THE BEASMAN cats lose but loserville slaughtered DON’T YOU EVEN START IN ON ME ABOUT U UH KAY LOSING, YOU CROSS-EYED, BUCK TEETH, BALD HAIR, STINKBREATH U OF SMELL APOLOGIST. DADGUMMIT, YOUR FILTHY CARDINAL CONVICTS LOST BY 400 POINTS, THE WORST BEATDOWN IN U OF SMELL HISTREE BUCEPT FOR THAT TIME IN WORLD WAR TWO THE JAPPER-NESE BOMBED CARDINAL STADIUM. Y’ALL CARDINAL FANS OUGHT TO RISE UP AND THROW BOBBY PETRINKO OUT IN THE STREET AND CHASE HIM OUTTA TOWN LIKE U UH KAY DONE TO BILL CURRY, JERRY CLAIBONE, RICH BROOKS, HAL DUMMY, GUY MORRIS, AND THE JOKER. DON’T Y’ALL CARDINAL IDIOTS KNOW HOW TO FIRE A FOOTBAW COACH? YOU JUST MOVE HIS OFFICE TO THE TARLIT ROOM
Tag: the beasman
The Beasman knows that church money goes to heavenly recruits
THE BEASMAN cats still Top 20 (laffs) HEY LAREEEEEE! LARRY DADGUM MINNER! (laffs) I BET YOU AND ALL YOUR SNAGGLE TOOTH CARDINAL BUDDIES THUNK I WAS GONNA BE SAD ABOUT THE CATS LOSIN, BUT NAWWWWWWW. WE ALL GOOD! (laffs) THE U UH KAY WILDCATS IS STILL TOP 20, STOOPS IS STILL THE BEST COACH U UH KAY EVER HAD SINCE BEAR BRYANT, AND BINNY SNELL STILL GONNA WIN THE HEISHMAN TROPHY. (laffs) AWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! WE PUSHED THEM AGGIE BOYS TO OVERTIME AND OUR KICKER DONE AS GOOD AS HE COULD. (laffs) WE AIN’T MAD. U UH KAY STILL GONNA PLAY IN A NEW YEAR’S DAY BO. OUR QUARTERBACK IS A LITTLE
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN MADNESS – Did Slick Rick and Larry break up for good?
THE BEASMAN slick dumps larry HEY LAREEEE! LARRY DADGUM MINNER! (laffs) I CAN’T BLEEVE YOU AIN’T CHECKED INTO OUR LADY UH PEACE FOR MENTAL ILLNESS. YOU GOT TO BE DOWNRIGHT DEE-PRESSED OVER ALL KINDA THANGS. THROW THEM STUPID Ls UP, YOU LOSERS! L STANDS FOR LOSER! L STANDS FOR LOSER! (laffs) YOUR FILTHY CARDINAL BIRDS GOT BLASTED OUT OF THE STADIUM AGAINST BIGTIME S.E.C. FOOTBAW. OL NICK SABAN KICKED YOUR CARDINAL BEAKS SO HARD YOU CAIN’T EVEN WHISTLE DIXIE! THE MIGHTY KENTUCKY WILDCATS SHOWED THEY IS ANOTHER S.E.C. PIRE BY TROUNCIN MICHERGAN LASS SAIRDEE, AND NOW WE GONNA WHOOP US SOME FLOR-I-DER GATORS. CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP DOWN ON THAT STREAK CUZ IT’S OVER! THE STREAK
An unverified preview of Rick Pitino’s tell-all book
SLICK RICK’S BOOK OF LIES as read by The Beasman CHAPTER ONE I, SLICK RICK BUTEENER, DO SOLEMN-TY SWEAR THAT EVERTHANG I WROTE DOWN HERE IS A HUNDERD TEN PERCENT TRUE. BACK IN OCTOBER TWO THOUSAND FIFTEEN, I WAS IN MY OFFICE PRAYIN’ THE ROSARY, MAKIN DONATIONS TO CHARITIES, AND SEWING AMERICAN FLAGS FOR DISABLED VETRENS WHEN THE PHONE RINGS. I PICK IT UP AND MY BALD FAN BOY LARRY MINNER IS A-SCREAMIN SOMETHIN ABOUT THERE’S THIS FLOOZY NAME OF KATRINER POWELL AND SHE’S A-GOIN ON MATT JONES LECTRIC RADIO SHOW TAWKIN BOUT STRIPPERS SEXIN’ UP THE U OF SMELL BASKETBAW PLAYERS IN THE DARM. AND I SAYS “LARRY, SHE’S LYIN. AIN’T NOBODY HAS SEX IN THEM
Cats lose. Beasman wants Coach Cal fired and that rotten Sister Jean excommunicated
THE BEASMAN cats lose (cry) I WOULDN’T A-SHOOK THEIR HANDS, NEITHER. BUNCH OF STREET THUG, SCRAPPING, LYIN, CHEATING, BRASS KNUCKLE, CAT O NINE TAILS, BASEBAW BAT SWINGING, PUNK, HIPPIE, SNOWFLAKE, M.M.A., FACE KICKIN, NOBODY, KANSAS WHEAT FIELD TRASH. (cry) I AIN’T SLEPT A DADGUM WINK, LARRY MINNER. THIS CAINT BE REAL. (cry) WE IS THE CATS! AIN’T NOBODY POSED TO PUSH US AROUND AND DO ALL THAT BALL SLAPPIN, REACH-IN, SHAWNEE PARK DIRT BOWL, RUMBLIN’, GUN TOTIN, DRIVE-BY SHOOTIN, NECK TATTOO, 8-ON-5, GANG BANG, BRAWLER BALLIN AGAINST THE GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCATS! WHO DO THEY THINK THEY IS, SOME PRISON PLAYGROUND TEAM? (cry) THEM REFFERMARIES WAS LETTIN
