BLUE & WHITE HOUSE!” AND THEY WOULD HANG A GIANT U UH KAY FLAG UP THERE ON THE FRONT PORCH SO THE WORLD WOULD SEE AMERICA’S TRUE TEAM IS THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS, NOT NO GIRL SOCCER NONSENSE! ALL THEM SOCCER GIRLS DO IS RUN AROUND A COW PASTURE FOR 3 HOURS AND SCORE TWO TIMES. BOOOOOOOORRRRRRR-INNNNNNNGGGGG!

NOW THAT LADY SOCCER MATCH IN THE WORLD CUP WAS STILL GOOD FOR MURICA TO SHOW EVERBODY ELSE THAT THEY SUCK. AND OUR USA GUY MEGAN WITH THE PURPLE HAIR WAS PURDY GOOD BUT I BETCHA HE COULDN’T PLAY FOR COACH CAL. NAW, COACH CAL DON’T WANT NO ‘MURICA-HATIN PURPLE HAIR REBEL PLAYIN FOR THE CATS CUZ WE DON’T ACT LIKE THAT.

OUR PLAYERS STAND FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AND DON’T CUSS ON TV LIKE THAT PURPLE HAIR GUY. KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS GOOD AND CLASSY, NOT LIKE KAPER-NECK OR ANY OF THEM U OF SMELL CARDINAL CONVICTS. WILDCATS IS ALL-AMERICANS EVER YEAR! LARRY, I THOUGHT IT WAS SAD WHEN YOUR MAYOR HAD TO SHUT DOWN THE LOCAL PRISON BECAUSE OF BUDGET CUTS BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE U OF SMELL COACHES DID ALL THEIR BEST RECRUITING. (laffs)

YOU CAN LAUGH AT MY FUNNY COMEDY JOKES ANYTIME YOU WANT, LARRY. (laffs) ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS IS NOW LOST ANGELES LAKERS FANS CUZ THEY GOT THE UNIBROW, BOOGIE, AND RONDO. AND LEE-BRON JAMES IS COACH CAL’S OTHER SON SO IT’S LIKE HE’S BIG BLUE, TOO. THE LAKERS BEEN SUCKIN SO THEY CHASED AWAY MAGIC JERKSON AND THE NEW MANAGEMENT DEE-CIDED TO GO WITH THE BLUE GITS IN STRATEGY. THEY GONNA WIN IT ALL NOW! SO YOU CARDINAL BIRDS ENJOY YOUR LITTLE BASEBAW SUCCESS AND I THINK SOFTBAW, TOO, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO THE BIGTIME SPARTS OF FOOTBAW, BASKETBAW, AND BEIN #1 FOR PAYIN YOUR BASKETBAW COACH FOR HARDLY NEVER MAKING THE FINAL FOUR, KENTUCKY DOMMER-ATES! AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!