THE BEASMAN football is here HELLO, IDIOT. IS YOU STILL TURNIN CARTWHEELS OVER THE GOOD CHURCH LADY GOIN TO JAIL? HOW DARE THEM SUPREME COURT GAY LOVERS PUT A GOOD CHRISTIAN WOMAN BEHIND BARS JUST FOR BEIN A CATS FAN. YOU KNOW SHE’S BLUE, LARRY, CUZ SHE GOT MORALS AND SHE AINT GOT NO TATTOOS LIKE U OF SMELL THUGS DO. AND IF SHE’S IN A CELL, THAT TAKES UP A SPACE WHERE A U OF SMELL CRIMINAL OUGHT TO BE LOCKED UP. US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS DON’T LIKE US NO GAY BOYS. MEMBER WHEN WE USED TO SHOUT “MATT WALSH IS GAY” OVER AND OVER IN RUPP ARENER? CAT FANS IS GOD FEARIN
Tag: the beasman
Perfection Rejection – Kentucky loses
You'd better stay away from this guy for a few weeks. The vaunted Kentucky Wildcats basketball team lost to Wisconsin, ending a streak of 38 straight wins on a path to what seemed to be perfection. RADIO SCRIPTS FOR MONDAY, APRIL 6, 2015 THE BEASMAN #1 buy all the tickets WHY, GOD, WHY? (sniffing and crying) I AINT GOT OUTTA BED YET CUZ MY HEART DONE BEEN BROKE WHEN THE PATH TO PERFECTION WENT OVER A CLIFF. (cry) THEY TELL ME EASTER SUNDEE CHURCH SERVICES ACROSS KENTUCKY WAS LIKE A GHOST TOWN. NO CAT FANS NOWHERE. WE’S ALL SICK TO OUR BONES WITH ANOTHER FINAL FOUR MELTDOWN. I WAS BUXPECTIN TO CALL UP HERE TODAY AND MAKE FUN OF YOU
How sweet it is again
The Kentucky Wildcats and Louisville Cardinals have both reached the Sweet 16 in the NCAA Tournament. Louisville once again is the highest-rated American TV market for game watching. Final Four Fever is throttling up again as dominating Kentucky is expected to sweep right through for the Wildcats' 9th national championship. BONUS VIDEO: The NCAA posted a profile of Montrezl Harrell re: Louisville's storied history with The Dunk The Beasman radio script for March 23, 2015 FARDY & OH WITH 4 TO GO! FARDY & OH WITH 4 TO GO! FARDY & OH WITH 4 TO GO! CATS! CATS! CATS! YOU KNOW ALL THEM OTHER TEAMS ABOUT TO POOTY THEIR PANTS WORRIED ABOUT HAVING TO PLAY
A surprising win brings The Beasman gamecockiness
THE BEASMAN 10/6/14 YOU AND ALL YOUR SNAGGLE TOOTH CARDINAL CONVICT FRIENDS GOT TO BE SICK TO YOUR STOMACH WORRIED ABOUT WHAT U UH KAY FOOTBAW GONNA DO TO YOU NEXT MONTH. Y’ALL CAINT FARFIT NOW, LOSERVILLE, YOU GOTTA PLAY THE CATS AND TAKE YOUR LUMPIN’. NOW GIT ON THE RADIO AND TAWK UP U UH KAY FOOTBAW, YOU BALD HAIRED TRAITOR TURNCOAT. THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS DONE GONE ON A S.E.C. WINNIN STREAK AND YOU AINT HARDLY TAWKED ABOUT IT TODAY. OH, BUT YOU GOT TIME TO TAWK ABOUT THROWING A BAW 40 YARDS TO YOUR DAUGHTER. I BET YOUR WIFE THROWED THAT BAW BECAUSE A PENCIL NECK GEEK SISSY SLICK RICK BOYFRIEND NANCY BOY
Countdown to beatdown
radio script - 5:45 p.m. - Monday, June 16, 2014 THE BEASMAN casey kasem YOUR DEE-MISE IS COMING, LARRY MINNER. YOU CAN START THE CASEY KASEM TOP 40 LAST DAYS OF LARRY MINNER RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MATT JONES IS BACK! YEAH! IT WAS LIKE CHRISTMAS MARNIN’ THIS MARNIN WHEN I TURNT ON THE LECTRIC RADIO TO HEAR “THE VOICE OF U UH KAY” MISTER MATT JONES BACK ON THE RADIO TAWKIN SMACK TO U OF SMELLERS AND PUMPIN UP U UH KAY FAITHFUL FOR THE ROAD AHEAD. OF COURSE YOU PROBLEE DON’T EVEN KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD FAITHFUL, LARRY MINNER, CUZ YOU DONE CROSSED OVER TO THE DARK SIDE OF U OF SMELL CARDINAL CRIMINAL
They’ve had a tweak to repair for this
