THE BEASMAN #1 u of l denied ncaa tourney berth
AWWWW M-I-T-C-H! MITCH! MITCH! MITCH! (laffs) MITCH BARNHART IS THE GREATEST KENTUCKY WILDCAT LEADER EVER! (laffs) WE NEED TO GIVE MITCH BARNHART A RAISE FOR PUNCHIN LOSERVILLE IN THE MOUTH AND KNOCKIN EM OUT OF THE NC2A TOURNEYMINT! (laffs) I AIN’T STOPPED CHUCKLIN SINCE THEY ANNOUNCED THE BRACKETS! (laffs)

ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS WAS SAD ABOUT BEIN ONE-AND-DONE IN THE S.E.C. TOURNEYMINT BUT THEN MITCH BARNFART SHOCKED EVERBODY BY TELLIN LOSERVILLE TO TAKE A SEAT! (laffs)

I BETCHA CHRIS MACK WEREN’T MAKIN NO SMART ALECK VIDEOS DOWN IN HIS BASEMENT BAR WITH ERIC WOODHEAD! (laffs) Y’ALL AIN’T MOCKIN U UH KAY NO MORE, IS YOU, YOU NOBODY WORTHLESS CAN’T EVEN GIT IN THE N.I.T. SLUGS! (laffs) AND DON’T TRY TO SAY YOU TURNT DOWN THE N.I.T. CUZ WE ALL KNOW YOU’S LYIN. Y’ALL JUST WANNA STAY HOME WITH YOUR STRIPPER POLE GIRLS AND SHOE BOXES FULL OF MONEY FOR REE-CRUITS! (laffs) THE NC2A SHOULD BAN Y’ALL FROM THE NC2A TOURNEYMINT FOREVER CUZ YOU IS CHEATERS WHO HAD TO YANK DOWN YOUR FAKE BANNER! (laffs)

DON’T YOU WORRY ABOUT THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS CUZ WE COMIN BACK WITH A VENGEANCE NEXT SEASON! COACH CAL CALLED ME LAST NIGHT AND LAUGHED HISSELF SILLY ABOUT LOSERVILLE GITTIN SHUT OUT BY MITCH BARNFART. NOW THAT’S SOME BIG BLUE TEAMWORK, RIGHT THERE! (laffs) A LOT OF KENTUCKY FANS USED TO NOT LIKE MITCH BARNFART CUZ HE WON’T LET US BRING OUR KENTUCKY BOURBON TO THE BALLGAMES. BUT NOW THAT HE THROWED LOSERVILLE IN THE TOURNEYMINT WOOD CHIPPER, WE GONNA THROW A MITCH BARNHART PARADE DOWN BROADWAY! (laffs)

HE’S THE GREATEST U UH KAY EGGHEAD OFFICE MANAGER WE EVER HAD CUZ HE POPPED A KNOT ON U OF SMELL’S BIG HEAD RIGHT WHEN Y’ALL THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA BE IN THE TOURNEYMINT WHILE U UH KAY WAS OUT! BUT…NAWWWWWWWWWW! (laffs) JUST WHEN THE FILTHY CARDINALS WAS PACKIN THEIR BAGS FULL OF MARY-WANNA AND STRIPPER PANTS TO TAKE TO INJINAPLISS, OL MITCH BARNHART SAID “TELL THAT GREYHOUND BUS DRIVER TO GO ON BACK TO THE BUS STATION. U OF SMELL AIN’T GOIN NOWHERE!”

I LOVVVVVVVE IT! YOU SUCK, U OF SMELL. AIN’T NO DECENT PEOPLE WANT NO SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, NECK TATTOO, BOURBON SWILLIN, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, CAR STEALIN, DOPEHEAD, G.E.D. FLUNKIN U OF SMELL FANS HANGIN AROUND THE NC2A TOURNEYMINT! (laffs) THE NC2A WOULD RATHER HAVE A GARBAGE TRUCK DUMP ITS LOAD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR THAN HAVE U OF SMELL PLAYIN IN AMERICA’S CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNEYMINT! GIT OFF THE STAGE, CARDINAL BIRDS!

