THE BEASMAN uk loses again air date 12/21/15
I WISH DONALD TRUMP WOULD BAN BALD HAIRED LIARS LIKE YOU FROM BEIN IN AMERICA. YOU MAKE ME SICK, YOU SLICK RICK BUTTKISSIN TRAITOR TURNCOAT TERRORIST. YOU WENT TO U UH KAY BUT YOU IS ON THE RADIO SAYIN YOU IS PULLIN FOR U OF SMELL THIS SAIRDEE. THAT’S LIKE CHEERIN FOR ISIS.

IS YOU SICK IN THE HEAD OR JUST STUPID? YOU IS LYIN ABOUT LOVIN U OF SMELL BECAUSE YOU IS JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK HAPPY. EVEN HE IS A SECRET WILDCAT FAN, LARRY. YOU AIN’T FOOLIN NOBODY. ALL GOOD KENTUCKIANS IS FOR THE CATS BECAUSE WE IS THE GOLD STANDARD. U UH KAY IS THE ROMAN EMPIRE OF COLLEGE BASKETBAW.

LOSERVILLE IS JUST LITTLE BROTHER FRAUD WILDCAT WANNABES. BIG BLUE NATION IS FULL OF SMART, FIT, WELL-SPOKEN FANS BUT ALL THE U OF SMELL FANS IS TOOTHLESS, BRAINLESS, ALCOHOLIC, FOULMOUTH, HERPES-GIVIN, SISTER-KISSIN, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, JEWELRY THIEF, MISSPELLED TATTOO LOSERS. WHO WOULD WANNA BE A PART OF THAT? YOU LEFT BIG BLUE HEAVEN AND WENT DOWN TO RED DEVIL HADES IN LOSERVILLE. GOOD CHOICE, LARRY. NO WONDER YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS CHANGED THEIR NAME TO SOMETHING DIFFERNT THAN MINNER. I TELL YOU WHAT, LARRY, YOU BETTER NOT BE COMIN IN RUMP ARENER WEARIN A UGLY RED SWEATER OR US CAT FANS GONNA SPRAY PAINT YOU BLUE AND THROW YOU IN THE DUMPSTER.

WE DON’T TAKE KIND TO NO REFUGEE LOSERVILLE BUMS COMIN IN HERE TRYIN TO USE FOOD STAMPS AT THE RUMP ARENER CONCESSION STANDS. Y’ALL RED SWEATER WEARIN, STRIPPER POLE SWINGIN, PROSTERTUTE HIRIN, SOMBRERO WEARIN, AFFIRMATIVE ACTION, EMBEZZLIN CARDINAL CRIMINALS SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO COME TO LEXINUN CUZ Y’ALL IS JUST LIKE THEM SHADY MUSLIM REFUGEES. YOU GOT BAD INTENTIONS AND YOU IS A BUNCH OF BUMS WANTIN US GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS TO PAY YOUR WAY. JUST LIKE TRUMP SAYS: DON’T COME HERE.

AIN’T NOBODY WANTS TO BE AROUND YOU. WE WOULD RATHER RUN NUKE-U-LUR WASTE THROUGH OUR WATER PIPES THAN HAVE FILTHY CARDINAL FANS SLEAZING UP OUR TOWN. SO DON’T COME HERE THIS WEEK. CUZ WE AIN’T IN NO MOOD FOR JOSHIN. OUR PRECIOUS KENTUCKY WILDCATS LOSTED AGAINST O-HI-ER STATE CUZ WE WAS THINKIN AHEAD TO SEEING ALL THEM DELICIOUS CARDINAL TEARS WHEN WE BEAT Y’ALL. BUT RIGHT NOW ALL US GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS AIN’T SHOOTIN OFF OUR MOUTHS LIKE WE USUALLY DO. TRUTH IS WE’S A LITTLE NERVOUS THAT MAYBE COACH CAL IS A FRAUD AND DON’T KNOW HOW TO COACH IN THE BIG GAMES.

I MEAN, WE GO TO NEW YARK TO BE ON NATIONAL TEEVEE AND O-HI-ER STATE STOMPS US. SAME THING WITH U.C.L.A. AND DON’T GIT ME STARTED ON THAT WESS-CONSIN GAME LASS SEASON. SO DURING LOSERVILLE HATE WEEK, ALL US GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS IS HALFWAY WORRIED THAT U OF SMELL MIGHT GIT LUCKY AND RUIN OUR BIG BLUE HOLLER-DAY SEASON. SO JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME, LARRY, OR I’M LIABLE TO SMACK YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH A SHOVEL AND TELL THE COPS I WAS TRYIN TO SQUASH A BED BUG ON YOUR NOSE.

YOU IS THE #1 CARDINAL BUTTHOLE THAT NO GOOD CAT FAN WANTS TO HEAR. TRAITORS LIKE YOU USED TO GET THE FIRING SQUAD BUT NOWADAYS WE GOTTA ACT TOLERANT FOR YOU ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE TRAITOR TURNCOAT GAY BOYS. WELL IF YOU COME TO RUMP ARENER WEARING A UGLY CARDINAL SWEATER THEN DON’T BE SPRISED IF YOUR SEAT IS SUDDENLY UNBOLTED AND GONE, LEAVIN JUST THE HOLDING POST SETTIN THERE. BUT YOU PROBABLY WOULD ENJOY SETTIN ON THAT, WOULDN’T YOU? CATS GONNA BEAT THEM FILTHY BIRDS, DADGUMMIT. C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! GO BIG BLUE! THIRTY EIGHT AND TWO! GO BIG BLUE! THIRTY EIGHT AND TWO! GO BIG BLUE! THIRTY EIGHT AND TWO!