radio script: 4:45 p.m., Friday, March 14, 2014 THE BEASMAN fear the tweak FEAR THE TWEAK, LARRY! FEAR THE TWEAK! THE ALL-NEW U UH KAY WILDCATS IS GONNA COME OUT THERE IN A LITTLE WHILE AND DOMMERATE WITH THE TWEAK. COACH CAL SAYS WE GONNA SEE THE TWEAK RIGHT AWAY AND WE GONNA BE AMAZED AT HOW SIMPLE BUT GENIUS IT IS. GO BIG BLUE! BEAT THEM L.S.LOSERS. NOW’S WHEN THE REAL FARDY AND OH TEAM SHOWS UP TO BE FARDY AND NINE! COACH CAL DONE TWEAKED THE CATS PERFECT AND NOW WE IS GONNA BEAT LSU WORSE THAN U OF SMELL BEAT THE RUTGERS LAST NIGHT. BUT U OF SMELL IS A
The Beasman: Coach Cal is playing possum
radio script for Friday, March 1, 2014 -- airs at 5:45 p.m. THE BEASMAN just for men WELL LARRY MINNER, NOW THAT THE GAY MARRIAGE RAINBOW FLAG PEOPLE IS ALL RUNNING AROUND HERE CELERBRATIN, WHEN IS YOU AND SLICK RICK BUTEENO GONNA TIE THE KNOT? I KNOW YOU’S IN LOVE WITH HIM BECAUSE YOU GIT ALL STARRY-EYED WHEN THE TWO OF YOU TAWKS ON THE TELLERBISION. MATT JONES DON’T ACT LIKE A CREEPER WHEN HE SETS ON COACH CAL’S LAP TO AST QUESTIONS. THEY IS PROFESSIONALS BUT YOU AND SLICK RICK ACT LIKE A COUPLE OF MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRLS AT THE ICE CREAM SHOP. I GUESS YOU TWO SWISHY BOYS IS GONNA HAVE ONE OF THEM
The Beasman is a Belieber
THE BEASMAN back from vacation I CAINT BLEEVE YOU COME BACK TO WORK, YOU SLICK RICK BUTTKISSIN LOUDMOUTH LOSERVILLE LOSER. WHEN YOU WAS GONE THEM FEW DAYS AND I HEARED LOCKJAW McCRANE ON THERE I THUNK TO MYSELF—I BETCHA THEY FINALLY FIGGERED OUT THAT LARRY IS A U OF SMELL GASBAG AND THE WH&S NEEDS TO GET A FAIR AND IMPARTIAL REPLACEMENT FOR HIM. SOMEBODY LIKE MATT JONES, A GUY WHO JUST TELLS THE TRUTH, AND THE TRUTH IS THAT U UH K DOMMERATES AND U OF SMELL IS A MAGNET FOR THUGS. BUT NAW, MATT JONES NEVER TURNT UP. NEXT THING I KNOW, I TURNT ON THE LECTRIC RADIO AND I HEAR A VOICE THAT SOUNDS
Memphis exported some blues to Louisville
On the day that a chastened Bobby Petrino was introduced as the reborn head coach of the University of Louisville football team, Rick Pitino's basketball team lost a critically important game at home against Memphis. The overly excited UK zealot The Beasman couldn't wait to call my radio show the next day. His transcript is printed below. THE BEASMAN memphis loss (LAFF) THE LOSERVILLE CARDINALS: THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING. DID SOMEBODY DUMP A GATORADE JUG FULL OF STUPID OVER TOM JURICH? WHAT’S HE DOIN BRINGIN THAT SNAKE IN THE GRASS BACK TO COACH YOUR FOOTBAW TEAM? WHAT Y’ALL POSED TO DO, JUST LOCK UP YOUR WIFES AND DAUGHTERS UNTIL FOOTBAW SEASON STARTS? I
Three times less than perfect
Kentucky Wildcats basketball coach John Calipari speaks to the media following UK's third loss in a season some expected to be flawless. North Carolina beat Kentucky 82-77 in the Wildcats' first true road game. Calipari said that UNC "deserved to win" and that his guys "need to get knocked in the teeth" in order to learn. "Hopefully you'll see progress," Calipari wished out loud. Although many fans thought that this magnificent #1 recruiting class would give UK a perfect "40 and oh" season, this loss to North Carolina on the heels of losses to Baylor and Michigan State have dampened spirits across the Commonwealth of Kentucky. UK hosts archrival Louisville in two weeks. Suddenly, Cats fans are not as confident as they