GO CHECK IN WITH YOUR PAROLE OFFICER AND LEARN HOW TO ACT GOOD AND CLASSY LIKE U UH KAY AND MAYBE SOME DAY WE’LL LET YOU BE IN THE N.I.T. AGAIN. MEANTIME, KENTUCKY, INJIANNER, AND WESTERN KENTUCKY IS ALL JUST WORKIN ON RELOADIN AND COMIN BACK STRONG NEXT TIME. WHEN U OF SMELL TALKS ABOUT RELOADIN, EVERBODY HITS THE FLOOR BEFORE RANDOM GUNFIRE BREAKS OUT! GO AWAY, YOU BUNCH OF CROSS-EYED CARDINAL TRASH!

THE BEASMAN #2 u of l denied ncaa tourney
YOU OK, LARRY? I THOUGHT YOU WOULDA TOOK SOME TIME OFF TO BE WITH YOUR GRIEF COUNSELOR LIKE YOU DONE WHEN ALL YOUR HAIR FELL OUT IN THE 4TH GRADE. (laffs) LOOKS LIKE THE NC2A DONE TOOK A KNEE WHEN U OF SMELL’S NAME COME UP FOR BRACKET CONSIDERATION! (laffs) I LOVE IT! THE NC2A DONE GIVE Y’ALL THE DEATH PENALTY AGAIN! (laffs)

ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCAT FANS IS SINGIN (sing) “HAPPY DAYS IS HERE AGAIN!” (laffs) I JUST ABOUT SPIT OUT MY YOO HOO DRANK WHEN THEY SHOWED THE BRACKETS ON TV AND THERE WEREN’T NO LOSERVILLE. (laffs)

AND THEN THE GU-NOUNCER BRINGS MITCH BARNFART ON THE TV AND AST HIM WHY LOSERVILLE DINT GIT IN IT! AND MITCH THE COMMISSIONER OF BRACKETS SAID “CUZ THEY SUCK AND I’M A WILDCAT AND AIN’T NO WAY LOSERVILLE GITS IN ON MY WATCH!” (laffs)

WE LOVE YOU IN BIG BLUE NATION, MITCH BARNFART! WE WAS MAD AT YOU FOR NOT LETTIN US HAVE LIQUOR AT GAMES BUT NOW WE LOVE YOU FOR TORCHIN LOSERVILLE’S POSTSEASON DREAM! IF THE CATS CAINT GIT IN THEN AIN’T NO WAY MITCH IS GONNA LET LOSERVILLE IN! (laffs) IT MUST SUCK TO BE YOU, LARRY! YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK BUTEENER IS ALL OVER THE T.V. TALKIN ABOUT HIS LITTLE KINDERGARTEN TEAM GITTIN READY TO PLAY ALABAMMER! (laffs)

WHAT A JOKE! ALL US CAT FANS GIT TO SEE LOSERVILLE BANNED, SLICK RICK BUTEENER GIT CRUSHED BY THE S.E.C. CHAMPS, AND INJIANNER SNUBBED BY THE N.I.T. (laffs) I LOVE IT! N.I.T.! N.I.T.! N.I.T.! LOSERVILLE ACTIN LIKE THEY’S TOO GOOD TO GO TO THE N.I.T. BUT THEY DON’T WANT YOU RONA SPREADIN DIRTBALLS, LARRY! YOUR LOSERVILLE GIRLS IS THE BEST TEAM IN TOWN! THEY CAN BEAT CHRIS MACK’S TEAM, BELLARMINE, AND THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS WHEN THEY’RE AROUND.

BUT Y’ALL DON’T GIT ALL WORKED UP FOR THE GIRLS TEAM CUZ YOU WANT CHRIS MACK TO MAKE HIS FUNNY LITTLE VIDEOS IN HIS BASEMENT A-MOCKIN U UH KAY! THE LOSERVILLE GIRLS TEAM IS GONNA SHINE AND THAT JUST MAKES CHRIS MACK LOOK EVEN WEAKER. Y’ALL HIRED A HIGH SCHOOL COACH, LARRY, AND HIS FEB-U-WARY RECORD SHOWS IT.