Cards get their jaws jacked in the NIT, the Beasman suggest a Toys R Us strategy to go out of business
THE BEASMAN cards pounded by miss state (laffs) I BEEN A-LAUGHIN ALL LAST NIGHT AND TODAY WATCHING U OF SMELL’S DUMPSTER FIRE TURN INTO A INFERNO! GOVERNOR BLEVINS NEEDS TO DEE-CLARE THE U OF SMELL ATHLETICS DEE-PARTMENT A DISASTER AREA. IN CASE YOU DINT GIT THE LICENSE PLATE NUMBER OFF THE TRUCK THAT SMASHED YOUR N.I.T. DREAMS, IT SAID “MISTERSIPPI STATE.” (laffs) LOOK OUT, CARDINAL BIRDS…HERE COMES ANOTHER SLAM DUNK DOWN ON YOUR POINTY CHEATIN HEADS! LARRY, THE S.E.C. JACKS LITTLE BROTHER’S JAW AND EVERTHANG IS HAP-HA-HAPPY IN BIG BLUE NATION! HOW YOU DOIN, LARRY? I’M SO PROUD OF YOU FOR NOT KILLIN YOURSELF. I FIGGERED LOTS OF CARDINAL CRYBABY FANS WOULD JUMP
Beasman: classy Cats move to Sweet 16, Chris Mack heading to Louisville
THE BEASMAN cats head to sweet 16 radio sketch March 19, 2018 BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN AND RUNS OVER CRANKY OLD NUNS IF WE HAVE TO! AWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! (laffs) HEY LAREEEEEE! LARRY MINNER! START GITTIN YOUR CLUNKER GHETTO CARS OFF THE STREETS CUZ WE GONNA HAVE A U UH KAY VICTORY PARADE IN TWO WEEKS CUZ BIG BLUE BOUT TO WIN IT ALL! PAINT YOUR DOG BLUE AND HEAD SOUTH…KENTUCKY IS HEADED TO THE SWEET 16 IN THE BIG DANCE TO BEAT LITTLE BROTHER KANSAS NOBODY STATE. AND THEN COACH CAL GOTTA GO AGAINST HIS CATHLICK HERITAGE AND WHOOP UP ON THAT HOMELY
The Beasman: Virginny brings misery on Main Street to Suckville
THE BEASMAN va shocks Louisville - radio sketch Friday, March 2, 2018 (laffs) I’M STILL LAUGHIN ABOUT THE VIRGINNY GUY HITTING THE THREE AT THE BUZZER TO BEAT LOSERVILLE. OH LARRY. (laffs) YOU GOT TO ADMIT THAT WAS A BIGGER LONGSHOT THAN KIM JONG UN SHOOTIN A NUKE-U-LAR MISSILE AND HITTIN THE STATUE OF LIBERTY RIGHT ON THE HEAD. (laffs) ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS WAS KINDA HOPIN Y’ALL WOULD BEAT VIRGINNY SO WE COULD SAY WE BEAT Y’ALL BY 30 AND Y’ALL BEAT #1 SO THAT MEANS KENTUCKY IS THE BEST. (laffs) BUT THAT’S OK…IT WAS STILL FUN WATCHIN ALL THEM SNAGGLE TOOTH CARDINAL FANS CRY THEIR CROCKER-DOW TEARS THINKIN THEY
The Beasman can’t believe God killed Billy Graham and Coach Cal in the same week
THE BEASMAN radio sketch for February 23, 2018 (cries) LIES! LIES! LIES! (cries) I DON'T KNOW HOW Y'ALL SCUMBAG CARDINAL BIRDS DONE IT, BUT THIS WHOLE THANG ABOUT U UH KAY PLAYERS GITTIN PAID OFF AIN'T NOTHIN BUT A BIG OL LIE! (cries) DADGUMMIT! U OF SMELL MUST HAVE A DOUBLE NAUT SPY WORKING AT THE FBI AND SO NOW Y'ALL GONNA TRY TO DRAG THE GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCATS DOWN IN THE MUCK WITH YA. MISERY LOVES COMPANY BUT BIG BLUE NATION DON'T WANNA BE YOUR COMPANY, YOU BUNCH OF CHEATIN, LYIN, PROSTERTUTE BUYIN THUGS! (cries) DADGUMMIT, ALL US CAT FANS WAS HAVIN SUCH A GREAT TIME LAUGHIN
Cats losing streak ends so now UK fans are free to resume taunting others
THE BEASMAN cats now righteous WELL CARDINAL BOY, THE WORLD DONE GOT BACK ON ITS AXLE. Y’ALL SUCK AGAIN AND THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS DOMMERATED ALABAMMER. SO THE STREAK IS DEAD AND GONE AND US CAT FANS IS BACK TO TAUNTIN LOSERS LIKE YOU. PLUS, COACH CAL DON’T GOTTA MOVE INTO BILLY CLYDE’S BASEMENT AND THE REST OF COLLEGE BASKETBAW TEAMS IS A-SHAKIN IN THEIR BOOTS KNOWIN THAT THE CATS IS GITTIN READY TO CRUSH EVER FOOL IN THEIR WAY OF THE NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS. MEANTIME, U OF SMELL GOT CRUSHED LIKE A BUG BY NARTH CARAMALINER, A SCHOOL THAT’S SMART ENOUGH TO INTIMERDATE THE NC2A FROM GIVIN EM NO PENALTIES. THEM TURD HEELS SLAPPED THE CARDINAL CONVICTS LIKE