THE BEASMAN Christmas wish air date 12/23/15
WELL CAT FANS, IT’S CHRISTMAS BUT IT AIN’T REALLY CHRISTMAS CUZ WE GOT TO WORRY ABOUT LOSIN TO THEM CONVICT CARDINALS. THIS AIN’T NO HOLLY JOLLY NOTHIN. THIS AIN’T NO WALKIN IN THE WINTER WONDERLAND. THIS HERE IS MORE LIKE HALLER-WEEN, DADGUMMIT. USUALLY US WILDCATS PUT A BEATDOWN ON LITTLE BROTHER BUT COACH CAL’S WILDCATS TEAM IS LOOKIN A LITTLE WOBBLY.

———————-U UH KAY IS FAVORED AND WE IS PLAYIN AT HOME SO ALL THE PRESSURE IS ON US TO WIN. U OF SMELL GOT NO PRESSURE ON THEM. I KNOW THAT ONE TALL LOSERVILLE GUY MINGO MATTHEWS IS OUT BUT THEY GOT SOMETHIN U UH KAY FANS AIN’T USED TO…THEY IS CALLED FIFTH YEAR SENIORS. DADGUMMIT, U UH KAY AIN’T HAD A LEGIT SENIOR SINCE COW MACY BACK AROUND THE CIVIL WAR. LOSERVILLE IS MOVIN UP AND U UH KAY IS MOVIN DOWN IN THE PO. THAT MEANS IT’S TIME FOR ALL US GOOD, CLASSY BIG BLUE NATION PEOPLE TO LOOK UP TO THE LARD AND TELL HIM MERRY CRIMMUS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AND PEACE BE WITH YOU, AND GOODWILL TOWARD MEN…BUT ALSO, US CAT FANS GOT TO TELL THE LARD TO SMITE U OF SMELL.

—————-I MEAN, US GOOD AND CLASSY CHRISTIAN CAT FANS DO WHAT WE IS POSED TO DO…WE OBEY THE 10 COMMANDMENTS (CEPT FOR THE ONE WHERE WE FALSE IDOL WORSHIP JOHN CALIPARI), BUT WE DON’T HIRE STRIPPERS AND WHORES LIKE U OF SMELL. SO GIT ON YOUR KNEES, CAT FANS, AND TELL THE LARD THAT HE NEEDS TO MAKE SURE THAT U UH KAY BEATS THEM DEVILS FROM GHETTOTOWN BECAUSE GOOD IS POSED TO OVERCOME EVIL. IT’S IN THE BIBLE.

AND BESIDES, U OF SMELL USED UP ALL OF IT’S PRAYERS IN OCTOBER WHEN THEIR PRESIDENT HAD TO PRAY ABOUT WEARING A SOMBRERO TO MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE WHO WORK AT MEXICAN RESTRUNTS. SO U UH KAY DONE SAVED UP IT’S PRAYERS FOR THIS WEEK. SO ALL YOU CAT FANS GO TO CHURCH THIS CHRISTMAS, AND DON’T JUST STAND IN THE BACK READING FACEBOOK ON YOUR PHONE. GIT UP THERE IN THE FRONT PEWS AND PRAY REAL HARD ABOUT THE CATS.

——————-TELL GOD, SAY (slowly) “GOD. THIS HERE IS A HUMBLE WILDCAT FAN. I KNOW I CUSSED YOU A COUPLE YEARS AGO WHEN YOU LET LOSERVILLE WIN IT ALL AND THEN I CUSSED YOU AGAIN LAST MARCH MADNESS WHEN YOU LET THEM WESS-CONSIN FARM BOYS BEAT THE CATS. BUT NOW I HAVE ACCEPTED THAT WE AIN’T GOIN FARDY AND OH BECAUSE THAT IS PERFECTION, AND ONLY YOU IS WORTHY OF PERFECTION, LORD. NOW THAT YOU LUMPED US ON THE HEAD BY LOSING TO U.C.L.A. AND O-HI-ER STATE, US CAT FANS IS HUMBLED AND DOWN ON OUR KNEES, BEGGING FOR ONE LAST FAVOR.

PLEASE LET U UH KAY BEAT THEM FILTHY U OF SMELL SAGGY PANTS, DOPE SMOKIN, G.E.D. FLUNKIN, PROSTERTUTE HIRING, MISSPELLED TATTOO, TOOTHLESS, BRAINLESS, STINKBREATH, GRAMPA PUNCHIN, CARJACKIN, BANK ROBBIN, GOD-HATIN CARDINALS. AMEN.” I BETCHA GOD GONNA HEAR THOUSANDS OF GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS SAYIN THAT PRAYER AND THEN HE GONNA WAVE HIS MAGIC HANDS OVER THE U UH KAY BENCH AND WE GONNA BE JUMPIN, THUMPIN, AND PUMPIN THEM POINTY CARDINAL HEADS AND CRUSHIN EM LIKE A BUG.

AND THEN ME AND MATT JONES GONNA GO OUT IN THE PARKING LOT AND ROCK THEIR TEAM BUS TILL IT TUMPS OVER. THANK YOU, GOD. IF YOU LET THE WILDCATS WIN THIS GAME, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL QUIT PUTTING RUBBER CHECKS IN THE COLLECTION BASKET. GO CATS! C-A-T-S! CATS! CATS! CATS! GO BLUE! THIRTY EIGHT & TWO! GO BLUE! THIRTY EIGHT & TWO! GO BLUE! THIRTY EIGHT & TWO!