Y’ALL BE BETTER OFF IF YOU HIRED BILLY CLYDE GILLESPER TO COACH YOUR FILTHY CARDINAL BIRDS! (laffs) NOBODY AST Y’ALL TO GO TO THE PROM BUT IF SOME OTHER TEAM GITS THE RONA, THEN YOU GIT TO COME IN AS A 16 SEED! KAPOW! GONE IN A FLASH! (laffs) NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, US CAT FANS IS LAFFIN OURSELFS SILLY WATCHIN U OF SMELL GIT HUMILLERFIED! (laffs) POP YOUR POPCORN, CAT FANS! WE GIT TO WATCH U OF SMELL SET BY THE PHONE WHICH PROLLY WON’T RING! (laffs)

AND IF IT DOES RING, THEN THEY GIT TO BE DEAD MAN WALKIN FOR SOME REAL TEAM LIKE GONZAGGER OR MICHERGAN. (laffs) AND MICHERGAN REALLY WANTS TO GIT EVEN WITH YOU FOR CHEATIN EM BACK IN ’13 WITH YOUR NASTY STRIPPER POLE, AND MAKIN IT RAIN ADIDAS CASH TO BRIAN BOWEN! YOU KNOW THAT SPACE IN THE RAFTERS WHERE YOUR FRAUD BANNER USED TO BE? WELL PUT UP A NEW ONE THAT SAYS: LOSERVILLE, #1 IN DEATH PENALTIES AND GITTIN THROWED OUT OF THE NC2A! (laffs) IT’S GONNA BE FUN TO WATCH, CAT FANS! NO MATTER WHAT LOSERVILLE CHOOSES, IT ENDS IN TRAGEDY! (laffs) BEST BRACKET SHOW EVER! AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

—last week’s radio script following Kentucky’s ouster from the S.E.C. tournament—

THE BEASMAN uk loses, u of l lost to duke
DON’T TRY TO TEASE ME ABOUT U UH KAY LOSIN TODAY, LARRY, CUZ I AIN’T TAKIN NONE OF YOUR JOSHIN BOUT NO BASKETBAW. YOU FILTHY CARDINAL BIRDS AIN’T GOT NO ROOM TO TAWK NO SMACK TO US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS CUZ Y’ALL FLAMED OUT LAST NIGHT TO THE SUCKIEST DUKE TEAM IN A HUNDERD YEARS! (laffs)

AND THEY GIVE Y’ALL THE RONA! (laffs) Y’ALL IS A BIM-BARRASSMENT TO THE EN-TIRE STATE OF KENTUCKY THE WAY Y’ALL LET DUKE DOMMERATE YA! KENTUCKY GONNA GO LICK OUR WOUNDS BUT WE CAN RELAX SETTIN UNDER 8 – COUNT ‘EM – 8 NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS BANNERS THAT THE NC2A AIN’T GONNA MAKE US TAKE DOWN! (laffs) SEE, Y’ALL LOSERVILLE PEOPLE IS ALWAYS GONNA BE WILDCAT WANNABE LITTLE BROTHER NOBODIES WHO CAINT NEVER CATCH UP TO THE CATS!

SO WHAT IF U UH KAY DON’T GIT IN NO NC2A MARCH MADNESS! COACH CAL GONNA CATTER-PULT US RIGHT BACK NEXT YEAR WITH DAGGERS! WE GOT DAGGERS, LARRY MINNER! AND Y’ALL GOT DUKE RONA TO GO WITH ALL THEM OTHER DISEASES THEM SKANKY STRIPPERS GIVE YA! (laffs) COACH CAL GONNA GIT US MORE BIGTIME #1 RECRUITS AND KEEP BOSTON AND JACKSON WHO NEED TO COME BACK ONE MORE YEAR! AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

