THE BEASMAN uk loses to Utah
(cry) CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED. (long cry) AIN’T NO T-T-T-TRUE BLUE K-K-K-KENTUCKY FAN WANNA CELLER-MA-BRATE THE BIRTH OF J-J-J-J-J-JESUS CUZ HE IGNORED OUR WILDCAT P-P-P-PRAYERS LAST NIGHT. (long cry) THE BIG B-B-B-B-BLUE IS NOW BEIN CALLED CAL’S QUITTERS. (long cry) CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED, DADGUMMIT!

TAKE DOWN THE TREE. STOP SINGIN’ THEM FA LA LA LA LAAAAAs, AND TELL AMMER-ZON YOU WANT A REFUND ON ALL THE PRESENTS YOU BOUGHT FROM YOUR WILDCAT MAN CAVE! IT’S OVER, LARRY. COACH CAL GOTTA GO! DADGUMMIT, HE’S JUST ANOTHER SLICK-HAIRED, SMOOTH TAWKIN I-TALIAN FRAUD!

WE NEED TO LET KINNY SKY WALKER BE THE HEAD COACH SO HE CAN TEACH THESE WIMPY WILDCATS HOW TO FIGHT, DADGUMMIT! WE LOST TO NOBODY U-TAWWW? AND WE ALSO LOST TO NOBODY OF NOBODIES EVANSVILLE! AND WE ALMOST LOSTED TO U-TAWWWWW VALLEY? DADGUMMIT, QUIT SCHEDULIN GAMES WITH ANYBODY FROM THAT FAKE RELIGION MORMON TABBER-SPACKLE CHOIR STATE! THEY’S A BUNCH OF SISTER WIFE WEIRDO DEVIL WORSHIPPERS WHO’S PROLLY CASTIN’ SPELLS ON OUR GOOD AND CLASSY CHRISTIAN WILDCATS! (cry) AND EVANSVILLE WAS JUST A FREAK SHOW, DADGUMMIT! WALTER McCARTHY IS DEAD TO US. (cry) WE IS THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS! THIS AIN’T POSED TO HAPPEN TO THE BIG BLUE! NOW U UH KAY GOTTA PLAY O-HI-ER STATE ON SAIRDEE, AND THEY POSED TO BE GOOD TOO. THEN WE GOT THE REAL CHRISTMAS KILLER NAME OF LOSERVILLE COMIN UP! (cry)

LEXINUN IS LIKE A CLARK GRISWOLD CHRISTMAS. CAT FANS IS ARGUING WITH EACH OTHER, WE DINT GIT NO BONUS, THE TREE DONE BURNT UP, THE NEIGHBORS IS LAFFING AT US, AND MOST OF OUR FANS IS JUST LIKE COUSIN EDDIE. (cry) HOW’D WE GIT HERE, DADGUMMIT! I HOPE THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST IS ADOLPH RUPP, AND HE SHOWS UP FLOATIN OVER WILDCAT COUNTRY TONIGHT AND SHOWS US THE WAY BACK TO HAPPINESS. EBENEEZER BARNHART WON’T LET US HAVE NO ALKEY-HALL TO DROWN OUR SORROWS. (cry)

[WHAS programming note: former Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin walked into the radio station to talk about his controversial pardons of convicted felons so The Beasman had to call back the next day to finish the sketch. The altered audio version is here. The original script continues throughout this post.]

I’M SKEERED WE GONNA LOSE CHRIS BALDY MACK AND THE U OF SMELL CARDINAL BIRDS. AND Y’ALL CARDINAL FANS GONNA GIT EVEN WITH US FOR THE Ls DOWN BY HANGING A “KENTUCKY SHAME” BANNER LISTING ALL THE U UH KAY GUYS WHO GONE TO PRISON! TOM PAYNE, RICHIE FARMER, MICHAEL PORTER, DEANDRO LIGGINS FOR BEATIN UP HIS GIRLFRIEND. BOOGIE COUSINS FOR THREATIN TO KILL HIS BABY MAMA. TERRENCE JONES FOR STOMPIN ON A HOMELESS GUY’S HEAD. (cry)

DADGUMMIT! DON’T DO THAT CHAIN GANG DANCE TO MAKE FUN OF THE PRISONER CATS! US CAT FANS IS JUST FUNNIN WHEN WE DO Ls DOWN! MAKIN FUN OF KENTUCKY CONVICTS IS CRUEL AND SINFUL. (cry) WE IS THE CATS! WE POSED TO BE YOUR DOMMERATOR! CHRISTMAS IS MORE LIKE CRAPMESS THIS YEAR! (cry) AND I KNOW US GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY FANS IS P-P-P-P-POSED TO BE CELLER-MA-BRATIN STOOPS TROOPS REE-CRUITS BUT WE CAINT FOCUS ON FOOTBAW WHEN OUR PRIDE AND JOY WILDCAT BASKETBAW TEAM IS LEAKIN OIL, LARRY MINNER!

STOP THAT SMIRKIN! I HEAR YOU SMIRKIN ON THAT PHONE RIGHT NOW! (cry) IF YOU DON’T STOP SMIRKIN ABOUT KENTUCKY FANS’ TEARS, WE GONNA GIT DEANDRO LIGGINS TO HIT YOU IN THE HEAD WITH HIS X-BOX WHILE TERRENCE JONES STOMPS YOU TO DEATH! (cry) I AIN’T PLAYIN WITH NONE OF YOU SMIRKIN U OF SMELL SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, GOLD TOOTH, G.E.D. FLUNKIN, NECK TATTOO, MAKIN BABIE OUT OF WEDLOCK FRAUDS!

ENJOY YOUR LITTLE CHRISTMAS JOY NOW CUZ IF WE LOSE TO O-HI-ER STATE ON SAIRDEE THEN COACH CAL GONNA GIT CHASED OUTTA LEXINUN AND KINNY SKY WALKER GONNA BE PLAYER COACH LIKE TIGER WOODS AND LEAD THE CATS BACK TO VICTREE LANE AGIN YOU CARDINAL DIP STICKS ONE MORE TIME!

AND SKY WALKER CAN DO IT…SPECIALLY IF HE BRINGS GOOSE GIVENS AND COW MACY BACK AS ASSISTANT PLAYER COACHES! Y’ALL GOIN DOWN LIKE THEM Ls! COME ON, KINNY! AND FIRE THAT OTHER KINNY…THE ONE NAME OF KINNY PAYNE. HE’S A CARDINAL SPY! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! (cry) I DON’T WANNA LOSE TO NO U OF SMELL. I’D RATHER DIE!