YOU JUST WAIT TIL CAT FANS CAN FILL UP RUMP ARENER AGAIN AND TAR-MINT THE OTHER TEAMS BY CALLIN ‘EM FILTHY NAMES AND MAKIN FUN OF THEIR MAMAS! (laffs) THAT’S HOW WE DO IT IN WILDCAT COUNTRY, YOU BUNCH OF TOOTHLESS, BRAINLESS, DRIVE BY SHOOTIN, AMERICA HATIN LOSERVILLE LOSERS! Y’ALL GOT BLOWED OUT BY DUKE SO JUST SET DOWN AND SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE BOUT MAKIN FUN OF U UH KAY! GO GIT A VACCINE, YOU RONA-SPREADIN FREAKS! Y’ALL’S PROGRUM IS A JOKE! CHRIS MACK CAINT COACH HIS WAY OUTTA WET PAPER SACK! (laffs)

LARRY, WHAT DO CHRIS MACK AND MEGHAN MARKLE’S SON ARCHIE HAVE IN COMMON? NEITHER ONE OF ‘EM GOT A TITLE! (laffs) U OF SMELL MISSED A DUNK WITH NOBODY AROUND AND THEN DUKE JUST BEAT ON YOU ALL NIGHT! (laffs) Y’ALL LOOKED LIKE STEVIE WONDER SHOOTIN A THOUSAND THREE POINTERS AND MAKIN EXACTLY NONE OF EM. DUKE QUIT RUNNIN DOWN THE FLOOR ON DEE-FENSE CUZ THEY KNEW U OF SMELL COULDN’T EVEN MAKE A UNCHALLENGED CHIP SHOT! (laffs)

SINCE Y’ALL IS WOKE, HOW BOUT CHRIS MACK RECRUITS THE CARDINAL GIRLS AND THEM MEN WHO THINK THEY’S GIRLS AS YOUR NEXT CARDINAL SQUAD! (laffs) THEN COME TO PLAY U UH KAY IN RUMP ARENER NEXT SEASON! YOU’LL COME IN THE DOOR WOKE AND GO HOME BROKE! (laffs) YOUR LOSERVILLE GIRLS TEAM AIN’T GONNA WIN IT ALL, NEITHER, CUZ THEM UCONN MANLY GIRLS IS GONNA EVENTUALLY SHUT YOU DOWN LIKE THEY DO EVER YEAR! (laffs)

I LOVE IT! TODAY AIN’T SAD FOR US CAT FANS CUZ WE KNOWED FROM THE START THIS WAS GONNA BE A LOST CAUSE WHEN WE LOST TO THE RICHMOND SPIDERS. NEXT YEAR WE BRINGIN A CAN OF RAID FOR THEM SPIDERS AND A CAN OF WHOOP ASS FOR EVERBODY ELSE! (laffs) JUST GIVE UP, LOSERVILLE. THEY AIN’T GONNA CALL YOUR NAME ON THE SUNDAY BRACKET SHOW! DON’T EVEN PACK YOUR BAGS FOR THE N.I.T. CUZ THEY DON’T WANT YOU NEITHER!

THE N.I.T. IS BEGGIN KENTUCKY TO SHOW UP BUT I THINK WE GONNA SAY NO. THAT WOULD BE LIKE BRINGIN THE COCAINE BEAR TO A KINDERGARTEN TOURNEYMINT…NOT FAIR TO THEM YOUNGENS WHEN THE COCAINE BEAR KENTUCKY WILDCATS JUST MAUL EM ALL FROM THE START! WE’LL SEE YOU NEXT SEASON, LARRY! US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS WILL BE CUTTING DOWN THE NETS NEXT YEAR WHILE LOSERVILLE IS SWEEPIN UP BROKEN GLASS AND BUSTED STATUES FROM NEVER-ENDING RIOTS AND DRIVE BY KILLINGS IN YOUR HARRIBLE, DANGEROUS, THUG-CONTROLLED, GRAFFITI COVERED, HELLHOLE OF A TOWN.

THEY NEED TO PUT A GIANT CAGE OVER YOUR TOWN AND JUST RENAME IT PRISONVILLE! STAY CLASSY, LOSERVILLE. SEE IF YOU CAN KEEP THE NIGHTLY MURDER RATE LOWER THAN UK’s NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS NUMBER OF 8. BET YOU CAINT!